Marriage Foundation founder Paul Friedman puts marriage under the microscope to stop three deadly killers from causing divorce.
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I’ve always thought a marriage needed three obvious things to survive: mutual respect, functional communication, and physical intimacy (aka good sex). A great marriage may have more than these, but without any one of them, things fall apart quickly. If you use a triangle to symbolize marriage, with each of these qualities as one of its corners, geometry makes it clear that you need a minimum of three points to create an enclosure—a safe space of trust inside which two people can relate—and that if one point fails, the triangle collapses, leaving the couple vulnerable to divorce.
These killers of marriage are like viruses, silently infecting partners, displaying no symptoms, lurking in dormancy for months or years, until an outbreak seems to come from nowhere. And these viruses are deadly, as evidenced by our national marriage mortality rate of roughly 50%.
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But marriages don’t fail because one partner or the other suddenly decides to stop respecting, stop communicating, or stop having sex. These stoppages occur as actions often without any conscious decision beforehand, and they are preceded by silent killers that settle into the relationship dynamic of which neither partner may be aware. These silent killers of marriage are like viruses, silently infecting partners, displaying no symptoms, lurking in dormancy for months or years, until an outbreak seems to come from nowhere. And these viruses are deadly, as evidenced by our national marriage mortality rate of roughly 50%. So how can we become aware and either inoculate ourselves against the viruses that attack and destroy marriage, or recognize when they first enter our system and seek prompt, effective treatment? I asked my friend marriage expert, Paul Friedman, founder of The Marriage Foundation, to put marriage under the microscope and use his extensive research and long experience counseling couples considering divorce to pinpoint what he considers the three silent destroyers of marriage. Below, in Paul’s words, are his findings.
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Killer #1—Over-Familiarity
It’s not so much the cards and gifts and trinkets of courtship that are missed as the presence of respect, a respect that diminishes with increased familiarity and erodes when over-familiarity sets in.
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But wait? Isn’t it a good thing to know your spouse like the back of your hand? Isn’t it great to know his favorite color shirt or tie what wine she will order with which food? Yes, because familiarity is an asset, but over-familiarity is a liability. So how much familiarity is too much? Over-familiarity is when you think you are close enough to your spouse to excuse your doing things that are obnoxious, while not allowing those things to be done to you. You might call over-familiarity a kind of entitlement—when one partner believes he or she has earned a free pass and has the right to do certain things because he or she knows what’s best for the other. Examples include: yelling, criticizing, ignoring, teasing (even in play), being openly grumpy, being crude, nagging, complaining … the list goes on. Unhappy partners often complain, “I wish my husband or wife would act the way he/she did while we were dating.” It’s not so much the cards and gifts and trinkets of courtship that are missed as the presence of respect, a respect that diminishes with increased familiarity and erodes when over-familiarity sets in. Leaving the bathroom door open, not cleaning up after yourself, not saying thank you because you think your gratitude should be a given, these acts of over-familiarity disappoint and draw ire because for one partner they symbolize a lack of respect, while for the other, they merely represent the comfort and perceived lack of need to stand on ceremony that they believe should characterize an intimate relationship. I would bet that over-familiarity is the killer of over 80% of all marriages that end in divorce. Nobody wants to feel disrespected. Everyone wants to feel honored.
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Killer #2—Poor Communication Skills
Many people in troubled marriages think, “My spouse and I have trouble communicating,” while what they really mean is, “I can’t get my spouse to listen to me and do things my way!”
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If you see the purpose of communicating with your marriage partner purely as negotiating how to get your needs met, you don’t understand relationship communication. Many people in troubled marriages think, “My spouse and I have trouble communicating,” while what they really mean is, “I can’t get my spouse to listen to me and do things my way!” Well, that’s not a communication problem. That’s an attitude problem. That’s a function of placing your needs ahead of your spouse’s and dismissing his or hers as insignificant. It may also be childish resentment over not getting your way. The real problem with marital communication is twofold. First there is the age-old issue of men being different from women (i.e., Mars and Venus), and of both partners not realizing and learning that men and women see, hear, and speak differently. The color fuchsia is a great example of gender specific communication. Most men (unless they’re graphic artists or fashion designers) hear that word and go blank. Most women hear that word and imagine the clothes that go with the shoes. But that isn’t the real problem. The real problem with marital communication is that marital communication is different from any other kind of communication. It is special, because its purpose is to enable two people to open their hearts to each other, not just facilitate working out the details of whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, take out the garbage, or walk the dog. Until a couple understands the purpose and value of marital communication, they will miss out on what marriage is all about—intimate connection.
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Killer #3—A Transactional Attitude
In business, we abide by contracts and honor them because it is the ethical thing to do. But in marriage, honor means something entirely different. It means honoring our imperfections and mistakes, too.
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This may seem odd coming from me, as a self-professed entrepreneur and businessman. But the application of business principles within a marriage reduces marriage to nothing more than a give and take relationship—or ultimately, a take and take relationship as both partners become increasingly dissatisfied and feel cheated when they get less than they believe is their due. Our wedding vows run something along the lines of “I promise to love, cherish, and be in service to you, for better or for worse.” The courts may consider marriage a contract, but on the altar or under the chuppah, we are binding ourselves to one another before God in a sacred union and each committing to honor and cherish the other. In business, we abide by contracts and honor them because that’s the ethical thing to do. But in marriage, honor means something entirely different. It means honoring our imperfections and mistakes, too. And the rewards of a successful marriage based on honoring your partner are many thousand-fold greater than any one might achieve in business. But you have to know how to reap the rewards. Making your marriage dynamic transactional and assuming you will receive something in return for each something given is destructive to the fabric of a flexible relationship, and it blocks your giving heart from experiencing the natural flow of love that comes from selfless unconditional giving. If you don’t always get exactly what you expected, try to be understanding and forgiving. When you each said “I do,” you promised each other to do your best, not to be perfect.
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If I could reduce this whole thing to a sound bite, or offer a shot of advice to vaccinate against these silent marriage killers, I would give it to you in a heartbeat. But the truth is the only way to avoid the killers is full-scale education. Until we learn how to control our minds, and the reasons our thinking brains so often work against our emotional best interests, we will remain susceptible. But if I had to sum it up in one sentence, it would be this: Learn to love your spouse.
Many say “I do love my spouse; BUT.” Until we learn to kick our own “butts” and focus on the tasks that bring love and harmony into our lives, we’ll continue to miss the point—and the joy—of life, love, and marriage.
For more information on The Marriage Foundation’s educational offerings, click here.
This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo — iStock
The transactional one is a joke.
I’m more than happy to let my part give give give without keeping up….
..oh you say that’s not right. Really. Then either you’re transactional-ing… or you think I’m the one who should be giving giving giving for nothing, and if you’re not prepared to do so then wtf should I?
I’m a husband/boyfriend not a doormat (or last years shoes to be tossed aside because you aren’t interested)
I could have not said this better myself. I am tired of being a complete doormat in my relationship. At some point in time one has to set limits as to what one is willing to do in order to maintain some form of sanity and self respect. Sorry, I reserve the right to track the hours I spend parenting while your goofing off, or sleeping off a hangover. I am not free to enjoy a social life outside of this house due to your work schedule. (You are free to have a social life with your co-workers.) Your response… Read more »
Mine was nearly destroyed through facebook. He was a facebook friend, we were in several art groups together and at first it was platonic.He started paying quite a lot of attention to me (which was nice as husband played a lot of computer games when back from work and felt ignored), I liked his sense of humour and outlook, he would flirt and I felt swept off my feet. The same buzz one gets when they find they are in love. We eventually sent each other personal messages and the emotional affair took hold. As it started to interfere with… Read more »
The adds on this site have become so intrusive, I can no longer read the article. It took a few tries to even comment. I don’t have to touch the screen to get a redirect to either Google Play or an add site. Could you please ask whoever runs your web page to look at fixing this issue for mobile users?
Very good points – Jan and I live in 24/7 bliss working and living together (over 5 years now) under the most demanding pressures anyone could ever expect… because we don’t fall victim to these 3 and we live in the ‘present’ moment – looking at the lessons and the blessings of every moment. Thanks for sharing the wisdom 🙂
Peggy, your story is not uncommon, but is based on mis-information, and not knowing enough about marriage. Sadly, children are fed the same misinformation, and so The Marriage Foundation has taken it upon itself to set the records straight
Brilliance. When I first read this I thought it would be a restatement of “The Four Horsemen” talked about by J. Gottman (world’s most prolific relationship researcher). But, this is a really great and tangible spin getting inside the heads of what a great proportion of people out there might actually think. It’s hard to speak for a group, but I think you’ve done it. It’s hard to say, “gotcha”…without seeming preachy – and you’ve done that too. Really like this. Would love a follow up piece on a case study or real-life scenario with an “old way” vs “new… Read more »
Not sure I really believe in marriage anymore…I believe in partnership. Marriage is an outdated arrangement. The two people that marry eventually grow apart because we are all changing with every stage of our lives. Some people enjoy change and all it entails and some people don’t like change at all. This is why my marriage failed after 20 years of persevering..for sanity someone had to be the “bitch” and that was me. Both my ex husband and I are happier people because we taught each other what life is about. He is now in another relationship but I am… Read more »
Generally good advice. I say that as someone whose own marriage has run the almost the full spectrum from almost complete failure (years ago) to very successful (now). I wish I got my understanding some other way, but that’s how I got it. I’ve seen what worked firsthand and seen what poisoned it firsthand. What you call over-familiarity I would probably call unhealthy boundaries. Here’s where I part ways with some of the more religious-based views of marriage, the ones that talk about a “union” or “becoming one” or other kinds of fusion. Losing too much individual identity is one… Read more »
The fact is marriage is a union of souls, and not a merger of corporations, so if you retain the idea that the “other party” must fulfil “their” part, your ever increasing expectations will eventually ruin your day, and your marriage. The idea of loving unconditionally is scientific. As you give love, it flows through you, fulfilling far more than your supposed needs.
But giving, giving, giving without ever feeling that your spouse gives back, will eventually leave you running on empty. I used to laugh at the ‘filling the love tank’ concept, but experienced it firsthand. It gets to the point where you remember you’re human and have unmet needs, feel drained and ready to throw in the towel. And when you finally speak up, and the response you get from your partner is to ‘back off’, ‘get a life’ and ‘I can’t give you what you want’ after 14 years of marriage, you do feel betrayed. Taken advantage of. It is… Read more »
It’s say #3 nails it most. Marriages cannot be based on contract mentality. Instead, they must be based on covenant mentality, “I’ll give to you no matter how much I get in return.”
Nice piece Thomas. The whole thing about marriage is that it is a work in progress. We are each and together to focus on CANI – constant and never-ending improvement. That makes for a great marriage because each is rooting and supporting the other along the way.
Thanks, Richard. Paul should get the credit. The ideas are his, though of course I agree with them.
Hello Thomas, you said a lot to absorb … haven’t done all the absorbing yet but something stuck out at first glance and that’s “Over Familiarity.” My wife and I got married young, I was 20 and my wife was 21. Although we’d known each other for the 9 years prior, we grew from friends to best friends and then boyfriend/girlfriend. I need to also point out that we were the first with one another. Of course as friends growing up, we got to know each other fairly will but as you know it’s not the same as when we… Read more »
Tom, It’s wonderful to grow up together with your partner, to experience life’s pains and joys as a supportive unit. And to learn, along the way, who your partner really is. As healthy familiarity increases, so does comfort and the quality of companionship. I think Paul would agree with me that it’s not familiarity that breeds contempt but over-familiarity, when we begin to make assumptions and take the other person’s commitment and tolerance for granted. Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts here.
Although the killers, including over familiarity, are deadly, it is different when a marriage is filled with positives, as Tom and his wife discovered. When we speak with about-to be-weds we emphasize this point. Fill the container of your marriage with honey!