Randall Horton, on how to negotiate an open relationship with your partner.
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Let’s say you’ve gotten into a committed relationship you value, but you feel monogamy just doesn’t work for you. Maybe you got married when you were too young and inexperienced, maybe you are bored, maybe your libido doesn’t match your partner’s, or maybe you and your partner just want to expand your horizons together. Reasons for wanting a non-monogamous relationship are as varied as the people who seek them. They range from the superficial and selfish to the poignant and profound. Regardless of the reasons, ethical non-monogamy requires negotiation, discussion, reassurance, and patience. Lots of patience.
Before you bring up the subject with your partner, consider the following:
1. Be realistic. Conventional wisdom holds that men are drawn to sexual exploration and variety while women seek stability and security in relationships. If you are in a committed heterosexual relationship, and you think the conventional wisdom is true, you may want to reconsider broaching the subject of non-monogamy with your partner. When men imagine or fantasize about non-monogamy, some mistakenly imagine themselves out enjoying a taste of sexual freedom while their partners patiently while the hours away at home or out watching movies with their girlfriends. I wouldn’t say this never happens, but you should get used to the idea that it won’t.
2. Check your own security. Don’t expect to open the door to non-monogamy without your wife or girlfriend walking through it. Before you do anything, imagine your partner meeting other men, talking to them, flirting with them, receiving text messages from them, and so on. If you can’t imagine those things happening without feeling jealous or insecure, you may need to work on your feelings first. However, if you can’t imagine those things happening without jealousy but want to continue anyway, you may want to establish rules about what kinds of contact are acceptable in outside relationships. Remember, though, that your limits will most likely apply to both of you. You are on a two-way street.
3. Check the health of your relationship. If you are seeking to open your relationship because you are unhappy with your partner, you might as well be cleaning a porcelain sink with a greasy rag. A bad relationship is not likely to get better by adding more people to the mix. For success, you and your partner must be committed to each other and to the relationship. You must have the shared goal of enhancing a relationship that both of you value. If you are trying to salvage a relationship tainted with resentment and conflict, consider just walking away or finding a good couples counselor. (Caveat: sometimes people stay in bad relationships for reasons such as finances, children, or legal complications. Maintaining a dead relationship while seeing others is not what I mean by ethical non-monogamy.)
4. Define your own limits. You must decide whether you are seeking sexual freedom, romantic freedom, or both. Some couples adopt a completely free and open approach where each partner pursues outside sexual partners or lovers with abandon. Others are extremely restrictive and only seek out partners as a couple and never meet nor communicate with other partners independently. Some take the position that any activity is for sex only, while some are comfortable expanding their romantic circle to include others (polyamory). You should have an idea of what you are seeking and what would make you uncomfortable.
5. Begin the discussion. Depending on your relationship, it may be easy to begin this conversation or it may be an obvious minefield. This discussion has the potential to unravel your current relationship, and only you can judge whether it is worth the risk. If you find that you want to proceed, stress that this is a joint venture and that your commitment to the current relationship is undiminished. Talk about what you would like to do and what boundaries you would like to see. While you’ve been thinking about this for some time, your partner may be new to the idea. It might be a good idea to take a break and revisit the topic days or weeks later. Remember that your needs and limits may change over time, and the same is true for your partner. Regular and ongoing discussions are essential.
6. Proceed with caution. Time to get your feet wet. Things may not be as you expected. You are likely to have feelings you never predicted or imagined. You may have experiences that are more satisfying than you anticipated or much more painful than you thought. If your feelings are unexpected, try to remember that your partner may be having unexpected feelings as well. It will take tolerance, patience, and understanding all the way around.
7. Respect others as much as each other. When people open their relationships, they sometimes forget that the new people they invite into their lives have feelings and needs as well. If you are trying to have an ethical and honest relationship with your first partner, you should show the same courtesy to all additional partners. Otherwise, you will be treating others as objects, and no one wants to be a thing.
8. Practice Safer Sex. One of the advantages of monogamy is reduced exposure to sexually transmitted diseases. Increasing the number of partners you have will obviously increase the risk, so manage it with care. You owe it to yourself and all your partners.
9. Always be honest. This really needs no further explanation.
Non-monogamous relationships are challenging, but so are monogamous ones. Be prepared to face emotional obstacles, exhausting negotiations, and logistical difficulties. On the other hand, it may deepen your relationships, enhance your sexual satisfaction, and make you feel more connected to yourself, your partner, and the world. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but monogamy isn’t either.
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Photo credit: kris krüg/flickr