Jamie Utt believes that men’s hurt and pain can help transform masculinity in a way that embraces – rather than rejects – feminism.
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As I was thinking through what I might say in this article, I found myself sitting in the back of a classroom, observing a teacher in a school where I was offering some bullying-prevention training.
While the teacher was engaging the students in a discussion on the foundations of Judaism for a World Religions class, I noticed that a young man was wearing this t-shirt:
For the next ten minutes or so, I considered what I could say to engage this young brother in a discussion about the impacts of his choice in t-shirts.
After all, he undoubtedly wears it to court attention, so a confrontation or preachy approach surely isn’t the best route. And I wasn’t sure of the best question that I could ask him to get him thinking about the problematic nature of his shirt.
Then the bell rang, and he quickly grabbed his things and ran out the door, disappearing into a mass of students before I could get his attention.
As I sit here hoping that one of the other men in his life calls him into a discussion, I am still not sure what I would have said to him, but I do know that the route that would likely be most successful in encouraging critical thought would be one that calls him to reconsider what it means to be a man.
After all, I know that I’m more likely to critically engage when someone calls me in rather than simply calls me out. Sure, calling him out would have felt good, but calling him in may have led to change.
That said, the “calling in” conversation isn’t likely to be a discussion I could have with him in passing, for a reconsideration of masculinity and gender isn’t exactly the stuff of hallway banter in a busy high school.
Meeting Men Where They Are
Yet reconsidering mainstream masculinity and its role in a wider system of gender oppression is one more of us as men need to take up in all of its nuance and complexity.
And yet without fail, every time I have written something addressing the need for a new masculinity – one not rooted fundamentally in oppression, violence, and power over others – someone offers a comment or an e-mail about how my efforts are misguided.
They argue that the problem is not just in masculinity, but in gender as a whole, and if we really want to end gendered oppression, we have to “blow the whole thing up.”
While these comments are often quite thoughtful and give me much upon which to reflect, I still cannot really get behind the simple “Let’s just destroy gender” argument for one main reason: I don’t find it helpful for meeting most people where they are.
If my goal is to engage men, and mostly cisgender men, in participating in the movement to end patriarchal oppression, telling men that we should just end gender doesn’t get me very far.
Further, the “destroy gender” argument, while rooted in sound theory, doesn’t (at least as I’ve seen it offered) effectively address the ways in which people of all genders are invested, both positively and negatively, in current constructions of gender.
Thus, while my ideas may be evolving, it’s possible that I simply see the need for construction of a new masculinity as part of the journey toward the reimagining of our current notion of gender altogether, but that doesn’t mean that we as men shouldn’t invest earnestly in transforming what it means to be a man.
A Personal Investment in Realizing Change
Let’s call a spade a spade: As it currently exists, masculinity is fundamentally an expression of patriarchal oppression. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
However, until men understand our stake in transforming masculinity, of working against the system that offers us tremendous privilege, absolutely nothing will change.
As much as the women I know would like to see more expressions of a nonviolent, positive masculinity grounded in feminist praxis (to borrow Paulo Freire’s educational term describing the intersection of reflection, theory, and practice), there’s no amount of wishing and hoping or work that women-identified people can do to change how masculinity functions as a tool of oppression without also engaging men in the work to transform masculinity.
As men, we must call our brothers into an understanding of what we gain from reimagining and reconstructing masculinity in our lives and our relationships.
And while surely part of that work must be related to and grounded in the wider feminist struggle of female- and non-binary-identified people to realize justice (as has been called for by fantastic men like Jackson Katz, Tony Porter, and many others), if our praxis rests solely in the other, in those other people impacted by patriarchal dominance and violence, how much investment can we truly have in actually changing a system that benefits us?
Our work to change masculinity has to be grounded in more than paternalism or accountable relationships across difference (though the latter is vital). Our work to transform masculinity must be grounded in ourselves and our stories.
After all, whether we can name it or whether we acknowledge it, the current masculine paradigm is toxic. It hurts us (though clearly not in the same ways or in proportion to how it hurts women and gender-Queer-identifying people).
Masculinity as we know it inhibits our ability to build loving relationships with people of different genders and with those who also call themselves men.
Masculinity as we know it prevents us from seeking the healing that we need, whether that’s healing from the impacts of violent pornography or from our emotional disconnection or from our own experiences of trauma and violence.
Why Feminism Must be Central to the Transformation of Masculinity
One of the reasons that the Men’s Rights Movement (MRM) has gained momentum is that it does speak to the hurt and insecurity that men feel.
Sadly, though, it seems that the pro-male movement and MRM speak most often to those hurts, insecurities, and costs at the expense of anyone who doesn’t identify as male and without any real analysis or consideration of systems of power and oppression. And in doing so, they simply reinscribe traditional, toxic masculinity.
It’s important, then, that a new masculinity be more than a simple recreation of the same systems of dominant power we see in the current masculine paradigm.
As J.A. McCarroll puts it in this brilliant critique of “dude feminism,” a new masculinity must do more than create “a sort of masculinity triage, trying to eliminate violence against women, while still flattering men with the label of protector.”
What we need to remember is that the MRM is not the only movement that calls for the needs of hurting men to be addressed. Most (dare I say all?) feminists and pro-feminist people recognize the need for a transformation of all gender roles as part of the work to change the system of patriarchal oppression.
The vast majority of feminism is not so much anti-male as it is anti-traditional masculinity, as well it should be because of how traditional masculinity hurts everyone!
After all, one of the most common stats that MRAs like to roll out is how men are far more likely to be victims of violence in society than women (though often they ignore that Trans* and non-binary people are those most likely to be violently attacked), but their analysis ignores how that violence stems from a violent masculinity: We are experiencing violence primarily at the hands of other men!
Who fought to make federal definitions of sexual violence more inclusive? Feminists.
And despite some common perceptions, the vast majority of feminist anti-violence support services (like sexual violence and domestic violence centers and hotlines) are inclusive of male survivors and are working to improve their practice all the time.
Absolutely, the hurt and insecurity that male-identified people feel is sometimes written off with the “Well, boo hoo, do you see the oppression that women and Trans* or gender-nonconforming people are dealing with?”
After all, there is a disproportionality of suffering in our patriarchal system.
But that suffering, that trauma to our souls and our bodies, is not always solely gendered, and those truly fighting for justice recognize that we must redefine our gender norms to realize social change.
Emerging from Hurt into a New Masculinity
Whenever people ask why I am involved in the movement against sexual violence, I offer an equivocal response relating to the people in my own life who have been hurt and that describes the ways I’ve seen the impacts of sexual violence first hand.
I usually also offer some acknowledgment of my understanding of my role as a man in ending sexual violence that is primarily committed by those who share my identity. And those are great reasons for some male-identified people to be a part of the movement.
But for me, it also extends much deeper, and it extends into the destructive role that masculinity has played in my own life.
From hypermasculine posturing almost ending a relationship with one of my best friends to masculine entitlement hurting my romantic relationships with women to masculine socialization restricting my fullest expression of self, the ways in which I’ve been taught to be a man have been far from the most positive influences in my life.
But it wasn’t until recently that I truly understood just how deeply toxic masculinity has impacted me.
Of late, I’ve been sorting through some memories, perhaps the most painful memories I hold. I’m not always clear on what happened, as these images are clouded in disassociation. And while I have for some time doubted whether or not it really happened, I have come to understand one of the core reasons that I, and sadly one in six other men, need a transformation of masculinity.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
And like most survivors of sexual violence, this trauma was committed by a man that I trusted, one of the men in my life most committed to traditional constructions of masculinity.
I have not shared this publicly before, and I need to be clear about why I do so now: The memories of this trauma that have led to midnight panic attacks are rooted fundamentally in destructive, poisonous masculinity.
In A Language Older than Words and in A Culture of Make Believe, Derrick Jensen (an author whose writing I love but who I’ve recently struggled to support considering his cissexist and Transphobic actions) helped me to understand that so long as our identities are intricately tied to asserting power over others, as masculinity in the context of Western patriarchy surely is, we cannot ever truly realize healthy constructions of self or healthy relationships.
In short, we need a new way to understand ourselves as men.
And when I reflect deeply on my own hurt, I know that there are men like me who need a new expression of our gender. And I know without a shred of doubt that the “Men’s Rights Movement” and all of its investment in toxic masculinity, misogyny, and misplaced rage is not the place for me to find healing.
And so I turn to my feminist community, a place where I know I will not only be held accountable, but where I will also find unending compassion and love, not only from female-identified people, but from people all across the gender spectrum, including from men who share my desire to see a new masculinity.
There is much good that comes with how I’ve been socialized to be a man – brotherhood, strength, courage, and tenacity – which is why I don’t simply believe the answer, at least initially, is to abandon gender altogether.
Instead, I want to see a masculinity where love, power with, and compassion replace dominance, power over, and violence, a masculinity where some of those good messages I learned from the men in my life endure while leaving behind the destructive things that hurt me and so many other male-identified people.
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So when I think back to what I would have said to that young man with the t-shirt, I’m not sure. But I do know that what I wanted to say is more than simply “Do you understand how much that shirt hurts women?”
I wanted to find a way to help him understand how that expression of power over is indicative of a sickness, one that hurts us all, one that will ensure we continue to hurt if we don’t all explore our investment in fundamentally transforming masculinity as we know it.
Because doing so might help him understand his own investment in transforming what it means to be a man. And it might help me come closer to knowing a different masculinity for myself.
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Originally appeared at Everyday Feminism
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Unfortunately, there are more than one kind of feminism in America. Men actually heal better when they understand their own masculine identities and are not shamed for “toxic masculinity.” Men who embrace their healthy male identities are more likely to be champions for women’s equality. We need to come to this issue with a more male-positive message.
Hey, for anyone who reads archives, I’d like to tell you that AVFM conference hit main stream so called “conservative” media. FOX did a segment on the conference and sited where people can watch it at AVFM web site. VERY positive spin on men’s rights. Way to go AVFM. Let’s see if any other networks pick it up …..mmmm,doubt it.
“And I know without a shred of doubt that the “Men’s Rights Movement” and all of its investment in toxic masculinity, misogyny, and misplaced rage is not the place for me to find healing.” “And so I turn to my feminist community, a place where I know I will not only be held accountable, but where I will also find unending compassion and love, not only from female-identified people, but from people all across the gender spectrum, including from men who share my desire to see a new masculinity. ” These 2 statements together make me laugh. You do realize… Read more »
I only recently started to self-identify as a feminist (given the negative connotation), because what I believe feminism to be has changed. I run a women’s organization that works to give voice to women and helps bring awareness to gender issues which include sexual assault. For me, I have no other choice than to stand behind feminism as part of my work, and that means calling men out on opinions I feel come from a place of privilege. It has to be that way. We can believe feminism to be anything we want. It is up to YOU to be… Read more »
So all opinions men have come from a place of privelge. Right. I see you didn’t even bother to look at the three facts I outlined, well-documented I might add, about where feminism screwed up royally in terms of equality. Instead, you want us to be your allies, that a Men’s Rights Movement is a mistake and all sorts of unsubstantiated dribble that has been spewed countless times by opponents such as yourself. You want allies yet you certainly did not act like you cared about men based on those three incidences. You certainly aren’t even addressing men properly when… Read more »
Shelly, you said “I run a women’s organization that works to give voice to women and helps bring awareness to gender issues which include sexual assault. For me, I have no other choice than to stand behind feminism as part of my work, ” In my case, I work with adolescent males and because I do, I am an advocate for their rights, there is no way I would fall into the feminist camp. What I see is a group of males who have been discarded by society, pegged as broken with few resources helping them. I understand that you… Read more »
A good man toes the line, apparently.
Men’s Rights Activists … where do I even begin? If you are so secure in your masculinity why is it you are so threatened by feminism? To be feminist is to believe in the rights of all humans as equals. If you are a thinking, feeling human, which I often times am not quite sure if you have a beating heart and blood the same color as mine, then you will open your eyes to the fact that we are failing men and boys by spewing hatred toward anyone. The point, which was well thought out and articulate (you could… Read more »
Shelly with all due respect, you make the same tiresome, irritating mistake countless others have made when addressing people who have a problem with certain aspects of feminism: feeling like our masculinity is somehow threatened. No, it isn’t. For you to assume that says more about you than it does about your critics. “To be feminist is to believe in the rights of all humans as equals.” Who lobbied for The Duluth Model of Domestic Violence to be passed into law? Who erased Male Victims out of Sexual Abuse statistical research? Who pressured the school system to examine the issues… Read more »
Meanwhile they memory-hole critiques of certain feminist viewpoints pretty quickly.
“Men’s Rights Activists … where do I even begin? If you are so secure in your masculinity why is it you are so threatened by feminism? To be feminist is to believe in the rights of all humans as equals.” Not an MRA but I do read a lot of their comments (and many feminists too). Nearly all of them I’ve seen are threatened by bad parts of feminism. A lot seem to feel feminism is a lost cause now and have a hard time trusting feminists because of bad experiences. Most I’ve read DO believe all humans are equals,… Read more »
If you are so secure in your masculinity why is it you are so threatened by feminism? Who said I was threatened by feminism? Maybe if you didn’t try to equate not being a feminist with feeling threatened by it we could communicate better. To be feminist is to believe in the rights of all humans as equals. If you are a thinking, feeling human, which I often times am not quite sure if you have a beating heart and blood the same color as mine, then you will open your eyes to the fact that we are failing men… Read more »
Danny, my friend, do you really know what feminist call men: mascopathy, mansplaining, mangina? These terms were coined in academic masculinities studies. Feminism has its dark side too. If we’re going to be fair here, let’s drop the male-shaming comes from articles like this. I actually have actually worked with men of all ages for 35 years in the realms of social services and mental health. If we used these types of terms for women, there would be a real upset here. Let’s all be more aware.
How do you feel about Men Going Their Own Way, or MGTOW? We don’t want power or control over anyone but ourselves. We want to live our lives on our own terms without fitting into a mold that anyone else feels we should fit in. If you truly believe that men and women are equal, then both sides should be free of expectations.
Actually, being a healthy man with a healthy male identity is better for women. Feminism has changed in America. It’s time we, on the left, correct the toxicity that comes from some aspects of the feminist movement. Terms like “mascopathy, mansplaining, mangina, etc.” are all from the halls of academia in masculinities and gender studies. If feminism is so about equality, how about losing the male-shaming language inherent in the movement? Let’s be truly fair here.
Masculinity for most men is fundamentally about protecting and providing for women and children. If you are failing to engage men I would suggest that it is because you have a fundamentally negative view of them and consider yourself to be above them. The patriarchy I’m seeing is yours – your patronising and demeaning arrogance in thinking that you have the right and the wisdom to preach at men about who and what they should be. You stereotype all men, assume all men to be the same and confuse youthful ignorance with an overall culture. You think that young man’s… Read more »
I cannot agree more, Adam. In Jungian psychology, every movement has its Shadow side. The amount of male-shaming (trauma) that is committed in the name of feminism without any rebuttal is staggering. If we’re going to truly reach men, we need a more male-positive message, especially on the Good Men Project site. Feminists throw terms like masco-pathy and toxic masculinity and expect men to feel drawn to this message. It’s not reasonable. I think it’s time to re-invent this message and be more male-positive. What happened to the old saying, “you can catch bees with a little honey?” God, I… Read more »
I have three facts for the OP of this article. Fact #1 – In 1984, the Domestic Violence industry introduced The Duluth Model of Domestic Violence was introduced into its methods of determining what Domestic Violence was. This meant that all domestic violence was a product of the patriarchy, something done on to women primarily by men. This lead to Primary Aggressor laws where, in domestic violence situations, police are required to arrest the male only. These were advocated and lobbied for by feminist groups. No one spoke out or took action against them. Fact #2 – One year later,… Read more »
Fact #2 – One year later, following the introduction of the model, in 1985, researcher Mary Koss was hired to collect statistics on the population of sexual abuse victims. Men and women were tallied. But she took one look at the list of male victims, how they were abused, and said it was not appropriate to call what they experienced “rape”, So she classified them right out of existence excellent points eagle. and does anyone have bookmarked the genderratic thread, where they researched how the mary koss formulation had an input into what is considered sexual abuse? from the article:… Read more »
If you want to meet men and boys where they are you might want to figure where they actually are. I can tell ya; you’ll never find me, my friends, my sons, the guys I workout with, the guys I volunteer with, my co-workers, my prayer group etc…
You’ve continually have so many assumptions about traditionally masculine men that are wrong that I you need to start looking in the place polarly opposite from where you think they are. When I read your articles I usually end up concluding that you have more to learn than to teach.
So glad others see things the way I do. Thanks CW. But I don’t think many of these folks would come near where we gather. They claim to be open minded but the truth is they are very much judgmental toward those who don’t fall into a lock step with their tunes. And isn’t that the truth when you think of how many respond to “traditionally masculine men?” They want to strip them down to bare bones and rebuild them to conform. Reminds me of a scene from midnight express where Brad Davis was thrown into a Turkish prison on… Read more »
You would think I would know by now, but you want to give people the benefit of the doubt and think the best of them. I suspected this article would be a waste of time. Unfortunately he didn’t equate masculinity with oppression at the very beginning. Sure fire way of calling people in. Tell them their gender equates with oppression. That’s probably why you’re so convinced that men need feminism. It’s something to make them other than men.
That’s why I won’t identify myself as a feminist OR as a men’s rights activist – even though I support the social justice goals of both. There’s something beyond misandric entitlement feminism, and there’s something beyond misogynistic men’s rights activism. It’s an include and transcend state of consciousness that makes room for the best of both, and excises the worst of both. This is my approach as well. It means I am not fighting for one team over another (though I tend to defend the MRM more as there is a pretty concerted smear campaign going on against them –… Read more »
Same here.
Missed one, guys ^_^
No, feminism is not required for men to liberate themselves. There is no point in liberating yourself from traditional gender roles only to shackle yourself to the existing expectations of an established group. They can certainly advise, but that is it.