Andrew Smiler discusses how seemingly good kids from Maryville, Steubenville, & Glen Ridge could end up accused of rape.
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[Trigger warning: this article contains a graphic description of sexual assault]
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Once again, all eyes are focused on the (alleged) rape of a teenage girl by a high school athlete. This year, we’re talking about Maryville, MO. Last year —yes, it was only last year—it was Steubenville, OH. Once again, we’re left to wonder what’s wrong with some apparently upright boys in tight-knit communities.
There are many things that bother us about cases like these. One of them is that the rapists don’t fit our image of bad guys. They’re not bad guys jumping out from behind buildings randomly raping girls, nor are they the kids “we always knew” would get in serious trouble. These are (mostly) likable boys, guys who play for the high school team and are at least reasonably good at school. They also come from “good” families, families that are well known and respected. So we ask ourselves: how could these kids possibly be rapists?
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Let me tell you a story. The year is 1989. We’re Glen Ridge, NJ. It’s the kind of suburb you might have chosen if you were upper middle class. It was quiet, safe, and had good schools. Most of the adults were educated professionals who worked in fields like law and finance and voted for Reagan and Bush.
And then. And then a group of their boys lured a 16 year old mentally retarded* girl into one of the boys’ houses and sexually assaulted her. To be specific, she was coerced into performing oral sex and she was vaginally penetrated with a broom handle and a toy wooden baseball bat, about 18 inches long. The event was led by one of the captains of the football team. A dozen of his friends were there, most of whom were athletes; 6 left at some point during the events, but only one or two ever told the captain to stop. All the boys who stayed were football players.
The story didn’t come until a few weeks later. Although the girls’ mother knew something was wrong, she would only tell her story in small pieces before clamming up. The subsequent investigation gathered a lot of evidence, including eyewitness testimony from several of the boys. Three of the boys were subsequently convicted of sexual assault and a fourth was convicted of conspiracy. The investigation was shifted from the police department to the prosecutor’s office when the police department discovered that one of the detectives’ sons had been in the basement.
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Comparing the three events reveals some scarily similar lessons about how to raise—or not raise—a boy who thinks he can get away with rape. Most of the information about Maryville comes from an excellent piece of investigative journalism by Dugan Arnett of the Kansas City Star and the story of Glen Ridge was told in Bernard Lefkowitz’s book. Steubenville was well-documented online.
To raise a seemingly nice, upstanding boy who could rape a girl that’s not capable of giving consent due to her IQ or state of inebriation, you need to start at home.
1. Teach him the rules don’t apply at home. In Glen Ridge and Steubenville, it became clear that the boys were rarely punished at home or punishments weren’t actually enforced. Whether that’s because the parents weren’t around, the boys always managed to talk their way out of it, or the parents wrote off misbehavior as “boys being boys” doesn’t really matter. Punishment at home was rare and when it did happen, it was easily subverted.
2. Teach him the rules don’t apply at school. The boys didn’t really get punished at school either. Sure, they may have gotten bad grades—Cs, for example—but they were routinely not written up for other infractions like smoking or harassing other students. In effect, they always got the benefit of the doubt and they never had to serve detention or suspension, even when a teacher or administrator had just given another kid a detention for that same offense 2 minutes earlier and it was all happening in front of witnesses. The boys didn’t have to flaunt their family connections or status, everyone knew who they were. On the rare occasion when a teacher would try to enforce the same rules for everyone, another teacher or administrator would undo the penalty and perhaps explain the lay of the land to that teacher.
3. Teach him the rules don’t apply with peers. Lefkowitz talks about a group of girls known as the “Little Mothers” who took care of the boys on the team. They literally cleaned up after the boys by cleaning houses after parties, made sure the boys got home when they were too drunk to walk, and actively protected the boys’ reputations at schools. Several also performed oral – and occasionally agreed to vaginal – sex with the boys. The boys were clear that they did not date the Little Mothers and referred to those blow jobs as “hoovering” (because they sucked like vacuum cleaners). Today, harassing the victims at school and online is relatively effortless and wholly sufficient.
4. Feed his narcissism. If everyone is on plan for numbers 1, 2, and 3, then our boy will learn that he’s above the rules and gets special treatment. He’ll also figure out that whatever he wants to do and however he’s feeling is more important than what anyone else wants or what anyone else is feeling. In other words, it’s all about him. Perhaps more to the point, he won’t learn to be empathic or respond to other people’s feelings because he won’t need to; other people will do the emotional work to smooth things over, although our boy might need to say he’s, y’know, sorry.
5. The parents should have good social standing. These kinds of “favors” don’t get given to anyone, just kids from the “right” families, kids whose parents the teachers, school administrators, or sheriff might socialize with. Or might want to socialize with or curry their own favors from in return. In Maryville, the boy’s grandfather was a longtime member of the Missouri House of Representatives.
6. The kids should have good social standing among their peers. That can be the result of having money for the “right” clothes, a cool car, or having the house to yourself with a stocked liquor cabinet. Or it can be from being the star of the football or basketball team, as was true in all 3 cases. However it happens, he’ll need to be one of the guys that “everyone” wants to know and hang out with. And because everyone wants this guy to like him, they’ll be happy to stick up for the guy and denigrate the girl. Heck, maybe they’ll even burn her house down.
7. Raise him to believe in “traditional” gender and sexual roles. It’ll be especially important to call him girly or a sissy so he learns not to be feminine and has no doubt that girls are inferior. It’s also important that he learn all the misinformation we spew about sex in general and male sexuality in particular, as well as the stud-slut double standard. Encouraging a “take no prisoners” mentality and that it’s perfectly acceptable to pick on people who are different will also help. And because teens (and adults) tend to befriend folks who share their beliefs, those beliefs will get reflected back and reinforced by his buddies.
8. The victim should have little or no status. Choose a teen target who has low status and few friends. Like the retarded* kid (in Glen Ridge). Or the new girl who just moved into Maryville.
That’s all it takes. Well, mostly. Even if you do all these things, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll end up with a self-absorbed son who has little respect for you, the rules, or anyone else. In addition to the opportunity, he’ll still need to decide he’s willing to violate someone at that level. In Steubenville and Glen Ridge, there were lots of guys who had the opportunity but chose not to rape the girl.
*In 1989 it was still mental retardation, not developmental delay.
Hi Ogwriter
Is it sexual exploitation ?
Or do these women also want to destroy and damage the men’s sense of self,dignity and make them suffer for life? Is it done to humiliate them?
I try to understand what motivated a woman to rape a man, but I can not understand it.
I suspect, that like male rapist, many of them are seeking to regain power by stealing it form someone else because they had power taken from them earlier in life. The cycle of violence continues.
Hi Iben, “Is it sexual exploitation ? Or do these women also want to destroy and damage the men’s sense of self,dignity and make them suffer for life? Is it done to humiliate them?” I don’t even think this is the purpose of male rapists. I think that is the method used. I think there may be some variation in goals among rapists. Some men may fear women won’t want to sleep with them so they take advantage of a situation. Some may feel that the woman has cheated him by with holding sex so he takes it. I’ve heard… Read more »
Hi John
I tried to Google and find out why women rape men.
Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_rape
I browsed through this and it looks like they only describe theories of why men rape women, but not why women rape men.
They give many different causes,that I think are similar for men and women in many instances. Anyone on GMP that want to update Wikipedia ?
I don’t think there has been much research into the topic. There is only now just a few people willing to even consider that women are capable of raping others, male or female. We need to accept that women are capable of rape before a real understanding of the motives can begin. Too many people are still stuck on the idea that men cannot be raped, that an errection = consent.
I’m just going to put this out there. I haven’t really thought about the implications yet.
http://msn.foxsports.com/lacesout/the-10-most-disliked-nfl-players/
I noticed Ben Roethlisberger was on the list so maybe things are changing. You also don’t know what the polling was in Pittsburgh. I also don’t know what to make of most guys being quarterbacks and of course Mark Sanchez was just behind Ben Roethlisberger, which I suspect is because he hasn’t played well that might indicate that people perceive performance to be as important as character.
@John Gottman Since there were no standards used to define like or dislike,all that is left is speculation.
Rule one for talking to boys about rape – don’t ignore or invalidate their experience as victims. If you want to have an impact on the number of males abusing females, prevent those males from being abused in the first place. This means recognizing that females also abuse males. Until we can accept that all people can be victims or abusers we will continue to be trapped in sexist stereotypes. We need to get past the idea that men and boys always want sex, that they should feel thankful if an older woman “initiates them into sex”, than errection equals… Read more »
“Rule one for talking to boys about rape – don’t ignore or invalidate their experience as victims.”
If someone doesn’t respect their own no, why would they respect anyone else’s?
Rule one for talking to boys about rape – don’t ignore or invalidate their experience as victims. If you want to have an impact on the number of males abusing females, prevent those males from being abused in the first place. This means recognizing that females also abuse males. Until we can accept that all people can be victims or abusers we will continue to be trapped in sexist stereotypes. Agreed. For all the talk we see of sympathy/empathy/compassion there seems to be an awful short supply of it for males (whether they are victims of crimes or not it… Read more »
“Basically as it stands we are telling males that the crimes committed against them are not that big of a deal but the crimes they commit against females are a major issue that needs to be assaulted.” not saying that the crimes against males aren’t a big of a deal, but, rather, that crimes against females are influenced by patriarchal thinking — that is, when we challenge the crimes done against females, we challenge patriarchal and gendered ideologies, objectification, and socialisation of an individual and a society on how to view females. of course, there is also that sense when… Read more »
Hi Renee, I had a bit of trouble following your comment, but I think you are essentially saying that we view crimes against females as more significant because females are “like children” and less able to defend themselves and therefore a crime against a female is more of a moral outrage. (Just to be clear, this is not what I believe) While the above patriarchal perspective benefits women, and many women enjoy this privilege (yes it is part of the female privilege package), it is still sexist and it still erodes women’s autonomy. For our society to be equal a… Read more »
I was taking renee’s comment to say that its not that male against female crimes are taken more seriously than female against male crimes but that male against female crimes are a part of some patriarchal thinking. If that is the case I’m still at a bit of a loss as to how we can simultaneously say that all rape is a serious issue and downplay any variation of rape that is not male against female. For instance events like the Stuebenville case where major news outlets expressed compassion and sympathy for the guys that got convicted as proof that… Read more »
Danny, I re-read Renee’s comment and I can see you might be right. Personally, I don’t believe in the existence of a patriarchy, let alone as some sort of oppressive cult. The elite of societies now and in the past have always organized themselves around retaining power and money within their families, not within their gender. To believe in a patriarchy one must ignore the fact that the majorities of those who are on the loosing end of life are male – suicides, prisoners, homeless, and drug addicted. While it is true that most leaders in the past were male,… Read more »
Going off topic here I know but I have to say this. Is there a complex system in place that perpetuates itself by limiting people to restrictive gender roles? I think there is. Should this system be named after a select few who really only make up the upper echelons of men but are propped up as representation of the whole (and even then only the supposed positive parts of that select few)? No. When it comes to gender things are a complex mess and I think that simply trying to label it with a man name misses a lot… Read more »
@Danny The stubborn belief in the patriarchy in the face of credible contrary evidence,I think can be explained this way. Consider for a moment how advantageous it is to be able to blame an entire class of people as the source of all significant wrongdoing. How would that improve your status? I believe we overthink this stuff. Usually,if one is looking for the hidden motivation behind certain behavior,look at who benefits. We are base animals motivated by a handful of emotions.Our guile,cunning and denial sufficiently obscures this truth.So we manufacture elaborate theories and the like that allow us hide our… Read more »
“…try to force the entire picture through the lens instead of adjusting the lens.” It is fair to say that the-blame-the patriarchy-for-every-problem lens offers a great number of people an easily digestable,understandable,BLAMEFREE,answer for all the of uncomfortable, complexities and hardcore conundrums of life.This formula,which provides people easy answers that blame others for all of their significant problems, is as tried and true as a carpenter’s straight edge.This dynamic has been present in Rome,in Germany,the US and hundreds of other civilizations throughout history. and This has been consistently exploited by clever leaders.This approach allows Joe and Jane,who are easily swayed if… Read more »
It is interesting that when men are the victims of crime they are viewed as individual incidents unrelated to anything else happening in society. However, when a crime is committed against a women it is seen as one more case report supporting the existence of an “oppressive patriarchy”.
A better understanding of interpersonal violence would be achieved if we let the data lead us to conclusions rather than trying to make the data support our predetermined ideas.
@ Andrew You make a decent argument, however,there are some inconsistencies in your logic. If one accepts your implied premise that rapists are bred exclusively by certain cultures-like sports-then your analysis makes sense.Sort of.Without facts to support the theory,it doesn’t make sense.Its just your opinion.You wrote,”Once again,which implies great frequency outside norms-all eyes are focused on an (alleged) rape of a teen age girl by a high school (male) athlete.” Not true.All eyes are not focused on this case.The process by which stories are chosen for national exposure by the news media is hardly democratic or meritorious.Just because something is… Read more »
There was a time in this country (actually, only a few decades ago) when bad behavior by school athletes was ignored by the media and just about everyone else. Even tolerated at times. For justice’s sake I want the coverups of crimes to be exposed. This sort of investigative reporting is only a recent development.
The worst enemies of school sports are not the critics of the culture gone wrong, but the enablers among the fans.
Another point: Yes, rapes happen every day. But the newsworthy element in these cases is that a coverup was staged each time. Also, the rape victims were mistreated in one way or another after the crime by many in the community. In Steubenville the 16-year-old victim received death threats after the verdict. That is the real scandal. Not just the rape itself.
Everyone should read Our Guys by Bernard Lefkowitz, which is about the Glen Ridge scandal. A sad commentary on our society.
@ Bill
Churches have covered up rapes. Schools have covered up rapes and not just of it’s sports teams. The military has covered up rapes. A lot of these victims have faced retaliation for speaking out.
That is true. I’ve been following the Catholic scandals since the 1990s. The despicable religious hypocrisy is astounding.
That’s true. And it all sends the message rape isn’t such a serious crime, that it should not be taken seriously. After all, it was probably caused by boy’s/men’s sexual urges, so why should we care that much?
I respect your initial point, that the author is focusing specifically on male athletes as opposed to rapists at large & that this is perhaps unfair (though the author is by no means saying all athletes are rapists or all rapists or athletes, the rape cases that are currently receiving media attention have been perpetrated by athletes so…). I hear that you’re feeling stereotyped as an athlete & a bit defensive of something that you value & is important to you. Totally understandable. That being said there are a few things that I’m having a very hard time understanding &… Read more »
@ Jihan
“Statistically the vast majority of rape perpetrators are men, regardless of the gender of the person who is raped.”
Unless you believe that 55% or 60% constitute a VAST majority, you are wrong. In fact in certain specific situations like juvenile detention the vast majority, over 80% of sexual assaults / rapes, are committed by women / girls. Among staff rapes about 95% are committed by female staff against male inmates. Female staff commit about 40% of all rapes in adult prison.
I can see how the percentages maybe matter in terms of large-scale policy or legislation, but ultimately on the local, individual level, what difference does it really make who’s in the majority or how big the majority is? Even at the *lowest* estimate of male victims, we’re talking about hundreds of thousands of people! Millions of rapes. Are people out there really suggesting some sort of magical percentage cut off for justice? “Sorry, your victimization is only 8.2% of the total, which is below the 15% needed for anyone to care.” I don’t see how telling people that they’re in… Read more »
Well said, I agree!
Your statistics are off. You choose the researches (many times distrusted) with the higher number of female rapists so you can feel better for some reason. Even your “specific situations” talk more about statutory rape than actually any kind of physically violent situation like the ones being talked about in the article. (btw, I could believe in some situations women could commit more non-violent statutory rape with teen (15-17) guys than men, even more if you take into consideration how teen males are way more willing to have sex with any older woman attractive enough than vice-versa, and how women… Read more »
Who are the “others” you are referring to? Statistically the vast majority of rape perpetrators are men, regardless of the gender of the person who is raped so the only answer I can think of to that question is that they have the same reasons because the boys who rape become men who rape. They’re not different people, just different ages. What do you mean by vast? Some antonyms of vast is insignificant, trivial, unimportant, tiny. Women make up about 20-25% of rapists according to some surveys (CDC’s NISVS 2010, http://archpedi.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1748355 , http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9382908 and more). I wouldn’t call that trivial,… Read more »
@Tamen and Jihan The others are lesbians and straight women and bisexuals and transpersons and gay men. Statistically speaking, all of these groups have the same percentage of rapists as straight males..Thererfore, the reason more straight men are rapists is the sheer volume of numbers of their population.This is a very diferent thing than saying that men are more predisposed to raping than others.Comoaratively, rape is the same among all,of the groups I mentioned.Given this,it makes sense to me at least, attempt to look for some common links,beyond gender,class,status,sexual orientation,etc. . Considering the prevalence of rape throughout culture it seems… Read more »
You misrepresented what Andrew Smiler was saying. He was not saying that participating in a sport causes rape. He expresses sound moral principles that have a broad application. (By the way, it seems to me that those who say attention is not paid to the rape of boys are more likely to point out female-on-male rape than they are male-on-male rape. I wonder why that is. Politics, perhaps?) Your claim that the motivation for the news media reporting Steubenville and Maryville type coverups is to make money because the reports are good sell is outrageous. The fact is that such… Read more »
(By the way, it seems to me that those who say attention is not paid to the rape of boys are more likely to point out female-on-male rape than they are male-on-male rape. I wonder why that is. Politics, perhaps?) My guess is that male against male rape is more readily acknowledged than female against male rape. From what I’ve seen this seems to be the case because a male against male rape case still fits the “its something males do….” even if the “…..to females” part doesn’t fit. Even as we see that female against male rape happens a… Read more »
@ Danny
I think clearly gender has something to do with rape. Most make rapists choose female victims and most female rapists choose male victims. When you look at murder though most men choose male victims and most women choose male victims. Having your life viewed as being not valuable or less valuable might be a view society holds of men.
@ Bill
“By the way, it seems to me that those who say attention is not paid to the rape of boys are more likely to point out female-on-male rape than they are male-on-male rape. I wonder why that is. Politics, perhaps?”
Or perhaps it has something to do with the VAST MAJORITY (defined as over 80% estimated) rapes of men / boys had a female assailant.
Just in case I wasn’t clear in my comment which ogwriter replied to: I do know who the others are. I was protesting Jihan’s implication that there weren’t any other rapist (of any significance) beside male rapists..
Hi Tamen
You seem to be well informed about this issue.
I have one question to you. Why do women rape men?
A psychiatrist at the university in Oslo told me the usual explanation for why men rape women is to hurt other MEN. I think he was talking about men in the West,and not those that in war zones, or with experience themselves of rape against them self of their family in war.
If this is one of the good explanations, that men rape women to hurt other men, then what are good analyses of why women rape men?
@Iben Hello there. I thought this might interest you. According to a US DOJ report, 2008-2009,95% of ALL youth who were incarserated,reporting staff sexual misconduct, were victimized by female staff.
95%!
Hi Iben, I really wish you could cite your assertions better as it sure would be interesting to read the underlying research upon which that psychiatrist based that assertion. I’ve only seen that reason mentioned as a possible/contributing cause for conflict-rape where attackers rape the women of a conquered village in order to humiliate the surviving men. I haven’t seen it as an explanation for why men rape women in a non-conflict situation (which is what I assume you mean by “in the West”). Unless I see some support for this I think it’s just as far-fetched as Susan Brownmiller’s… Read more »
Hi Tamen The professor told me this in a therapy session . Thinking back on it, I am sure he did what he could to not make me more anxious about rape than I already was. In my thirties , the way some men looked at in street triggered panick attack and I was afraid of rape. ( the male gaze is no minor issue for some ). Maybe women also have gaze like that. Wikipedia on causes of sexual violence give many theories, but only write about men raping women. You should update Wikipedia Tamen, they need help. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_sexual_violence… Read more »
Apparently I messed up the blockquoting. The Brownmiller quote ends after “a state of fear”” – the remaining text is written by men and shouldn’t be in a quote.
@Bill Wait-a-minute.You mean to tell me that there were racists athletes in the South during the sixties? The earth is round and some kids where their trousers wayyyy too low.Just so you remember there were also plenty of nonviolent,wholesome,nonthreatening,wouldn’t harm a fly southern belles spewing racist venom during this period.Should we discuss racism among northern progressive women too?The football players I coach are marginalized.You have mistakenly lumped all male sports culture into the same stadium,just like the author.Racism in sports has been covered quite closely in this country.In fact,sports has been decades ahead of the rest of society in eradicating… Read more »
Nor does it seem that the village stops at just raising these rapists as this comment from Alyssa on GMP’s article “Chris Brown and a Nation of aped Boys” illustrates. “I think the term “rape” itself is being thrown around far too easily here. By definition, it is sex against one partner’s will. It does not sound like Chris Brown was resisting his sexual experience. And while his partner was older than him, she was still a minor and not legally accountable for sexual crimes anyway. To me this seems like an uncomfortable but common case of children experimenting with… Read more »
Sorry forgot the link.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/chris-brown-and-a-nation-of-raped-boys-shesaid/
John: Those are not the
droidsrapists you’re looking for. Those can go about their business – because noone apparently want to talk about them (except to either say they aren’t really rapists or to excuse them (“perpetuating something awful that had happened to her”)).Excellent article! 🙂
Thanks BIll.
An insidious aspect to victim-blaming that I don’t often see mentioned (wish I could find the source article where I found this point raised) is the way it indirectly models sexual behavior and expectations that are conducive to rape — i.e., the implicit message is, “Gals who dress provocatively or drink to excess [etc.] should expect aggressive sexual attention.” Consequently, some gals may at least subconsciously interpret that as an instruction do those very things when they do want sexual attention, and some guys may assume that gals who proceed do those things despite the warnings must be doing so… Read more »
We also need to be doing better at fostering clear and open expression of both interest and consent, rather than shaming or shunning it and thereby driving that social negotiation into the murky realm of defensively-mixed signals, plausible deniability, and interpretive guesswork that it largely currently occupies.
Tyson – I agree with much of your post, particularly the point about educating people to be better and more open when talking about sexual interest and consent. However, I think there is something very important to note about victim blaming. You say that it’s counterproductive. Which might be true, but only if we assume that victim-blaming is actually intended to reduce the incidence of rape. This is questionable. A culture of victim blaming shifts the responsibility for rape away from perpetrators onto victims, and even if it does not lead young men to actually think wearing a short skirt… Read more »
Thank you for writing this article. I wish it to be printed in all the important newspapers. Spot on and critical for the poor parenting to stop. Why I don’t want to raise my children in the US. Depressing how the fabric of out culture is falling apart due to lack of good values, community, honesty, kindness, love. Sigh 🙁
Thanks Ali. And yes, very sad.
I think that you left out a big one: Teach him to view women as objects. If the girl isn’t really a person, empathy will never even come into play. People can be empathetic to their friends and family and be utterly cruel to the people they have sex with because, deep down, they don’t see them as 100% human. There are some men who seem incapable of respecting someone and being sexually attracted to them at the same time. For them sex is something that you do to something, not do with someone. There are a lot of men… Read more »
Hi Wylee,
I agree with you and I think you’ve said it more directly than I did. For me, that’s the result of the narcissism in combination with the negative messages about girls/femininity.
7. Raise him to believe in “traditional” gender and sexual roles. It’ll be especially important to call him girly or a sissy so he learns not to be feminine and has no doubt that girls are inferior. It’s also important that he learn all the misinformation we spew about sex in general and male sexuality in particular, as well as the stud-slut double standard. Encouraging a “take no prisoners” mentality and that it’s perfectly acceptable to pick on people who are different will also help. And because teens (and adults) tend to befriend folks who share their beliefs, those beliefs… Read more »
Hi Danny,
Good point. In my head that’s part of “status”/good social standing (#6), but there’s definitely room & need for further discussion of the “real man” stuff.
“They’re not bad guys jumping out from behind buildings are randomly raping girls, nor are they the kids “we always knew” would get in serious trouble. These are (mostly) likable boys, guys who play for the high school team and are at least reasonably good at school. They also come from “good” families, families that are well known and respected. So we ask ourselves: how could these kids possibly be rapists?” Spot on. This is a good description of the blinders people carry around about rape. This is probably my own stereotype, but I suspect those “good boys” are actually… Read more »
Thanks.
d
and yeah, I don’t understand why “good student” = “good person” with little understanding that there are lots of exceptions.