Andrew Smiler wonders why we give so little public attention to boys and men who have been sexually assaulted or raped.
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Did you hear about last week’s New Jersey rape case? A high school teacher was accused of having sex with three students, then they upped the count to five. Maybe you didn’t hear about it because the teacher was a woman and the victims were boys. Or maybe because it wasn’t the NFL, Scottish Independence, or ISIL. But even with those events, I have this feeling that if it had been a male teacher and female victims, then it would have gotten more attention.
What’s up? Why do male victims get so little attention?
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Days later, the United Nations launched the He For She campaign (with a fabulous speech by Emma Watson), encouraging men to help reduce gender inequality, and the White House launched the It’s On Us campaign to reduce sexual assault (against women). This follows the White House’s efforts to spotlight and reduce campus sexual assaults; both are part of the Not Alone initiative. But when you look closely at the White House’s products, male victims are mostly missing; the online networking and support organization Male Survivor spent several days tweeting about the lack of attention to the approximately 1 in 6 guys, equivalent to more than 25 Million American men, who’ve been victimized but mostly ignored by It’s On Us.
It leaves me wondering what’s up? Why do male victims get so little attention?
For one thing, We Don’t Take Male Rape Victims Seriously. If you read the comments on the Dufault rape allegations, you’ll repeatedly see people – mostly men according to the names given – saying this was the fulfillment to every teen boy’s dreams, not rape. (Thanks Van Halen!) They’re echoing Bill Maher’s comments from earlier this year. In response to a study by Bryana French documenting that approximately 40% of teen boys and young men had been coerced into performing sex (or straight up raped), Maher attempt to “explain” that they hadn’t gotten raped, they’d gotten lucky. In effect, this is the same as telling a female rape victim that she was “asking for it.”
On top of that, acknowledging the phenomenon means we’d have to admit Men Are Vulnerable. We expect boys and men to be tough and display an air of invulnerability. It’s part of the manbox. When we joke about male prisoners getting raped in the shower, we make fun of their victimization.
When a guy gets hurt, we Show No Compassion. If it’s a physical problem, we tell him to “walk it off and get back in the game.” When a guy gets his feelings hurt, we call him a sissy if he cries too much; we might also tell him “don’t get mad, get even.” What we don’t do is meaningfully acknowledge his pain, validate his feelings and experiences, or give him any resources that might help him cope. It’s the ultimate version of “you should take care of yourself.”
This is all compounded by the Lack of An Echo Chamber. There are more organizations and bloggers than I can count who talk about female victimization and their needs. They’ve been doing it for decades and have been able raise our cultural consciousness and develop a broad array of resources to help victims. This is good; many women did and some still do suffer in silence and with little support. Due to decades of women speaking out and speaking up, they’ve developed a broad array of resources and the funding to support them. (Although there’s not enough support or resources, in my opinion.)
But there are only a handful of organizations and bloggers who speak about male victims and do it in ways that are respectful of all victims; we have yet to create safe space for male victims to speak out. Oprah raised the topic back in 2010, filling her studio with male victims of childhood sexual assault. As far as I can tell, male victims haven’t had their stories told in the mainstream media until recently when GQ provided a forum for men who’d been sexually assaulted in the military. Why the four year gap in coverage?
We need to do a better job of raising awareness so that when a guy admits he’s been raped, we don’t scorn him for being vulnerable, but instead we give him the support he needs.
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One result is that male victims continue to suffer in silence and get the message that they are disposable. We’ve yet to have a man offer himself as the poster child for sexually abused boys. I can’t say I blame them; did you see the picture of students almost rioting after the Sandusky allegations went public? As Christopher Anderson, Executive Director of Male Survivor told me, there are strong “disincentives to disclose or discuss experiences of victimization and trauma openly.” Any guy that comes forward to talk about what happened to them in the aftermath of being sexually abused (as a child) or raped as a teen or adult is going to need to be brave and very-thick skinned.
Another outcome is that boys and men who’ve been sexually assaulted don’t usually call it abuse or rape in their own heads. That’s the conclusion of a newly published study in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity by University of Missouri researchers Tiffany Artime, Ethan McCallum, and Zoe Peterson. They found that being physically forced was the primary predictor or whether or not a guy called it sexual abuse or rape. If a guy had somehow agreed, maybe because he was shamed into having sex by being called a pu—y or in order to prove he’s not gay, then he didn’t call it rape. And guys who didn’t call it sexual abuse or rape tended to fare worse than guys who used those terms. In other words, acknowledging the experience for what it was – unwanted and forced – facilitates recovery and better mental health.
We do not need to shift money and other resources away from women in order to help men. Helping women need not hurt men, and helping men need not hurt women.
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It’s time we do better for men. It is not enough to simply remind people that boys and men are also sexually assaulted every time there’s a high profile case of a woman being assaulted. We need to do a better job of understanding why sexual assault and rape happen, on campus and elsewhere; it’s not just a few bad apples who can’t control their sex drive.
We do not need to shift money and other resources away from women in order to help men. That would just perpetuate the notion that there’s a battle between the sexes and that gender politics are a zero-sum game. Helping women need not hurt men, and helping men need not hurt women.
We need to do a better job of raising awareness so that when a guy admits he’s been raped, we don’t scorn him for being vulnerable, but instead we give him the support he needs. We need to develop more resources so that when a guy acknowledges that he’s been hurt and needs help, he can get it.
Some resources
If you’re a male victim of sexual assault or rape, or are concerned about a male victim, the following organizations may be able to help you:
Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) (24/7 online support via RAINN and 1 in 6)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Try The Bristlecone Project (a google search will find it). Dr. Lisak is doing some great things in awareness of male sexual victimization. The men of the project have agreed to have their stories out there and for those stories to be used publicly. One result was that four of the Bristlecone men’s story in video form is being used to train an Australian Royal Commission whose task it is to examine how institutions across the nation have responded to revelations of sexual abuse. Then they will recommend changes to Australian law to address the issues that need to be… Read more »
Another outcome is that boys and men who’ve been sexually assaulted don’t usually call it abuse or rape in their own heads. That’s the conclusion of a newly published study in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity by University of Missouri researchers Tiffany Artime, Ethan McCallum, and Zoe Peterson. They found that being physically forced was the primary predictor or whether or not a guy called it sexual abuse or rape. If a guy had somehow agreed, maybe because he was shamed into having sex by being called a pu—y or in order to prove he’s not gay, then… Read more »
“Another outcome is that boys and men who’ve been sexually assaulted don’t usually call it abuse or rape in their own heads ” This is in large part due to the societal narrative being male perpetrator / female victim. I’ve often spoke about how erasing male victims in the narrative makes it more difficult for men to see their victimization. Even a dufus like me in a few off hand conversations with male survivors figured that out a few years ago. It’s nice to see RAINN making the same assertions now. Heck, even a feminist or two (not many, but… Read more »
@Danny & John,
This is the reason why education is so important. Education alone isn’t enough, but it’s an important part of the solution. In some cases, that education needs to be brought explicitly to the relevant people (police, justice system), but at other times in needs to be broader (e.g., reaching victims & their families, wherever they are).
Of course, there also needs to be activism regarding this topic, including pressure to change laws & approaches.
One part is that some people certainly are seeing it as a zero-sum thing. For instance Dana Bolger – co-founder of KnowYourIX.org who published on Feministing an article criticized #ItsOnUs to be too gender neutral: http://feministing.com/2014/09/22/its-on-us-to-go-beyond-its-on-us/
I hear you Tamen. There are folks on each side who want all the resources. I think that’s unfortunate.
Count me in Andrew! I have plenty of personal stories to tell. I was wanting to start an organization for men in my area but I don’t know where to start? I’m also a community activist against injustice of any kind.
That’s awesome Edmond. DM me (via andrewsmiler.com) and I’ll help if/how I can.
good article. Hope to see many more like it here.
Thanks 8ball.
@ deet “It seems as if the progress women have made is because they cared for and supported eachother, whereas men can’t have progress “as men” when other men are the opposition. It is hard to keep the momentum of helping men as a group when much of the opposition is men themselves.” And? FMG is banned in almost every part of the globe, yet the people who perform it are exclusively women on girls. What if we were to say we could eliminate FGM if women would only refuse to perform it? You’d get many responses talking about victim… Read more »
I was discussing the rape of a man that happened recently in my city and while the women in the group gave sighs or words of sympathy, the men in the group laughed about it. not an uncomfortable laugh, a genuine amused/entertained laugh. Then a couple weeks later a couple of guys were retelling a story of a homeless couple in which the woman was berating the man and beating him. All I could think and had to ask them was “why didn’t you call the cops?” not only did they not call the cops, they watched the scene as… Read more »
well thats easy female violence against men has always been seen as a joke. Commedies are full of it, people who are socialized into see men as perp and women as victims, will always laugh and say you go girl, he deserve it. But how can you blame them? Everywhere there is the ‘ violence against women ‘ narrative and so little on violence against men, that it almost seem something coming out of a sci-fi movie, like UFOs landing near the white house. Incredible or not most people dont even know (yes they still dont know) that women can… Read more »
It seems as if the progress women have made is because they cared for and supported each other, whereas men can’t have progress “as men” when other men are the opposition. It is hard to keep the momentum of helping men as a group when much of the opposition is men themselves.
That’s because men are raised to see other men as competition. Its hard to override that belief but its slowly changing. Also bear in mind that men getting together is now often seen as a bad thing in and of itself.
I think Danny has it exactly.
I’ll also point out that women used to ask questions like “what was she wearing” and “did she lead him on,” but most have learned that those are the wrong questions. We need to educate people that 1) tell a guy he got lucky, not raped is not helpful and 2) that male-male competition has no place in this conversation.
Follow the Money:
There is way more money in the industry for those helping women than men, always will be And make no mistake about it, it has become an industry.
You mention the NFL at the beginning, if you reverse the genders in that scenario, and the woman was a pro athlete, she would not have been fired, or lost endorsement deals (Think Hope Solo)
Remember in modern society Women = Victim, Man = Perp. Anything outside this narrative is not treated as though it actually exists..
Hi jatc,
40 years ago, there was no industry for helping women who were victims. 20 years ago there was no Amazon. It hasn’t been done yet, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.
In modern society, or not too long ago modern society (1960s), it used to be that women=housewife/mother and nothing else (like victim). The conversation has been changed before and it can be changed again. But it won’t change itself, someone – many someones – need to make that change happen. You willing to help?
YES. The issue of rape and sexual assault, for me, needs to be changed in the direction of humanism. Rape is human issue. More men than women are raped every year in the US and even though this is a prison statistic, we need to keep in mind that men who are raped in prison are put on AUTOMATIC suicide watch. If rape can hurt and endanger men that badly and we can admit that in an institutionalized way, then there is hope we can address blaming of the victim in our culture at large, making treatment of all victims… Read more »
DOZENS OF MEN AND BOYS ARE RAPED IN THIS COUNTRY EVERY DAY. THE GUYS WHO GOES OUT DRINKING WITH THE GUYS, GET SLIPPED A DRUG AND WAKES UP TO DISCOVER HE HAS BEEN GANG RAPED. YET, HE WILL NEVER REPORT THE RAPE. IT JUST IS NOT MACHO, IT IS HUMILIATING, IT IS NOT A STIGMA THEY WANT ON THEIR RECORD. MEN ARE JUST TOO COWARDLY TO ADMIT THEY HAVE BEEN ASSAULTED JUST LIKE SO MANY ‘STUPID’ WOMEN HAVE BEEN ASSAULTED. MAYBE THE PANTS THEY WORE WERE JUST TOO TIGHT AND INVITING TO THE ASSAILANTS. GIRL TELL, BOYS DO NOT TELL,… Read more »