A good man, as the saying goes, is hard to find. Well, not really. There are millions of good men out there. Millions. Good men whose intentions are honorable. Good men whose behavior towards women is kind and respectful. Good men who appreciate love and value commitment. Good men who hew to a code of morality and decent conduct in their personal and professional lives. Good men who don’t need to be bad boys to prove themselves. And these good men are not hiding. They’re everywhere, in plain sight. The young cashier at the supermarket who asks how your day is going. The guy jogging along the bike path who smiles as you pass by. The weary commuter coming home on the late evening train with a bunch of flowers on the empty seat next to him. Some of these good men are already taken. But many are not. Many are available and looking for a good partner—a person who shares their values, appreciates their efforts, and treats them with respect. Recently, a reader wrote in to The Good Men Project and asked if we could provide her with a guide to how to court a good man.
I have known him all my life and had a crush in all the beginning years. And now we actually talk and hang out sometimes. Although I am not sure how to show an interest without being too forward or overbearing. I’m just not sure and never really find any GOOD articles on how to approach a man of genuine interest in an adult context.
So here’s our answer. A list of five attributes and behaviors a good man looks for in his partner, and five he studiously avoids.
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What to Do
There’s no greater turn off than his catching you in a lie about something a few weeks or a few months into your relationship.
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1. Honesty.
This is the absolute deal-breaker for a good man. He doesn’t need to know all your secrets, at least not at the beginning of your relationship. But there’s no greater turn off than his catching you in a lie about something a few weeks or a few months into your relationship. We all have dirty laundry—things we regret in our past, dysfunctional family members, financial issues—and it’s crucial to be truthful about these from the start. A good man is unlikely to ask too many probing questions or interrogate his potential partners, because he wants to see you in the best light. But if he does ask, or if you’re hiding something for fear he won’t want you if you disclose it to him, you’re much better off getting it in the open and clearing the air before your relationship progresses. Good men are genuine, willing to be vulnerable, and open to intimacy with someone they trust. But if you make them feel duped, they’ll turn and walk away.
Deserving something is different from feeling entitled to it. Deserving means he knows his own worth.
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2. Respect.
It’s not just that a good man likes to be respected, it’s that he knows he deserves it. Deserving something is different from feeling entitled to it. Deserving means he knows his own worth. If he keeps a tidy house or apartment and doesn’t like dishes left on the table or laundry thrown on the floor, don’t make fun of his habits; respect the way he treats his home. If he has activities he values that aren’t your cup of tea, don’t mock him for interests that may seem odd to you. And if he draws a boundary—around his time, his money, his family, or his degree of emotional involvement with you—respect it. Common wisdom says that women test men all the time, but men test women or any potential partner, too, in their own way. A good man doesn’t want someone who’s stepping into his life so that person can walk all over him.
Your time with a good man is valuable, and he wants to use it to create intimacy.
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3. Attention. A good man craves your attention, your genuine interest in his personal and professional life, your focus on him, and your eagerness to learn more about who he is and how he got to be that way. And it’s not just your sexual attention or flirting that he desires. When he’s talking or telling a story, he wants you to listen and not be texting a friend or answering emails. If you’re meeting for a date, he wants to be greeted warmly and not feel that you’re distracted. If you’re living together and he’s coming home to you, he wants you to be emotionally available. If you’re not, he may take refuge in watching sports or other distractions, which will make you feel rejected and start a cycle of resentment that can easily kill the relationship. Your time with a good man is valuable, and he wants to use it to create intimacy.
A good man wants to know what you like and don’t like, because—wait for it—he actually wants to make you happy.
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4. Your preferences.
A good man wants to know what you like and don’t like, because—wait for it—he actually wants to make you happy. Your happiness gives him pleasure. If you’re wishy washy or just go with whatever he likes thinking your accommodating nature will please him, you’re setting yourself up for problems later when you start to feel resentment because your real needs aren’t being met. A good man wants to meet your needs. He needs to meet them. He knows that meeting them is the key to maintaining a successful relationship, and since he can’t read your mind, he needs you to tell him. He’s also not afraid to say no, which means you don’t need to worry about being too needy or demanding. If he can’t do it or doesn’t think it’s wise or appropriate, he won’t do it. He wants to please you, but only in ways that are healthy for each of you and for the relationship.
He wants you to have your psychological act together before he gets serious with you.
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5. Emotional health.
Chances are a good man has been in one or more relationships with emotionally insecure or dysfunctional partners. These people have radar that shows them all the good men in a hundred-mile radius. They seek out men who are patient and tolerant, who will put up with their crap, who won’t walk away when things get tough because they love strongly and feel responsible for their partner’s welfare and well-being. A good man who has some experience under his belt has learned to spot the warning signals and to be wary of the red flags. He doesn’t want a rescue mission. He doesn’t want be your whipping post as you work through your anger over your shitty childhood. He’ll take care of you when you’re sick, hold your hand when you’re lonely, offer his shoulder and his handkerchief when you’re flooding with tears, and pick you up when you fall to pieces, but he wants you to have your psychological act together before he gets serious with you.
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What Not to Do
He doesn’t like drama or the conflict that inevitably accompanies it.
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1. No drama.
A good man treasures peace. If your life is all about the drama at work with your awful boss and catty colleagues, the drama with your parents or siblings with whom you don’t get along, the person on the subway or in the store who looked at you the wrong way, a good man is not going to have any part of it. He doesn’t like drama or the conflict that inevitably accompanies it. He’s worked hard to achieve a peaceful rhythm in his life. He’s removed toxic people or placed them at arm’s length. He’s taken responsibility for his mistakes and not blamed them on other people. He’s trying to build a future and a legacy, and he doesn’t have time for an endless soap opera. If your cat needs to go to the vet at 2:00 a.m., he’ll show up and drive you. But if your friend the alcoholic or addict needs to be picked up—again—and brought home to detox or taken to the emergency room, you’ll find yourself on your own.
Throw out every single bit of dating advice from the magazine articles. It’s worthless.
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2. No games.
Who’s going to call first? How long should I wait to answer his text? Should I disappear for a few days to make him want me more? Throw out every single bit of dating advice from the magazine articles. It’s worthless. A good man despises games. He’s forthright and direct. If you like him, let him know. Ask him out for coffee or a drink. It’s really that simple. If you’re dating and he calls you, he expects you to answer if you’re available or call him back promptly if you’re not. If he texts you, he’s looking for a response, not a waiting game. And if you reach out to him and he doesn’t get back to you right away, it’s because he’s busy, not because he’s ignoring you. If you press him on this or pepper him with calls and texts asking where he is or suggesting he doesn’t care about you, he will break it off, delete you from his contacts, and block you on his phone. And if you test him in a dishonest or disingenuous way or try to set a trap for him, he will immediately discern that you’re a game player. Relationships are about trust for him, and while he understands that trust is earned, he also knows that it doesn’t need to be constantly proven.
If your shtick is that you’re always the victim … you can forget snagging a good man right now.
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3. No playing the victim.
If you’ve survived any type of victimization, a good man will help you heal. But if your shtick is that you’re always the victim in every interaction you have, that everything that happens to you is someone else’s fault, you can forget snagging a good man right now. Because he knows that eventually he’ll be the one you’re blaming. A good man wants a strong partner who is honest about his or her own contribution in every situation, and he will not allow himself to be unfairly accused or criticized. Don’t be surprised if he calls you on your complaining and tries to set you straight. He’ll give you one chance to grow up, and if you don’t take it, he’ll find someone with greater emotional maturity.
Don’t kiss his feet … unless that happens to be his fetish.
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4. No worship.
A good man actually knows he’s good. He’s secure and confident. He wants you to like and respect him, but he doesn’t want you to worship him or put him on a pedestal from which he can only fall the moment he screws up and lets you down. If you tell him on your first date that he’s the greatest person you’ve ever met or that you’ve been waiting all your life for him, he’ll humbly deflect your praise and reassure you he’s not perfect. And he isn’t. He doesn’t expect you to be, and your portraying him as perfect is a huge red flag. Honor him, respect him, dig him, be into him, but don’t kiss his feet … unless that happens to be his fetish.
A good man is looking for simplicity in a relationship. He doesn’t need grand gestures to be courted. He just wants to know you’re not going to get hold of his heart then crush it and stomp on it.
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5. No assumptions.
A good man places a high value on direct communication. He doesn’t want to have to guess what you’re thinking or what you mean. If you’re wondering how to let him know you’re interested in pursuing a relationship with him, it’s as simple as asking him out and showing him you’re an enjoyable person to be with, a person he’d like to get together with again. A good man is looking for simplicity in a relationship. He doesn’t need grand gestures to be courted. He just wants to know you’re not going to get hold of his heart then crush it and stomp on it. He just wants to know that you’re an adult and will treat him as an equal. Don’t assume he’ll pay for everything. He’ll be generous but also appreciate your treats and contributions. Don’t assume he just wants sex. He wants it, but he wants it to be meaningful and intimate, to flow from the two of you coming closer together, not to be used as a crutch to achieve closeness. Don’t assume he’s straying if his head turns when an attractive woman walks by. He can’t help it. He can acknowledge her attractiveness without wanting her. And don’t ever assume you can take him for granted. Saying thank you when he does something nice for you, when he shows you kindness and respect, means the world to a good man. He loves to be appreciated.
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We hope this guide is helpful—for the reader who wrote in and for anyone who wants to know how to court—and keep—a good man.
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Checks all my boxes. Couldn’t have said it better.
Honesty, trust, respect, straightforwardly simple, clear and explicit in communication, direct & to-the-point approach, no playing games & no-nonsense attitude, no fake drama, high emotional maturity, and never to be taken for granted…. The perfect pointers.
A carefully considered, well thought-out and well written guide.
Quite a tempest in a teapot or a storm in a teacup, considering dealing with a good man is not every woman’s cup of tea. 😄
A pretty good article, but it’s too little, too late. It is extremely dangerous to try for a relationship with any women these days. It simply is not worth the risk. Women don’t have anything to offer a good man, and that’s the way it is. Don’t try to “court” a man; he’ll court you if he’s interested. But don’t hold your breath.
Wow, 1955 just wrote a modern ariticle. Stunningly archaic, although he makes some valid points.
Relationships with women are archaic now, since they are all cost and no benefit for the man. Glad you agree.
Now if we just had a guide on how to court a good woman!
Replace HE with SHE
A better article would be one on “why” to court a woman. What benefit does a woman bring a man these days? I don’t see any.
These are hard. It’s like u have to be perfect in order to be the girl she has been looking for. Almost all of it was already crossed? Or nearly crossed… X| no hope for me i guess. </3
Welcome to the Friend Zone – Population You. Because 1) He doesn’t find you attractive 2) Doesn’t want to loose you as a friend 3)Doesn’t like you like that 4) Likes someone else 5) Has seen you out on the town and through the way you handle boys – and isn’t interested in being ‘Next’ 6) Has seen his way through your social media – and doesn’t want to be ‘Next’ 7) You are more work, effort, time, money and drama than fun 8) He is more interested in building his own life 9) He is gay 10) He is… Read more »
This is so funny. I love it!
Good women are picky, and thank goodness for it. I date a lot of amazing women, but no passion with them. It will come. They are waiting for the same thing.
I really appreciate this post, except the drama bit. I can’t avoid drama because I’m a union steward and I work in a law office! Lol. And gosh darn it, when you become a caregiver to elderly family there’s drama there too. You also can’t do anything about family members with mental illnesses.
would I make any of that my partner’s problem? No. But if he’s going to high tail it out of there when I have a rough day and need to talk a bit, he’s the opposite of a good man.
L, I totally agree. The drama bit really got under my skin. (Most) women – possibly some men (I know my husband did) – have a need to talk things out – to talk through problems and struggles. When the other person doesn’t want to listen – THAT is when the drama starts. But when your partner listens (this does not mean “fix the problem”), you feel cared for. When you feel cared for, you don’t need to create drama in order to be heard. If they don’t want the “toxic” “drama” of your family member – then they are… Read more »
Which is better for all concerned. That way the bad boys and drama queens get what they deserve, that being each other
If you’ve got a “need to talk things out” with people who aren’t involved in the problem, get yourself a girlfriend. It doesn’t make any sense to talk to a man about it. You don’t want a solution; you just want to complain. Men do not exist to be your emotional tampon.
There is a difference–a big one–between needing to talk out a problem, or even just to vent, and drama. A good man will listen to a problem. A good man will even let you vent occasionally. But drama, which is created for its own sake, is a no-go. Lastly, law offices, which are indeed beehives of drama and office politics, don’t have to have that sort of effect on you. Know the guy who stays out of it, does his work, keeps his mouth shut otherwise, and leaves? (Hint: That was me back when I worked in a big firm)… Read more »
As I understand the question, the woman is asking how to approach her friend and let him know her interest in him. What you said about respect, attention, not playing the victim, etc were terrific, but they didn’t seem to answer the question. Am I wrong?
I keep reading these articles, thinking there’ll be something new. Lol. It’s actually nothing we don’t already know. The reality is this: You need to have genuine mutual attraction first and foremost. For that to happen, you need to be your authentic self. He either digs you or he doesn’t. I’ve seen lots of good men put up with drama queens, liars and what have you not… To say that, good men are only attracted to ‘good women’ is a myth. Yes, be honest. Yes, respect him as you would like to be respected. But, don’t feel that if you… Read more »
on this planet, there are very few ideas that are actually new. the problem isn’t that we don’t “know”, but that we simply aren’t doing it. and we aren’t doing it because we are not bringing it to conscious thought, which is the purpose of these articles.
Overall a great article. However I would disagree about in What Not To Do, #1 No drama. I’ve always wondered what people meant by this on dating sites. My ex-husband was a diagnosed Borderline, and my oldest son is an actor. Emotions writ large, messy and often incoherent over trivial things is something I have seen frequently. In a mental illness construct ‘drama’ is a destructive thing. But in a normal relationship discussing family interaction, social interaction and other awry emotional connections is not a bad thing. Yes, discussing emotions can make one appropriately emotional. Denial doesn’t make ones life… Read more »
Very well said, Lara. There is nothing called “drama” in reality. It is all about whether you have the wherewithal to express the emotion in a healthy manner, release it, learn from it and resolve the situation, or not. I guess most people refer to the recycling of the same old problem and emotion in an unhealthy manner, as drama. Comparable levels of emotional maturity is so important in a relationship. Also, as I am traversing a long-ish single run now, I am understanding the importance of spending time away from a primary relationship for a man. I still desire… Read more »
Seems like you’re saying being an actor is a mental health diagnosis and means “drama” comes with the job.
There are many of us good single men that are still available, but many women are Very Picky nowadays.
I think what you mean is that you need to review the point in the article about not blaming others for your problems. If you do, that indicates you’re less mature than you think you are.
Women are very picky these days, even men in relationships know this and say this.
We have the absolute right to choose well for ourselves. ‘A’ good man may not be ‘my’ good man but he could be my good friend and the best possible man for my best friend. Being picky is a positive trait when it saves two or more people from future hurt.
“Picky these days” is not an accurate statement. People are the same as they always have been at any point in history: human, and diverse. Women are people, just female people. We are all very different, and that has been true for all of history. Yes: there was a time when society wasn’t safe for a woman who was unmarried, so she literally couldn’t afford to be picky. Men could, if they wanted — to a point. But marriage was about different things back then, and even today in certain cultures that arrange marriage. What was different back then were… Read more »
Nice article, really. But, women will never go for this.
Great article, this describes me and my experiences to the T. Wish I could’ve shown it to a girl I was talking to this past month. Being a “good guy” is exhausting. Here’s a perfect example of how this recently played out … I recently was talking to a woman from one of the dating apps. We matched, she was attractive to me so I initiated the conversation as any man should. She didn’t have anything in her profile so I started with a compliment on her smile and asked if she would like to hear my dirtiest-clean joke. She… Read more »
Pretty good article, even though it’s very basic and, atleast for a lot of them, should go for both men and women. It just makes a lot of sense, and seeing it in written form that you should actually just treat your fellow beings with respect is nice, it gives me faith in humanity.
Girls, this may be the best article EVER written about the mythical creature known as the “Good Man”. Maybe you’ll meet one of them, maybe you won’t but at least you have this as a guideline and blue-print. Not to say this THE end all BE ALL ~ but its worth noting that there is a spirit of truth to the words. Though I love being told I am perfect, I know I am NOT. Hearing it makes me think of 100 reasons why I am NOT. But I will state that I believe I am a Good Man in… Read more »
really liked the article…thank you!!
Wow – I thought this was a great article! It summed up exactly how I want to be with a person, and what I hope they would offer me! It all seems like solid stuff – honesty, respect, affection, with someone who’s done some work and looked at their own crap and can be clear about what they want. That’s who I want to be, and what I’m looking for a relationship to support. Most of these things were strong features in my last long-term relationship – it was a good relationship, it simply ran its course. And all of… Read more »
Wow. First of all, great article: very true, for the good guys out there. But some of the reactions here are, I think, really telling about the psychological state of people. It’s sad, but I don’t blame them, for taking such a positive article and having such a negative reaction. It’s an indication that although there are a lot of nice guys and girls who just want love and respect, and know that means giving the same love and respect in return, there are maybe even many more who are not convinced, who see the whole world of romance as… Read more »
Did u ever think that maybe she had heard that statement before and it wasn’t from an honest man and she was trying to protect her heart and mine from a guy who wants some on the side? You know
she should be glad that she never “dated ” you.
the old saying ” if he says I’m seperated, that USUALLY means since this morning”. There are a lot
of douche bags out there. Especially on-line Seriously you’re only still married for tax purposes, really? Are you that big of a cheaskate. She should be happy
To Erin and Leela especially, but to any women who reads this and get exhausted thinking they need to remember every one of these or be some perfect woman to attract a good man. You don’t need to be perfect. The author says this. I think the general tone is simply have your act together and respect him. I would like to hope that I am a good man and I can say that I am not looking for perfection. In fact, a woman who thinks she had to remember and follow all of these rules would probably be living… Read more »
Well-said!
Very well written, balanced and thoughtful article. I couldn’t help thinking though, that all of these points apply to a good woman too 🙂
And though you’ve said there are plenty of these “good men” out there…have yet to find one. Or have him find me.
Thank you, I enjoyed the article very much.
Leela
I think these are very well thought out and articulate points. But I consider myself a “good woman” and I don’t think I would live up to all these points in exactly the way they were described. There are a few key points I’d like to address. Such as point 1, “Honesty”. We all want honesty in our relationships. But you advocate for a woman to not hide anything from a partner, “clearing the air before your relationships progresses”. Yet in point 2 “Respect”, you ask us to respect whatever boundaries he may draw. Including, “..around his time, his money,… Read more »
I don’t read anywhere you should be “perfect” or not have “off-days”, rather the opposite. #1 : it does say “unlikely to ask too many probing questions or interrogate his potential partners”. So if you don’t want to talk about something, just directly say so, a good man will respect that. It becomes only a problem when you indefinitely put of or avoid that particular. It can come across as a lack of trust. (And might be because you’re *assuming* he’ll judge / leave you, ergo not giving him enough credit.) For a potential steady or long term relationship, this… Read more »
A great article – going to bear many of the points in mine. If i succeed or fail, at least I’ll do so knowing I’ve been honest and hope he’ll appreciate it.
I’m married many years to a good man. Almost 50. I must have been smarter in my early 20’s than I thought.
Anyway this all sounds like great advice. Certainly if something ever happens to me and he is back looking, this would be the way to treat him. Many men – maybe most men – are a lot more vulnerable than they let on. Treating anyone with care and respect is the best way to win their trust.
I was surprised by the amount of negative comments some women made about this article. I, as a woman, thought it made perfect sense and described perfectly decent attributes of a good man I would want to be with. All it is really saying is that men and women should both respect EACH OTHER as human beings. If a woman is truly psychologically healthy she will understand that she needs to share things, and communicate, and be honest and decent with a man, without expecting him to read her mind. And a psychologically healthy man will be the same way… Read more »
it’s not you, honey. People obviously recognized themselves and went into self hatred mode. I read it and it confirmed what I thought all along—I have a good man. Despite being guilty of a lot of things women do you mentioned. I used to get so mad when he called me on those things. But I thank God he loved and cared enough about me to help me work through them. Nobody should have to raise their partner, and you should be grateful if you have someone that patient. It doesn’t mean they are perfect or don’t have issue, it… Read more »
Your post was beautiful, it spoke of a tapestry of love and sacrifice and the journey we call life 🙂 I salute your loving relationship and wish you the best Ernestine!
Totally agree with both of you. Having / expecting core values doesn’t mean demanding perfection nor no off-days, because I’m sure that -once and a while- a good partner would be understanding and supporting in these moments.