I personally like to consider myself as a philosopher. As a young boy I have always been curious and to be honest, it has always led me to one conclusion: That we are always learning. There have been two times in which I have had this epiphany. The first acknowledgment I experienced where I realized that I did not know what being man a man was when I turned 18.
By this time in my life I had experienced the fear of death, I have been kicked out of school because of reckless behavior, had no idea what having a girlfriend looked like, and had no idea what I wanted out of life. My parents migrated from South America and embedded family customs growing up. We had much difficulty communicating with one another. I could not do what most of my friends could because they were afraid. I found an outlet in movies, music, and YouTube videos. I would see many people living such lavish lives, which I envied. Even my peers seemed to have a good head on their shoulders. I felt I was beyond lost.
So I did what most young men at my age do, try to get into a relationship.
However, without the slightest clue on how to do so, how would this be possible? So I researched dating experts. It was so embarrassing that I needed help, but then a realized that I was not the only one. There were other men seeking help. No one knew that I would spend countless hours learning what I could just to look cool to a girl. And looking back on it most people still do not. This dating community was my Fight Club, and the first rule of Fight Club is that we do not speak about Fight Club.
Finally, I had an outlet in which I did not have to speak to my father and show how much of a disappointment I was going to be to him because I could not find a wife. How could I face my father and tell him I didn’t know what it meant to be a man. My parents worked so much and all they ever wanted for me was to be successful and happy. I will never blame my parents for how they raised me. In hindsight, they did very well. I could have been in prison or dead along with many of my peers that I had grown up with. Being sheltered was probably the biggest blessing in disguise. However, I did not realize it until I had turned 25, my second epiphany.
My father is a very solemn man for the most part unless he is around people he is comfortable with and then he is a child-like spirit. My mother, on the other hand, is a strong, alpha woman who had eight sisters. My father has a younger sister, as do I. So you could imagine much of the influence I had growing up was very feminine. I grew up as a very sensitive boy, despite my reckless behavior to overcompensate.
I felt as though I knew what I wanted to do, become a criminal defense lawyer.
However, I was more geared towards psychology. I mean by this stage I had read dozens of books about Neuro-linguistic Programming, Self-development, and Psychopathology for fun. I presented my talk on Mark Manson’s (author of The Subtle Art of Not giving F*ck) book, Models: Attract Women through Honesty, at my college’s Intersections, an interdisciplinary seminar that allows students and professors to speak on gender and sexuality. I had changed my major five times and did not know why. I realized was priming myself for what was to come, the start of a difficult, yet very fulfilling journey if I had not already started it.
I mentioned figures of the community like Neil Strauss, a writer for Rolling Stone, and Manson, who said they outgrew the community. I felt as though they did not understand how important it was that men create a community. It was because I wanted to give what I had learned. I wanted to show how it changed me. These guys were part of the community how could they disown what made them. I was not until I realized that in order to be a man you must heal the boy. Because how could these men be influences for others when their hearts are only set on sex and not the self-development? I learned that neoteny is the retention of juvenile features in the adult animal, and this was no different than what I saw in the dating community, manchilds.
It was there that I knew I wanted to help others.
But not just anyone, it was young men, those that were lost just like I once was. On my 25th birthday, while assisting on a program for the dating company I was interning for in Philadelphia, I had met up with a mentor. This was someone that was a couple of years younger than me, doing what I wanted to do. And he told me something that father was always practiced, but never verbally taught me. He told me, “When faced with a decision ask yourself what my life will look like if I do it and if I don’t. And that’s how you face your fear and live a life of purpose. You act in spite of it”
Not only did I acknowledge that I was getting older, but that I needed to take a leap of faith. Just like my father did when he asked my mother to come and make a life in America. I had learned that it is not about what you say to your children that makes you a good father, but that you lead by example. Actions speak louder than words, and my father has been someone of few words, but always a standup guy. Yes, my father is stoic like most traditional men, but it has never stopped him from taking action, setting aside his feelings to do what is right and necessary for his family.
Some people would say you can blame and thank your parents for everything that is right and wrong with you. I feel as though there is some truth to it. I asked myself “how can I navigate in an area that my parents had difficulty doing themselves?” But you cannot blame your parents. Just like when a bird teaches it’s young to fly, all they can do is prepare us. You become your own man in your own way; you fly your own path.
I do not believe we ever really realize what it means to be a man.
Whether it’s being a hyper-masculine, sensitive, or a combination of both, it is constantly changing. And there wasn’t really a time that I looked in the mirror and realized it because it’s a day-to-day. However, I am sure like my father, the moment I stopped wondering whether I was a man or not to other’s standards and started asking every day in the mirror if “I am leading by example for my peers and loved ones, and if I the type of man that I want my son to model or someone I would want my daughter to date?” and taking action towards that person despite my fear, that was when I understood what it meant to be a man.
Do you want to be part of creating a kinder, more inclusive society?
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