Can we talk about how man’s worth is not really related to his ability to score sexual partners?
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Will: “I have never put my penis in a lady”
Alison: “That’s alright, you’re a virgin, that’s cool.”
Will: “It’s definitely not cool. If anything it’s famously uncool.”
– The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)
The words “adult virgin male” perhaps evoke the caricature of an overweight, socially awkward figure, heavy into gaming and confined to the solace of his mother’s basement.
In what appears to be the obverse situation to “slut-shaming” females for high sexual activity, the heterosexual adult virgin male is seemingly mocked for his sexual inactivity. He’s definitely not cool.
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According to a large study by the National Center for Health Statistics, the mean age at which someone in the US has sexual intercourse is about 17 years old. To reach a quarter of a century with one’s virginity still intact is to enter a domain shared by only two percent of other US males (and three percent of females.) This is an achievement that, within academic circles, sometimes attracts the moniker “adult virgin,” but within wider popular culture, often invites more disparaging terms.
From countless teen movies to comments on online forums, the adult virgin male is branded as a bit of a loser. While female virginity may still retain some virtue in modern western society, male virginity certainly does not.
Such stigma is likely entwined with unhelpful notions of masculinity, where a man’s worth is equated with his perceived “ability” to have sex. I use the term “ability” here, not in the sense of a person’s physical capacity to have sex. Rather, I am referring to having the perceived confidence, personality, looks, social nous and whatever other seemingly elusive factor that is necessary to attract a sexual partner in the first place. To have failed to have sex with a woman is an inability to embody these qualities, which in turn is a failure to be a man.
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Indeed, the logic and vernacular of professional pick-up artists (PUAs) suggests that men who bed multiple women “demonstrate higher value.” They’re the sought-after “alpha males”[1] with something to offer society. They have high social status. Reasoned this way, the adult man who has not even slept with one woman, let alone multiple women, is the “beta male”. He has low social status. He is a male of little value.
As social animals, sensitive to hierarchy, humans do not react well when devalued by society. The adult virgin male is no different.
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Such devaluation of the sexually inactive man (but not woman) is also plausibly a by-product of the gendered dynamics of dating. According to their “sexual economics theory”, psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Voh suggest sex is “essentially a female resource.” Men demand it; women supply it. In the resulting marketplace then, men will trade financial, social and emotional resources in exchange for sex.
Fancy gifts, high social status, a shoulder to cry on – from an economic perspective, these are all offered by men in return for sexual gratification. But, a man unable to get laid is one who wields little power in the sexual economy. He’s been outbid for sex by his more valuable male opponents. Like the wistful entrepreneur with little cash, the adult virgin male is spurned by the free market of dating.
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As social animals, sensitive to hierarchy, humans do not react well when devalued by society. The adult virgin male is no different. He may experience what psychologist Paul Gilbert dubs “defea”’: a sense of powerlessness, failed struggle and a perceived loss of social rank. Defeat has been linked to thoughts of suicide, a link that becomes apparent when perusing discussions in the online havens of adult virgin males.
“I would rather die than have to be alone for another second”
“I feel so unwanted”
“Going to kill myself, cannot take this anymore”
Countless threads with comparably sombre titles litter ForeverAlone – a subreddit where virginal males come to vent their frustration, lament their lack of intimacy with women and seek solace in their shared experience of loneliness.
Similar online forums were frequented by Elliot Rodgers; the 22-year-old virgin shooter who killed six students in Isla Vista in what he claimed was “retribution” for the “injustice” of “girls (who) never desired (him) back.”
Sexual frustration and loneliness quickly morph into self-loathing. They notice they’re different from the vast majority of other people their age, people who have had some sexual experience.
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Yet, where the misogynistic Rodgers displaced his ire onto innocent people around him, other adult virgin males turn inwards on themselves. Sexual frustration and loneliness quickly morph into self-loathing. They notice they’re different from the vast majority of other people their age, people who have had some sexual experience. They feel alienated and inferior to these “normies” – as they often designate this out-group of non-virginal, coupled-up people. Alas, dividing people in this way, based solely on sexual experience, only serves to heighten their sense of alienation and increase their self-loathing.
The adult virgin male will naturally question why he’s different. Why does everyone else get laid and have relationships while he struggles? Several are quick to pin their prolonged virginity on immutable factors such as looks, height, or the apparent pickiness of women. Wilkes McDermid, a food blogger who leapt to his death citing his difficulties having romantic relationships, wrote the following in his final blog entry:
“Height, power/money and race seem to be the determining factors in human attractiveness for women. I’ve lived with this for all my life, I am 37 right now so should I just suffer for another 37 years?”
People like McDermid think they are resolutely fated to be, as the title of the subreddit suggests, forever alone.
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That said, many adult virgin males do make a concerted effort to increase their likelihood of having sex. Online dating, bulking up at the gym, buying fashionable clothes, joining hobby groups – they’ll try them all. When none of these seem to lead to relationships or sex, however, the adult virgin male starts to despair.
Again, to adopt the psychological lingo, he may feel a sense of entrapment: a perception that his circumstances are uncontrollable and impossible to change. As one ForeverAlone poster puts it,
“I feel like I have so much to offer. But life just always kicks me in the ass. Why get back up again when I’ve been knocked down so many times? At some point I feel like it’s time to call it quits.”
It is this perceived lack of contingency between one’s actions and their ability to have sex that leads many adult virgin males to define themselves as “involuntarily celibate” or “Incel.” Never having had sex is not the most depressing issue, per se. Rather, it’s the continued inability to access sex when one wants it.
Ah, but doesn’t this reek of entitlement? Surely no one, man or woman, is entitled to sate the desire to have sex, whenever one wants, however one wants and with whomever one wants?
On describing Elliot Rodgers, feminist commentators were quick to rightfully criticize his sense of entitlement to sex and male entitlement more broadly. It’s true; no one is owed sex.
But now, vicariously at least, the adult virgin male finds himself lambasted from two fronts. On one side, pick-up artists denigrate his low value, lack of masculinity and inability to get laid. On the other side, feminists fault his sense of entitlement in wanting to get laid in the first place. Quite naturally, the adult virgin male internalizes these viewpoints and feels a profound sense of shame.
Ironically, the sexual economics theory outlined earlier predicts that adult male virgins and feminists ought to be on the same page. According to this theory, greater gender parity leads to more sex for everyone (would-be adult virgin males included). Allow me to elaborate.
Indeed studies show that people from more gender equal countries such as Sweden, Finland and Norway, have more sexual partners, more casual sex and lose their virginity earlier. Adult male virgins then, ought to be ardent feminists.
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Women, as suppliers under this theory, exchange sex in return for financial, political and social resources from men. By restricting men’s access to sex, they can command a greater price for it – marriage, long-term financial and emotional investment: in short, more resources. In a society where these resources are distributed equally between the sexes, however, women will rely less on sex in exchange for wealth, power, education etc.
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Given that sex is enjoyable for both women and men, the former will be less incentivized to restrict access to sex. Put crudely, they will “put out” more easily. Indeed studies show that people from more gender equal countries such as Sweden, Finland and Norway, have more sexual partners, more casual sex and lose their virginity earlier. Adult male virgins then, ought to be ardent feminists.
Alas, a cursory glance at their online refuges at first often reveals a breeding ground of misogyny and bitterness. But probe deeper and you’ll find that the adult virgin male is suffering from what Thomas Wolfe described as “the central and inevitable fact of human existence” – loneliness. The frustrated, suicidal and admittedly self-pitying posts of ForeverAlone are merely the distress signals of the lonely.
Their species of loneliness is one that results from never having been kissed, never having had sex, never having sated a fundamental desire that has been hardwired by thousands of years of evolution. Like all of us, the adult virgin male craves intimacy and acceptance. So, while not entitled to sex, surely he’s entitled to some sympathy?
[1] This is a term that has been borrowed and misused from the biological sciences. Unlike in baboon or wolf hierarchies, it is debatable whether alpha males actually exist in modern human societies.
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Photo: Getty Images
Buy a dammed hooker and get it over with, that’s what I did!
That doesn’t cure loneliness.
That’s a nice idea but you’d need a hooker who is experienced in helping men like a sexual surrogate. The problem is that it is generally illegal. Because it’s illegal there is no government oversight of the hooker health and diseases and abuse thrive.
“Surely no one, man or woman, is entitled to sate the desire to have sex, whenever one wants, however one wants and with whomever one wants?” We’re not asking for that, or anything like it. We just would like to be able to achieve a normal relationship with a woman who likes us enough to want to have sex with us now and then. Just like normal people, you know? Nothing greedy or unreasonable. But for a variety ofr reasons, we can’t achieve that, and it’s depressing and humiliating, and common responses along the lines of “you’re just not trying”… Read more »
Damn man, I turn 30 today, and your post really rings true for me. I am the “resigned loser” who works 60 house a week, and spends his time off from work in a one room efficiency apartment, playing xbox and smoking weed. TBH, I actually started smoking in an effort to knock my ambition down a bit. Rather than go out and “try”, only to face disappointment, I’ve chosen an insular life for myself. I have my daily and weekly routines down to a science. Example: every day my alarm goes off at 355am. I’m in the shower by… Read more »
At this point in life, all I want is someone I can care for that also cares for me. Sex is always on my mind, but a relationship is what I want the most. If there really is a God, he must think this is hilarious. Like a dog with a treat dangled in front of his snout, so close yet so far.
Funny you mention God. I used to be a chirstian, weekly church goer, until my pastor gave a sermon one Sunday and said in no uncertain terms that most 21+ single men are in open rebellion to God for their singleness. That made me feel abandoned in a place that one should always feel welcome, church.
What church were you going to? Paul explicity states that singleness is a gift. Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2-6 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to… Read more »
Im 28 years old and still a virgin, what few friends I have say I look like a geeky thor lol Im 6’2 210lbs, so physically im happy, but mentally and emotionally I feel like subhuman trash. All the advice I get is generic, be yourself, sex is overrated etc etc. Ive been searching for 13 years now to find someone. As time progressed, the female rejections just got worse, to the point that they are just toxic. I dont even leave the house much anymore. When I hear people joke about i scored with X, or X wants to… Read more »
I’m really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been in the exact same state as you are, even our height and weight are really close. I know how you feel, and I know your pain. It really sucks that noone can relate to you. It plays tricks on your mind, and it’s a pit you can not seemingly escape from. Stay strong, you have my sympathy. I’m not a virgin, but I used to be an adult virgin. I know what you feel.
But women do feel entitled to sex. They want politically constructed rights to abortion, contraceptives and “sexual and reproductive health,” and they get testy when men stand in the way of those things. Just go online and argue that women’s sexual freedom damages society, and that men need to roll it back, and you’ll see women’s sexual entitlement mentality in its full fury.
You can also see that full fury if you try to argue that men should experience sexual freedom as well. For some reason a man wanting to have sex is entitlement but women wanting to have sex is liberation.
I think this article discounts the idea of abstaining for religious reasons but also places a huge burden on sex itself. Being somewhat religious myself I have seen virgins in their 20s, 30s, and in one case 42 get married and have very fulfilling sex lives. Speaking from my experience only having two girlfriends and losing my virginity/having my first full sexual experience at 24, sex itself did not make me feel any more confident, change who I was as a person or make me any more attractive. It also was never an issue for anyone I dated (they actually… Read more »
:>As far as people that are “incel” or some other term, nothing is stopping you from dating or having sex if you want. You have no idea how this works for male incels. Women have the gatekeeping power, and they can collectively reject some men from having sexual relationships with them to the point of sexually evicting these men. I keep seeing this sort of malign response to the incel phenomenon from more sexually successful people, over and over again: The refusal to listen to the male incel and try to understand the problem from his point of view. Sexually… Read more »
Hi Mark,
My intent was not to shame anyone, but to show that having my first sexual experience “late” did not fix or hurt anything and merely happened because I tried rather than complain.
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/08/unlearning-helplessness/
The above link has some good info.
All the best!
As a male virgin who is almost 2 weeks away from my 49th birthday I also agree that this article should have also put out a paragraph or 2 about adult virgins who are staying virgins for religious purposes.
Plus sex is more then just an instinctive act of lust programmed into us by evolution . I feel it is special because it involves the mind, the body , the heart and the soul .
I was on a national talk show about this and it seems like the media portrays older Virgins as circus freak show acts .
hm… this article is good, however it refers only on on those men, still virgin, due to being unable to find a girl to get laid. That can be frustrating I agree completely, but, there are also guys who are ok with the fact they are virgins. I can say I am one of them. And I’m 27, imagine 😀 Sometimes we decide to wait, and we nevertheless enjoy our relationships, or we just want to wait for the “right” person. And there’s nothing sick or bad about it. Cause I think that today’s society is likely to push you… Read more »
I better keep an eye on my son,he’s 30 and still a virgin. Thank God my daughter got married when she did because had she gone on much longer as a virgin, who knows what would have happen.
All I can do is shake my head when I read this stuff.
Ya’ll do realize that there was a time in he not so distant past that being a virgin was normal and not looked down upon.
A great piece and a great look at a modern phenomena, but I think you are going to get a lot of negative comments from certain feminists on here determined to see nothing but “male entitlement” everywhere they look for it. We are far less to see bitterness in women equally as entitlement. A woman who is perpetually single in adulthood and can’t find a man will do exactly what the adult virgin male will do, that is – blame the shallowness of the opposite sex and least a variety of reasons for why nobody wants her (her weight, her… Read more »
list, not least… damn not being able to correct typos on GMP.
Well put!