One of the things that I think I miss out on by not being a subscriber to any particular religion, is being given a clear set of ‘rules’ to live by. Metaphorical tablets of stone to follow, so I can know if I’m being ‘good ‘or not; aspirations to work towards, and against which to measure progress, and see where there’s a need for improvement. A kind of grownup’s report card.
So a few year’s back I decided to create my own ‘Commandments’, and they’ve been a good point of reference for me since then, to make sure nothing I’m doing is inadvertently in contradiction with what is important to me. They help me feel that I have a direction and a purpose, a ‘track’, and give me a way to check that I’m still, more or less, on it.
I felt that ten were far too many to remember or stick to, so here are my personal Five Commandments, written to myself.
1. Make the world a better/nicer/lovelier place in whatever ways you can
It doesn’t matter how ‘big’ or ‘small your contribution seems. From space, everything that anyone does on earth is more or less the same size anyway, equally important or insignificant. It’s only ego fantasy that tells you any different. This is an invitation to live in the real world, your real world, and enjoy the satisfaction of having a part to play; of making a contribution. Do what you can, do what you enjoy, and do your best. Not because you ‘should’, but because you want to; and you can! And enjoy keep learning new things that will help you to do more of that.
2. Don’t damage the earth or the people/things living in it.
I can’t ‘solve’ the big problems, but I can play my part, because if everyone followed this simple common sense edict, the world’s environmental problems could be solved, peace and love would reign, and all relationships would be happy. If we keep ignoring these things, as we seem to be doing a lot of the time, even if only indirectly by, for example, buying products with a heavy environmental price tag, or driving when we could use a bike, we’re pushing towards a social, environmental and economic precipice. Not a great future; so do what you can to help avoid it.
3. Look after yourself, your dependants and help others who need it whenever you can.
Almost all of us instinctively protect our families, and act decisively if we sense any kind of threat to them. But we men are not always so good at looking after ourselves; or other people who are need our support. But doing both will pay dividends. If you’re not in good shape, physically or mentally, you won’t be much use to anyone else. And although family interests naturally come first, purely altruistic acts are well known to create happiness for the giver, as well as for the receiver. It’s a win win win. And when gifts are passed on, we are contributing to our communities in a way that benefits all of us.
4. Love others, rather than seek to be loved. Be generous in loving (and everything else)
Many of us spend a lifetime ‘looking for love’ outside of ourselves, and then being predictably disappointed, depressed and resentful when we don’t get it. Because no one else can give us that love as adults, although we may keep unconsciously looking for it in the wrong places, if we didn’t et enough as a child, and then ignoring or retreating from any caring that is offered because it makes us feel vulnerable. The foundation for a happy life is to find love inside ourselves; to know, accept and appreciate who we are (by following our own Commandments, for example!). To recognise that we are, by nature, ‘enough’ and don’t need anyone else’s love or approval to prove that to us. Then we become able to grow healthy and passionate intimate relationships without holding back out of a fear of being abandoned.
5. Do what you enjoy, laugh a lot … and value the happiness of others as much as your own.
Life is a gift …it’d be rude not to accept and enjoy it! And to enable others to do the same, whenever we can. Because no matter how much we get for ourselves, the selfishness makes us feel separate and unhappy; whereas feeling connected to others though caring and giving brings joy. We’re incredibly lucky have access to the wealth of resources available to us in the West, and we owe it to the less fortunate to be aware of that privilege, to enjoy it, as well as doing what we can to correct the unjustifiable imbalances of opportunity in the world. But if you become a martyr or a slave to anything, no matter how much ‘good’ you think you’re doing, it’ll be a pointless and hypocritical act, and you’ll probably end up feeling secretly resentful and angry; self-righteous but miserable. And in that state of mind, a potential danger to the people you think you’re ‘helping’.
A good rule of thumb as a way of keeping what’s important in perspective is to try to live as you would if you only had six months left to live. NB The Commandments can’t be applied selectively. An action which meets one of the Commandments but contradicts another is automatically discounted. It’s no good looking after your family if that involves damaging the environment. Or enjoying life in a way that causes other people pain. That kind of thing.
Of course, the best idea is to make up your own. It’s a way to be truthful to yourself and to others about what is important to you, and make sure your life is congruent with that. That’s what I call ‘integrity’, and for me it’s the key to being grown up and grounded individual: a real man. They don’t have to be the ‘rules’ you were give as a child, or that are maybe being fed to you now by people who want to influence you, whether it’s a church, a government or a multinational corporation.
Your Commandments will probably evolve and change throughout your life; if not, it probably means you’re stuck or not paying attention…in any case not fully alive. So it’s a good idea to check in with them regularly.
It’s also important to allow and respect the right of other men to live by their own values, as long as they don’t cause harm to others, or prevent you, or anyone, else from following their own Commandments.
When you know your own ‘Commandments’, and anyone asks you ‘What do you do?’, you’ll be able to give a more meaningful answer than what your current employment happens to be. You’ll be clear about your values and direction in life. And as a possible appealing side effect, I have heard from those who know that women are attracted to a man who knows what he stands for.
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Brilliant. I felt that they align with my beliefs and aspirations, but I haven’t been so wise as to write them, and would not have done it so well. Now if only I could always keep them… same problem as the famous Ten.
For those who see this as having some anti religious (or Bible) angle – remember that Christ said it’s the spirit of the Law, not the letter. That which you write yourself expresses your spirit, whereas being just following a written list does not.
Excellent initiative and inspiring content. Well done!
Timely when many turn their back to religion without any alternative guiding principles.
Creating your own commandments would be awesome if you created yourself, but you didn’t create yourself, God did, so you should follow His commandments, which NEVER change & have been in place governing the world for thousands of years, not just 20 or 30, or however old you are?
The entire court of law is based on THE Ten Commandments.
Also EVERYTHING you mentioned in “your” 5 commandments are old news & can be found in the Bible.
For those of us who don’t take everything the bible says as perfect and immutable, however, I think creating your own commandments is awesome.
With due respect I would be careful about quoting what can be “found in the bible”, the above suggestions are universal, the world would be a kinder, safer happier place if most people chose to live by them.
Well a lot of people don’t believe in the Ten Commandments; otherwise, this world would not be such a mess.
Defining one’s own commandments for life is a great idea. Thanks for sharing yours, Steve.
So true about giving love. How does that famous quote go…? “Seeking the hapinness of others we find our own”. Something along those lines.
I wonder if anyone else has tried writing a vision statement for their life here?
Integrity is the brain muscle we use to create future realities….