Parenting is hard. Especially when you realize you may be reinforcing those stereotypes you don’t believe in.
—
I was reading an article in the New York Times titled “The Wage Gap Starts With Less Knowledge, and Lower Expectations,” about how parents treating their children differently depending on gender is causing women to not understand money and expect lower salaries. The article contained an alarming statistic, “According to the children surveyed, parents talked to 58 percent of the boys about setting financial goals, but to just 50 percent of the girls. And parents seemed to know it: When the company surveyed them, 80 percent of those who had a boy said they believed their child understood the value of a dollar compared to just 69 percent of those with a girl.”
I’m the father of a son (8), and two daughters (6 and 1). My oldest daughter, Norah, doesn’t really like to spend money. She tends to hold onto it. Her piggy bank always has something in it, and out of our two oldest, she’s the one with the most money in the bank.
But my daughter, she’s never shown that sort of initiative, and after reading the above article, I now wonder if it’s because I’ve never presented it as an option.
|
My son, Tristan, on the other hand, is another creature entirely when it comes to money. He loves to spend it. He gets money in his pocket, and it lights on fire, burning his leg, eager to get out in exchange for Pokémon cards or candy. My wife and I talk a lot about money with Tristan because of his spending habits. We talk to him about saving money and spending it wisely. We use examples like my father who took out bankruptcy and died in a one-bedroom apartment at forty-nine years old. None of it seems to sink in with the kid, mind you. He just keeps doing what he wants. But what I can say is that his insistent need for more money has caused him to want to seek out ways to make more money. He has set up a lemonade stand or two, and has been reaching out to our elderly neighbors to do this or that as a means of income.
Norah doesn’t seem interested in making money. She takes it when it comes in, but that’s about it. She’s much more interested in Disney princesses and boys and getting married. Mel and I often describe her as our girly girl.
◊♦◊
When I read the Times article I started to really think about money and how it plays out with my two oldest, and I wondered if I was, unwittingly adding to my daughter expecting a lower salary. Because here’s the thing, when Tristan wanted more money last summer, I suggested he pull weeds at the neighbor’s house. And when he did, I was really supportive. I thought to myself, “That’s my boy. Going out and making money.” I even told him as much. But my daughter, she’s never shown that sort of initiative, and after reading the above article, I now wonder if it’s because I’ve never presented it as an option.
What I think is a bad thing is sending my daughter out into the world without an understanding of money, and how to make it.
|
My kids fit squarely into a stereotypical gender dynamic when it comes to money. My son wants to make money. Norah, on the other hand, wants to marry a rich prince. This dynamic seems so natural that I don’t think I’ve ever really questioned it. And when I think about that, I realize that maybe, just maybe, I’m unwittingly part of the problem. In the grand scheme of gender roles, this all seems normal. But in the changing world of equality, it’s not.
Because here’s the thing. I want Norah to grow up and become a strong-willed woman. I want her to state her mind, and become the best person she can, and should be. And if that happens to be a full time mom, that’s awesome. And if it happens to be the CEO of a fortune 500, that’s wonderful too. But what I don’t want is for her to not have the equal opportunity and skill set to become the one she aspires to be. I don’t want her to be shackled by some outdated gender stereotype that says she’s a woman, and thus doesn’t need to worry about making money because she will be dependent on a man.
Perhaps this sounds like I want her to have it all. But as her father, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. What I think is a bad thing is sending my daughter out into the world without an understanding of money, and how to make it. Because without that she will be crippled and dependent on someone or something.
But the problem is, I’m not 100% sure how to provide her with all that, and I wonder how many parents are in my same situation. But what I do know is that going forward, I’m thinking about it. I am questing how I discuss money when it comes to my daughter. And next time there’s a lemonade stand in my front yard, I’m going to encourage her to be right there. And when we count those quarters, I’m going to have her count them, too. And when it’s all said and done, she’s going to get an equal cut of the profit.
—
Pick up a copy of Clint’s new book This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things (Parenting. Marriage. Madness.)
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Getty Images
Very long distance relationships and courting carry spot when two folks reside much distant from each other and are incapable to possess a glimpse of each other but on holidays, weekends, or on vacation. Find women of all ages at free of charge Lesbian courting sites and free Lesbian online dating support and Lesbian dating service providers Please visit today to find hundreds of women looking for females at totally cost-free lesbian dating web page to seek out free lesbians. Kesler (2002) argues that prostitution serves men’s sexual needs and meets women’s economic ones. So she’s there, and the next… Read more »
Great article.
Frank – Actually – as someone who loves art, reads about art, and does art herself – men in the art industry out earn women in the art industry. They are often taken more seriously and respectfully. It’s the same issue we find in books written by women vs books written by men. Please read this article: http:/ /www.artnews.com/2014/12/22/the-price-of-being-a-woman-artist/ I also disagree with your idea that girls aren’t expected to have ambition. But the ‘ambition’ girls are raised and socialized to have is certainly different from boys. Girls are raised to service everyone else’s needs before their own. They are… Read more »
Frank – Actually – as someone who loves art, reads about art, and does art herself – men in the art industry out earn women in the art industry Not my actual point, and once again you jump on the “women have it worse” bandwagon. My actual point is that men who choose to enter into jobs that are not financially rewarding, seeking fulfillment over financial recompense, are very often discouraged because he will never earn enough money to support a family. Girls are raised to service everyone else’s needs before their own. And men aren’t? You don’t think that… Read more »
Frank
I think you and Elin talk about two different phenomena.
That men are under pressure to make a success of themselves is not exactly the same thing as being under pressure all your life to take care of others emotionally. All others you meet on your way and not only the family you here mention.
Frankly I think it just fair that adults that choose to bring children into this world also prepare for the hard work to take care of them,(you use the word support a family).
Today both women and men support families.
No, they are not different at all Kim. They are two sides of the same coin. That men are under pressure to make a success of themselves is not exactly the same thing as being under pressure all your life to take care of others emotionally No, we’re under pressure from an early age to take care of others financially. Oh sure, nobody is telling 5 year old boys to go out and get a job and start saving for a house, but the pressure to excel academically from as early as possible is about preparing him for a life… Read more »
I hope the other comment passes or this PS might look a bit out of place…
I never claimed that men’s difficulties are worse than women’s and I wouldn’t make that claim. The same cannot be said for the women who regularly contribute here. Why are so many so hostile to hearing about the unique difficulties of being a man?
This is the fundamental problem – boys are expected to have ambition, girls aren’t. If your daughter grows into the sort of woman whose only ambition is to bag herself a 6′ millionaire, she will not be condemned in that thinking. In many cases, that attitude does not fade as she gets older – as the success of 50 Shades of Grey proves. On the other hand, if you son finds a calling as an artist, he will be discouraged in that thinking because it will never make him enough money. It isn’t just women who are limited by gender… Read more »
You said “And if that happens to be a full time mom, that’s awesome. And if it happens to be the CEO of a fortune 500, that’s wonderful too. But what I don’t want is for her to not have the equal opportunity and skill set to become the one she aspires to be. I don’t want her to be shackled by some outdated gender stereotype that says she’s a woman, and thus doesn’t need to worry about making money because she will be dependent on a man” It appears you’ve already removed the “stay at home mom” option. Fortunately… Read more »
Tom – I don’t think the author was trying to say that being a stay-at-home-wife/mother was an outdated gender stereotype onto itself. I think it’s possible to be a stay-at-home-wife or mother AND not be conformed to gender stereotypes that may hurt men and women. I also think that stigma’s about stay-at-home-dads are changing – at least I hope so as it’s more of an options for men now then ever before..but clealry still has a way to go before it’s equally acceptable.
You somehow seem less worried about your son being shackled by outdated gender stereotypes that says he’s worth is dependent upon how much money he can make. Why is that? The point is, you encouraged and adviced your son when he actively sought out venues to make a buck. Should you not have done the same with your daughter? She may not (yet) have so much interest in making and spending money. And that may or may not be influenced by her being a girl. (I remember me and my siblings were all over the spectrum in this regard, pretty… Read more »
So because this article focused on the *factual* information that parents tend to spend less time talking about and teaching their daughters about money then their son’s, and the author wondered what this meant for his own daughter in his parenting, this means that the author is ‘less worried about his son’???? It seems to me that the author is a pretty self-aware guy and he probably spends a ton of time worrying about all kinds of things for both his children.
Make her go pull weeds too –
That will all pass in its own time, as eventually she’ll be faced with several truths:
1) Royalty is less glamorous and more work than it used to be.
2) There aren’t actually that many princes to go around.
3) Tech moguls have more assets these days anyway.