I’ve encountered and been the Mr. Nice Guy. I was proud of it and many others are as well. It’s worn as a badge of honor by some as if it truly is something to be proud of. Brace yourself, gents, it’s not something to be proud of. You may be asking yourself “why” at this very moment.
I’ll explain my take on that. Mr. Nice Guy does what he has to in order to keep from being Mr. Bad Guy.
He is a guy who withholds in order to not upset the flow that seems to be going.
He is a guy that isn’t straightforward and honest with himself or with others.
He is a guy that doesn’t voice what he thinks or feels.
He stays silent when he should be speaking.
Often these actions are genuinely thought to be born of good intention. They don’t want to hurt another. That is a very noble thing — to want to protect someone. Is it really protecting someone, though, when you lead them to a false place? In my experience, this is where the most hurt is to be found. The confusion of a false place can be astounding. Which way is up? Which way is down? No one seems to know in these situations. Mixed signals often abound.
Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t want to be alone. He wants to be agreeable and give people what he thinks they want in order for them to stay. However, there seems to be a block to true emotional intimacy with this one. He listens and he observes and he caters, but he doesn’t give himself, doesn’t talk about himself, and stays reserved.
What Mr. Nice Guy fails to see is that through all of his lonely moments and times where he just wants people to stay, he is building a false and weak foundation of a connection.
Mr. Nice Guy casts his net out continuously — caught in an endless cycle due to the impermanence of the situations created. He keeps one foot in something and the other foot out the door ready to bolt.
He may state “I’m not lonely.” However, this is usually the guy who can’t stay away from dating apps and requires constant stimulation from his phone in any quiet moment he has. If only he would realize that he’s negating building something true with those in front of him for a few thumbnails that stroke his ego and pass five minutes of his time. If only he were more open and more honest, then he may just get what he truly wants. He may have a shot at something lasting and strong. Mr. Nice Guy expects people to walk away, but what does he give for people to stay?
As people, we all crave that genuine and deep connection, but what do we do to GIVE a genuine and deep connection?
I had come to a crossroads myself. I knew that I kept my voice, my thoughts, and my feelings to myself to keep from upsetting a silent situation. I was afraid that by speaking about what I thought or what I wanted, that the opportunity that I saw in front of me might be taken away. I was scared that I would keep losing things like I had done in the past. I was afraid that the parts of me that had been too much for others were just parts of me that were wrong — that my sensitivity, my way of thinking, my heart could be too much for others. I, however, realized that these things that I had been made to feel were curses were actually gifts. Gifts to be honored by me. Gifts that a good person that was meant to be around me would actually appreciate. When I started giving more of myself, started appreciating myself, started listening to myself and speaking up … I felt better. I was learning how to be me again and how to give me again. It’s something that I’m still learning. It’s something that I’m still practicing. The me that I hid after years of thinking I was wrong has surfaced again. I now feel like I have something to give. A whole me that I thought was long gone.
To Mr. Nice Guy, I urge you to use your voice and speak up! You’ll never know who’s ready to listen. I urge you to be Mr. Good Guy. The guy who gives his authentic self. The guy who can truly be alone and not have to reach into the atmosphere for a passing five-minute connection. The guy who isn’t afraid of showing who he is. The guy who has something to offer himself as well as another. The guy who searches through himself until he knows who he is. The guy who puts in the work for himself and for others. The guy who is simply unafraid.
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Originally published on https://medium.com/@tylerge/the-dreaded-mr-nice-guy-75b6cf42cd43