Charles J. Orlando tells us what men need to learn—or rather unlearn—from Ray Rice.
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This week, Ray Rice was cut by the Baltimore Ravens, just hours after TMZ published a video of the running back assaulting his wife Janay Palmer in an elevator. And not only was she hurt physically (Rice punched her in the face), she was humiliated. She was humiliated by Rice—who covered her legs up as she lay on the elevator floor after he knocked her unconscious. She was humiliated by the NFL and Rice’s team, as each did nothing to assist her and called the incident a “distraction” for Rice (and let’s remember that this assault happened in February 2014). And she was shunned and humiliated by the legal system—which also wouldn’t assist, with Rice’s lawyer hitting her with everything he had … including blaming her for the assault (claiming the 208 lb running back was “defending himself”).
Should she have married him after this event? HELL no. She should have left.. FAST. And that is part of what needs to be highlighted here.
I don’t want to focus on the woman’s side of these problems … because these behaviors are not the problems of women.
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The scary part: Janay Palmer is not alone. Women get hurt, threatened, coerced, and abused every single day—the details of which I will not type out in this rant. Not because it’s not important for awareness (because it is). Not because it makes me physically sick to think about and discuss these things (because it does). I don’t want to focus on the woman’s side of these problems … because these behaviors are not the problems of women. Yes, these issues impact women (in profoundly ugly ways), but they reflect the deep-rooted issues of (some) men.
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THESE BEHAVIORS ARE A REFLECTION OF PROBLEMS WITH MEN.
Men who are broken, insecure, controlling, mentally screwed up, and violent. Men who need to compensate for their own shortcomings and lack of real strength and masculinity by physically and mentally intimidating and inflicting pain on those might not be physically strong enough to defend themselves against a onslaught of abuse—be it mental or physical.
By calling these “women’s issues,” we are adding insult to injury by subliminally blaming women and asking them to work through what these men put them through.
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By calling these “women’s issues,” we are adding insult to injury by subliminally blaming women and asking them to work through what these men put them through. Stop it. Women in these situations aren’t at fault. Sure, they may stay too long in the wrong relationship … but through physical and mental intimidation, low self-esteem, belittling, and humiliation, these women are oftentimes coerced into staying and need a lifeline to escape. Stop calling these issues “women’s issues”.
THESE BEHAVIORS ARE A REFLECTION OF PROBLEMS WITH MEN.
Men who are vacant of empathy, men who are emotionally bankrupt and lack any measurable humanity. In short: horrors of human beings. Women caught up in these situations are first victimized, and then quietly villainized. Lay the accountability where it belongs: With these male cowards who are only men because of the gender they were assigned at birth.
If you are comfortable resting on your passive laurels, comfortable with the assertion that because you aren’t doing it then it doesn’t matter… then you are a silent accomplice.
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I know, I know. I’ll get a rush of email from men who will angrily spout: “It’s not all men, Charles! You are blaming all men! I don’t hit women! I don’t mentally abuse them! This isn’t a problem with me!” Quite to the contrary, Brother. This IS your problem, just like it’s mine. As men, we are supposed to stand up with honor for what is right … for what is just … and protect those who are not able to protect themselves. That’s what men do. So if you are comfortable resting on your passive laurels, comfortable with the assertion that because you aren’t doing it then it doesn’t matter… then you are a silent accomplice. Maybe if it were your daughter, or mother, or sister, you wouldn’t be so quick to bury your head in the sand and claim that you have no involvement.
THESE BEHAVIORS ARE A REFLECTION OF PROBLEMS WITH MEN.
Perhaps I’ll get inevitable: “Charles, you are full of sh*t! Domestic violence is 50/50 these days! There are thousands of men who are abused at the hands of women every day!” That might be true … but it hardly nullifies my points here. Women are being hurt. Full stop. The fact that some men are also being hurt doesn’t make it better or even … it makes it all wrong.
Where is the accountability *BEFORE* these women are hurt—their life paths fundamentally altered without their consent?
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Men: STAND UP. Stop sitting down and lowering your head, pretending this is someone else’s issue to solve. As we pour more and more and more time, money, and effort into programs that help these women pick up the broken pieces of their lives *AFTER* they have experienced abuse, we are continually failing to recognize that we are too damned late. Where is the accountability *BEFORE* these women are hurt—their life paths fundamentally altered without their consent?
We are still focused on—and attempting to fix—the symptom. It’s time to cure the sickness. Wake up, men. Assign your sense of masculinity to a sense of self-worth, esteem, honor, integrity, and courage … which also includes to stand up and stare back into the face of adversity to stop these broken cycles of blatant abuse and emotional abandonment. You, I, WE are ALL responsible to change this. And as for anyone who refuses to STAND UP and alter the present for women in abusive environments—I demand that you SIT DOWN so you aren’t in my way as I strive toward change.
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MEN: Want to make a difference? Donate; not just your cash, but also your time to better the lives of those who have been affected by abuse. Protect your daughters by being present … by being a father … by treating her mother right, regardless of whether you are married to her or not. Instill in your daughters a sense of self-esteem and self-worth, so if they meet the wrong man they will leave him without taking damage. And discuss the issues of abuse and violence; don’t hide from them. By acknowledging they exist, we can embrace it, dispel it, and finally, discard these disgusting behaviors once and for all.
Originally published on charlesjorlando.com.
Photo—Brian Hillegas/Flickr
@Erin: Danny, there is a distinct difference in how you talked about Kelly Brook vs how you talked about Ray Rice. You focus on the help Ray Rice should have gotten, and with Kelly Brook, you focus on the outrage you want the public to respond to because of her actoins. “If only” he could have been better helped, something like this wouldn’t have happened. “If only” he knew he had a place to go to, he would have made a better choice. Do you feel that same way about Kelly Brook? Why haven’t you articulated that same mind frame… Read more »
@ Zod “Should they have had to tolerate that abuse? No. And they eventually left those women (not right away,” I think this is what’s confusing people. You say that a man shouldn’t have to tolerate abuse (physical or otherwise), but then say that a man is wrong when he doesn’t. Allow me to explain. Let’s assume for a moment that Janay Rice hit Ray Rice in the elevator. After Ray Rice retreated to the far corner she charged with the intention of striking him again. He had no place to retreat to now maybe he could have with stood… Read more »
I don’t buy your reasoning in the Rice case John. I feel Ray understood the threat; he goaded her when they entered the elevator, and knew well enough her capabilities to retaliate. My partner called it a set up sucker punch when he viewed the video. I get that you’re making a larger point in response to a comment above, which may be part of the problem in these discussions – a lot of folks want to make a larger point one way or another, even when details don’t really fit. I fully support a Tit for Tat approach as… Read more »
So your feelings are a valid argument? Some how from a grainy audioless video you new what Ray was thinking and what he understood. And Ray provocked Janays out burst? Isn’t that what SJW are telling us is faulty logic and victim blaming? Did he goad her into hitting him before they got into the elevator? Did he goad her into spitting on him? If we are going to accept provocation as an acceptable defence then we have to extend that right to both parties not just the one you think or feel is in the wrong. I don’t buy… Read more »
Could be you have not read my earlier comments above, which is fine. I’m not at all against proportional response to violence inflicted – Ray’s response was not at all proportional. If you also look at the video closely outside the elevator, you should see that he spits at her first as she passes by, then she responds to a slap – that seems proportional to me.
As I’ve also noted above – I would have little problem with JayZ retaliating in kind in his particular incident. Not sure how all that results in a lynching.
I have read your comments and have noted the rather unbiased thinking you have given this and for that I thank you. To me proportional response is flawed. Its based on an assumption of hindsight – knowing what the outcome of any given situation will be before it occurs. It also relies on stable rational thinking. Two people who have a troubled relationship who are mid argument and in the middle of a physical conflict can hardly be categorised as rational. Add to that in this case Janay charged at rice – he had an instant to react, not a… Read more »
@ elissa “I feel Ray understood the threat; he goaded her when they entered the elevator, and knew well enough her capabilities to retaliate. My partner called it a set up sucker punch when he viewed the video.” I never considered that possibility, but my gut reaction is that it doesn’t or rather shouldn’t matter. We keep saying that regardless of the provocation that a woman does, a man shouldn’t respond with violence. If that’s the case, then I’d say the same is true for women and if a woman chooses to respond with violence, a man shouldn’t have to… Read more »
I don’t at all support any form of “regardless of the provocation”. I do expect and support proportional retaliation. I don’t view Ray’s response as proportional. Before having seen the video, my assumption was that she was knocked out in a pushing/shoving match where she ended up banging her head on the way down. Lot of media folks are perplexed at how the inside elevator video made a difference. To me personally, it’s obvious why it makes a difference and that difference is clearly the lack of proportional response in the conflict.
Hope this clarifies a bit.
“paste” that is
You’re right, Charles: patting ourselves on the back for not being one of the bad ones isn’t enough. But this piece still seems to be under the very equivocation that can lead to the “not all men” backlash. You point out that a not-insignificant proportion of domestic violence is against men, and yet your title (or perhaps the editor’s) claims that “domestic violence is a man’s problem”. This blatantly conflates “domestic violence” with “male-perpetrated domestic violence”. Or if it doesn’t, then it conflates “a man”s problem” with “everyone’s problem”. Yes, it would be disproportionate and petty to threaten to pick… Read more »
Why do posts on GMP periodically refresh themselves, erasing the comment I just spent twenty minutes or so composing before I got a chance to post it?
Daren, what I’ve done in the past is type the response in word and then copy and past
Domestic violence is not just men assaulting women and perpetuating this myth only supports further violence. Violence is violence whether it is done by a man or a woman. While there is a disproportionate amount of reports of male violence against females, there also exists female violence that is both physical and emotional. Nobody knows the actual amounts because few men make reports. If she hit him first that does not give him any right to hit her – only protective use of force for self – defense is acceptable. At the same time just because someone is a woman… Read more »
Thank you Robin!!! Finally someone who is seeing the entire picture which is VIOLENCE!!
She hit him first. Why are people ignoring this?
Are you trying to imply that hitting his fiancee back hard enough to render her unconscious for several minutes is an appropriate response?
I personally did not see Janay strike him-it looked like she was lunging at him to me-but I only had the tolerance to watch that security tape once.
Because it is framed as her being the victim solely, when both are victims, and both are perpetrators. He went a lot further and used more force, and none of the violence was justified on either side. It’s in the extended video that shows outside the elevator first. Allegedly Rihanna too also hit Chris Brown, barely anyone talked about it. Yes what both of these guys did was far worse but it’s annoying to see the women’s violence get shrugged off. If you hit someone, there is a chance you will be hit back and that person may hit a… Read more »
Archy: Yes, if you hit someone there IS a chance you will be hit back. But that applies to people of the same gender. There’s a reason most men will never hit a woman, even if she’s being violent, and that’s because men are a lot stronger and can do serious damage. It’s not okay for these women to be hitting men, but it probably wasn’t mentioned because there wasn’t an obvious abuse of power.
@ Zod “It’s not okay for these women to be hitting men, but it probably wasn’t mentioned because there wasn’t an obvious abuse of power.” So you’re saying that hitting someone in anger isn’t abuse as long as it doesn’t injure them severely? It certainly is abuse and abusive. I think the reason it’s not mentioned is that men are expected to man up and just take it. A think men are told to have the full range of emotions unless one of those is fear of the attack of a woman. In other words. It’s not mentioned because he… Read more »
Archy: I didn’t say it wasn’t abuse. It definitely IS abuse. I said it wasn’t an abuse of power. She has no physical power over him, but he has lots of physical power over her. This is why what he did is worse. This is assuming she even hit him, which I can’t quite see despite watching that video multiple times. “It’s far different to a victim who has never hit their partner, and gets belted up.” That sounds like you’re doing what a few others are doing here–trying to imply that abusive men like Ray are just defending themselves,… Read more »
That is a key point in all of this Archie. His escalation of violence does not at all match the confrontation. I am not one of those that believe in zero tolerance, meaning that a shove is not the same as a slap, which is not the same as a close fisted punch. I know the domestic violence industry has morphed into an incredibly simplistic model of human behavior understanding, and that most domestic violence is not based on an environment where a terrorist is living in the midst, but rather an environment where stress, lack of impulse control, learned… Read more »
Joe White, beautifully said.
Elissa, had JayZ (Author of many degrading songs toward women) had punched Beyonce’s sister, he would have been EQUALLY wrong in the situation as her sister was. Saying “too bad” in the face of any violence is a sure way to make sure we all come out losers for it. The old eye-for-an-eye doesn’t actually teach people anything. But what JayZ did, his composure and choice to not fight back, is very much something that changes the issue for the better.
I don’t think you understood my point. When two people get into a fight, whether verbal, physical or both, and the confrontation remains equal with regards to levels of aggression, I no longer view the interaction as victim/perpetrator – there would be no shelter for me to claim womanhood as a means to avoid full and equal responsibility.
Maybe she didn’t get your point, but I did. You’re trying to say that JayZ/Solange were on an even playing field if he’d chosen to retaliate since she’d clearly acted aggressively. But you’re wrong. While they’d both be in the wrong, his knocking her down “Ray” style would have gone too far. They aren’t equal because he’s far stronger than she is, and such a knock down is too much force.
No. In the JayZ video, she was lashing with full steam and it was sheer luck that he did not get kicked in the groin, scratched severely across the face, poked in the eye or what have you – all which would have been qualitatively similar to the punch thrown by Ray. Equal playing field does not mean equal starting position, as you seem to want to imply, but rather, a Tit for Tat approach that lets the other person know there are consequences to their aggression and that they will be measured as like for like. The fact that… Read more »
Hi Elissa, I think I understand your point just fine. You appear to think that had JayZ punched Beyonce’s sister, he would be well within his right to do so. You clearly said your feelings would be “too bad so sad”. Which would reflect a cavalier attitude toward the incident. I don’t condone what Beyonce’s sister did. She was in the wrong, He behaved honorably in this case (again, alot of his song lyrics about women are far from honorable). But I wouldn’t condone him punching her in response either. I wouldn’t say “too bad…” about either act of violence… Read more »
It’s just a turn of phrase Erin….no need to focus that much attention on it when the more important point is that when you get into a fight, to not expect equal retaliation is to expect divine intervention, and to not receive it and want the same sympathy as the Ray incident, is to be delusional and out of touch. The desire to banish violence completely is noble and a worthy ideal, that sort of thing is better addressed by listening to John Lennon music. Justice and fairness at the individual level must be pragmatic and recognize the immediate as… Read more »
Elissa, no need to dance around your own beliefs. You pretty much articulated the same exact message of “too bad, so sad”, just in different more complex phrases. You clearly believe that violence deserves more violence. You think JayZ would have been justified in hitting Beyonce’s sister. I don’t. That’s not what “justice” means to me. It’s just that simple. This isn’t a minor point in the argument, this is exactly what the argument is about. Clearly violence is never going to be completely banished. That doesn’t mean you don’t try for it anyway. We have very different ideas around… Read more »
I think the problem Erin that while you would hold such equal standard, a lot of people don’t. Take Kelly Brook for example. It was recently revealed that in the past she punched two of her ex boyfriends. What was the response? She’s been on a tv show or two literally giggling about it. (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2747786/Kelly-Brook-branded-disgusting-giggling-interview-punching-exes-Jason-Statham-Danny-Cipriani.html) This is why the outlook for guys that are hit by women is so gloomy and likely has something to do with why some guys retaliate so violently. Those two ex-boyfriends didn’t hit her back (but if they did THEN it would have become a… Read more »
Clearly people did respond to her negatively Danny. The article you posted clearly outlines the outrage. I would bet, although I can’t confirm, that most of those comments came from other women. And yes, she certainly should have been held responsible for her actions. There are lots of women AND men that are not held accountable for their acts of violence. Everyday both women and men get away with abusing their partner. But I am really upset over your comment in regards to why “some guys retaliate so violently”. Are you justifying why men like Ray Rice knocked their partners… Read more »
Clearly people did respond to her negatively Danny. The article you posted clearly outlines the outrage. I would bet, although I can’t confirm, that most of those comments came from other women. The problem is the difference in response Erin. Im sure some would say something to the effect of “But its not the same level of violence” but even when accounting for that (such as Katherine Becker) the response is still very tame compared to what’s happened here. I’m not saying there was zero outrage but you can see that it played out very differently. And yes, she certainly… Read more »
But you know what Danny? You think we don’t care about violence against men? We don’t really care about it when it’s against women either. We glorify violence against “hot” and “sexy” women in media. We use women’s bodies for all kinds of stories twisted up around sex and violence. No outrage about that. No outrage about how pornography has grown so much more abusive and demeaning especially toward women who have become sponges for men’s sexual, verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Where is the outrage from men regarding the amount of verbal, physical and emotional abuse that’s grown epidemic… Read more »
Danny, there is a distinct difference in how you talked about Kelly Brook vs how you talked about Ray Rice. You focus on the help Ray Rice should have gotten, and with Kelly Brook, you focus on the outrage you want the public to respond to because of her actoins. “If only” he could have been better helped, something like this wouldn’t have happened. “If only” he knew he had a place to go to, he would have made a better choice. Do you feel that same way about Kelly Brook? Why haven’t you articulated that same mind frame about… Read more »
Danny, there is a distinct difference in how you talked about Kelly Brook vs how you talked about Ray Rice. You focus on the help Ray Rice should have gotten, and with Kelly Brook, you focus on the outrage you want the public to respond to because of her actions. “If only” he could have been better helped, something like this wouldn’t have happened. “If only” he knew he had a place to go to, he would have made a better choice. Do you feel that same way about Kelly Brook? Why haven’t you articulated that same mind frame about… Read more »
“Men and women want support from each other when they feel their gender has been wronged. And often, we don’t give the support to each other we need to heel those wounds. Either side! … A disregard for our individual genders. So the cycle continues.” The problem is you’re asking for ‘men’ to be good players for their team, and ‘women’ to be good players for their team; the thing is, there are no teams. Or, more accurately, the teams that there are out there don’t break down by gender. But when one assumes that they do, and further tries… Read more »
Danny: That girl laughing about punching her exes is shameful. I can see why that would irritate you or other men. “This is why the outlook for guys that are hit by women is so gloomy and likely has something to do with why some guys retaliate so violently.” “It’s being treated the same as when Rice’s wife hit him first and when Rihanna hit Brown first.” I’ll tell you what I told Archy: you’re thinking like a non-abuser. You’re seem to e assuming these guys just retaliated against abuse because they got tired of the abuse. Because that’s how… Read more »
Danny: That girl laughing about punching her exes is shameful. I can see why that would irritate you or other men. That’s not just shameful and irritating that’s abusive Zod. And it doesn’t help that that is treated like the final word on it. I would like to believe that if my girlfriend abused me I’d get more than just a giggle and someone come along later saying it was shameful. I’ll tell you what I told Archy: you’re thinking like a non-abuser. You’re seem to e assuming these guys just retaliated against abuse because they got tired of the… Read more »
A lot of couples are RECIPROCALLY VIOLENT. It’s not just women = innocent, men = perpetrator. The highest risk of injury I believe the stats show is when a reciprocal fight starts. Not all domestic violence is a one way street. Not all instances of women hitting is due to men being the true abuser n what not.
Archy–
When I spar in karate, I am matched up against someone at my level…if the person is more advanced, then the fight is closely monitored …and then time’s up….and everything stops…we all realize how easily things can over the edge and someone can get really hurt…we all have to control ourselves….
Sensei is a 6th degree black belt….he knows he can level any one in karate class with just one punch or kick…but he doesn’t….he knows if any of us newbie white or green belts throw any punches or kicks at him, he can easily block or deflect them….
Sensei is a 6th degree black belt….he knows he can level any one in karate class with just one punch or kick…but he doesn’t….he knows if any of us newbie white or green belts throw any punches or kicks at him, he can easily block or deflect them…. But in the event that if a white or green belt were to do something like some illegal hit or attack sure sensei could easily deal with it but wouldn’t there be at least some acknowledgement that the white/green belt used an illegal attack? Also there is a big difference between sensei… Read more »
Leia, my cousin, female, knocked out a guy in one hit who was bigger than she was. Women are quite capable of strong attacks.
Domestic violence perpetrated by a male on a female is a problem that all of us men should be aware of and we should be actively trying to foster non-abusive relationships within their family, work and leisure circles. I totally agree male perpetrated domestic violence is driven by a distorted/highly negative/disdainful self image and it absolutely must be eradicated from all areas of our society. I have interviewed countless women (children to adults) who have been abused in their lives and a vast majority have revealed a pattern of allowing or attracting that kind of abuse into their lives over… Read more »