Today’s “Sanguine Story” from Chrissy Gruninger is being shared as a part of The Good Men Project’s Stop Sexism Campaign. I encourage you to search the #ThisIsHowSexismEnds to read articles from other contributors. And please do consider sharing this podcast and blog with your communities as well. And RSVP for our weekly #StopSexism calls here. Listen to this podcast here.
When I saw the call for articles with an option of “write about sexism in other countries,” of course, my hand instantly went up.
You see, moving to a new country means a whole new set of rules and standards. I anticipated needing to make some adjustments based on the Tico culture, but I wasn’t ready for the level of everyday sexism and racism I’d experience while living in Costa Rica, from the men and the women.
As much as I want to respect the country that I now call “home,” when their way of doing things starts to go against my values and morals, it becomes so much more difficult to find a middle ground. And if you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’m always trying to meet people in the middle but I’m also not afraid to speak up.
I can look at the lives of so many people here and understand, okay, this way of life – this is all they know. They are living in survival mode, in Maslow’s first stage of needs.
They literally cannot see life in another way.
The rules and standards, what many of us may think is “normal,” just don’t apply here. I often say it’s a combination of the Wild West, the free love 60’s and the sexism of the 1950’s.
All too often, I find myself feeling like I’m no longer a human being, sharing this beautiful planet with other people. Being seen as “less than” because I’m both white and a woman has been challenging, even heartbreaking at times.
I AM MORE THAN JUST A BODY
But here in Costa Rica, women are not only seen as being less than the men – we are all too often considered to be bodies there for the enjoyment of men (at least, that’s been my experience…again and again…).
I wrote in my book that I’ve been propositioned more times than I care to remember since moving here. And I don’t mean a wink and an offer of a date. I mean, full on indecent exposure of penises I really did not want to see. It’s truly inexplicable.
And all too often, the man is also married which exponentially makes things worse on so many levels. I just look at him like – what do you want me to do with it? I’m also often thinking – I haven’t even washed my hair today and I literally just met you for the first time! Why are you asking me to have sex with you? Oh right, I have blue eyes and a vagina so that’s all that really matters.
Just recently it was more than a penis being shown to me but a man actually masturbating on my neighbor’s property. He knew I was there and that I could see him and hear him. He saw me as an object. Not as a human being. No respect. No recognition. I called 911 but of course, the police never came. I only called to ensure that there would be a record if something did happen or happens in the future. Fortunately (yet also unfortunately), I was at home and so I shut all the doors and curtains and made sure everything was locked up. Of course, having been recently robbed in front of my house and now this, I’m afraid to leave my house.
It’s not just men
When that incident happened, I attempted to politely reach out to the owner of the house next door, an older woman who lives in Canada, asking her to talk with her Tico partner who lives at her house about the behavior of his friends. She never responded to me but before 7 a.m. the next day, the young man was running around my house, screaming at me for contacting “his woman”. Dripping in machismo, fists waving around in the air, his chest puffed up, yelling at me that he’s “the man of the house”. He screamed – I take care of the yard! As if that was some kind of huge accomplishment that I should be impressed by.
He was attempting to make me feel like he was the one who was violated by my reaching out to “his woman”. As I’m always trying to see both sides and walk in other people’s shoes, I can see his concern – if she finds out he’s doing bad things with bad people at her house, he could potentially get kicked out and have no place to live or any money. His basic needs of survival were being threatened.
Of course, if he had done nothing wrong and I was dealing with two mature adults, we could all see that this was a problem that could be resolved together.
I only contacted the owner because she was a woman and I was hoping she would better understand the situation — and my fear – more so than her misogynistic boyfriend. Her lack of response only informed me that she too, was not worth trying to talk to.
Other Everyday Sexism in Costa Rica [+ some of its effects]
In contrast to the one experience of sexism that I remember from my 37 years of living in California (which also happened over 2 decades ago), I have experienced and seen a whole lot more of it living in Costa Rica these last 5 years.
Here are a few examples:
- While mothers are revered here, there is an extraordinary amount of sexual, physical, and mental abuse towards girlfriends, wives, sisters, and daughters. Which no one wants to talk about.
- Of the 13 text messages I received in a 3 month period about missing children from the national police agency, one was a boy. The other 12 girls were mostly between the ages of 12 and 16. One of the girls was 14 years old girl and was reported missing along with her son.
- I had a male friend who was horrified that I would neuter my boy kitten. And just recently my vet held a low cost spay/neuter clinic and had 16 female animals show up and only one male. It is so much more work to spay females and yet trying to convince people that it’s okay to neuter males, that it won’t make them less of a dog or a cat, well, that seems improbable.
- From what I understand, last names in the Latin@ culture normally include both the dad and mom’s names, the dad’s in the first position, and then the mom’s in the secondary position. People often will drop the mom’s last name and only use the dad’s, not giving recognition to the mom. I have a friend here who I’ve known for many years and I still remember the day she chose to add back in her mom’s last name to her Facebook profile. She made a conscious choice to positively change her (and her mom’s) story.
- The Spanish language itself is geared towards only acknowledging the men. If you address a room of 50 women and 1 man, the masculine vocabulary is normally used.
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I have spoken with many adult males here who don’t know how to do laundry or cook or clean. Grown men who have literally never done a load of laundry in their life.
In stores where I live, women are sometimes cashiers but very rarely salespeople. I don’t often see a lot of women working in stores, restaurants, or hotels. Especially at the management level.
After my first burglary, the cop who took the police report started stalking me, calling me at all hours of the night and showing up randomly in my backyard. I suppose he considered me a damsel in distress. Perhaps he should have been more focused on his wife and kids.
The owner of a house that I rented, who was much older than me and married, was always trying to kiss me. Actually telling me to give him a kiss as he leaned in towards my lips. This was never the courteous kiss on the cheek that is common here. This was a full on kiss on the lips while he tried to pull me in closer by either placing his hand on the back of my head or both hands on my hips.
The property manager of another place where I lived propositioned me and, the owner in Texas told me—well, I don’t believe you and he’s better than a lot of others I’ve had in that position. Oh and just days before, his wife had just given birth to a baby boy.
When the men’s fútbol team went to the World Cup, the entire country shut down to watch the games and celebrate in the streets. When the women’s fútbol team went to the World Cup, well, all I heard were crickets.
Sexism in business
Beyond just the day to day, the other challenge I faced when I owned a company here and worked as an independent contractor was being a white woman working in a machismo male dominated land. That was a double whammy of racism and sexism. The men would talk over me, tell me I was wrong (when I was indeed right), tell me that it was my mistake when it was theirs, not listen to any of the suggestions or changes I presented and the icing on the cake–I was actually told that I couldn’t tell the men when they were wrong because “it made them feel bad.”
So yes, you could say that I’ve experienced some sexism in Costa Rica, more so than in California.
HOW TO STOP SEXISM
It’s a weird place to be in, to try to understand the perspective of others while maintaining my own sense of values and standards. I believe in progress and innovation but that’s so difficult to achieve when you’re in a country that does not model or teach those same principles.
Yet, if we can’t open our eyes to new ways of living, how will we ever progress as both individuals and collectively for the benefit of all? How can we live in the 21st century – how can we learn that we are so much better together, that we can learn so much from each other, both men and women, together.
Here are five ways to stop sexism:
- If you’re a woman and feel disempowered, remember that you are not defined by how society says you should be but rather who you want to be. Throw out the status quo and know that there is another way. It might not be an easy road but it will be worth it – for you and for all who come after you.
- As women, in general, we need to start lifting each other up, honoring each other and supporting one another, especially when we ask for help. We also need to act as role models and celebrate other people’s success.
- If you’re a man, acknowledge that it’s not just your mom who should be revered but ALL women. That includes your daughters, sisters, girlfriends, wives and women who you meet in a store, on the street, on a bus, wherever. Treat them the way you treat your mother (which is hopefully with respect, kindness and love). And honestly, just treat everyone that way, women or men.
- We ALL must be more mindful and aware of how we’re showing up in the everyday as well as what is happening around us and out in the world: The language we’re choosing to use, the people, places and events we’re choosing to support.
- Lastly, we ALL have to keep speaking up. Pride and choosing to remain closed-minded gets us nowhere. As does fear, shame or embarrassment. We cannot remain silent on these issues. We cannot close our eyes or look the other way and ignore what is happening. It’s not going to be easy, change is never easy. Initially, when we speak up, it may be uncomfortable, we may not be well liked but it is often the only way the tide will turn and the story will shift. The more we ALL contribute our voice and walk our talk, the louder, and more noticeable we will become.
Together, we have influence.
I will end this Sanguine Story with…
RSVP for the #StopSexism SIG HERE
Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash