What’s wrong with men’s bodies? Too often we’re taught that men are revolting and women are flawless.
Like countless American children, I grew up hearing the nursery rhyme that claimed that little boys were made of “snips and snails and puppy-dog tails” while girls were “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Attached as I was as a small boy to our pet dachshund, I thought puppy-dog tails were a fine thing indeed, but the point of the rhyme wasn’t lost on me. Boys were dirty, girls were clean and pure.
We’re raised in a culture that both celebrates and pathologizes male “dirtiness.” On the one hand, boys were and are given license to be louder, rowdier, and aggressive. We’re expected to get our hands dirty, to rip our pants and get covered in stains. We enjoy a freedom to be dirty that even now, our sisters often do not. No mistake, that’s male privilege.
But growing up with the right to be dirty goes hand-in-hand with the realization that many people find the male body repulsive. In sixth grade, the same year that puberty hit me with irrevocable force, I had an art teacher, Mr. Blake. (This dates me: few public middle schools have art teachers anymore.) I’ll never forget his solemn declaration that great artists all acknowledged that the female form was more beautiful than the male. He made a passing crack that “no one wants to see naked men, anyway”—and the whole class laughed. “Ewwww,” a girl sitting next to me said, evidently disgusted at the thought of a naked boy.
In time, I discovered that Mr. Blake was wrong about this so-called artistic consensus. But it took me a lot longer to unlearn the damage done by remarks like his and by the conventional wisdom of my childhood. I came into puberty convinced both that my male body was repulsive and that the girls for whom I longed were flawless. (I still remember how floored I was at 16, when the lovely classmate on whom I had a crush farted while I was sitting next to her in German class. I had sincerely believed until that moment that women didn’t pass gas.)
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A year later, in my first sexual relationship, I was convinced that my girlfriend found my body physically repellent. I could accept that girls liked and wanted sex, but I figured that what my girlfriend liked was how I made her feel in spite of how my body must have appeared to her. Though I trusted that she loved me, the idea that she—or any other woman—could want this sweaty, smelly, fumbling flesh was still unthinkable.
Not long after that first relationship broke up, I had a series of fleeting sexual encounters with both men and women. I knew I wasn’t gay, but I was bi-curious. I was never as sexually attracted to my male partners as I was to women—but I was powerfully attracted to their attraction to me.
I remember one night when I was still in high school that I had sex with a much older man. He was maybe 40, and I couldn’t get enough of the way he looked at me. I felt a rush of elation and relief so great it made me cry. The sex I had with him was not based on my desire for him; rather, I wanted to make him feel good out of my own colossal gratitude for how he had made me feel with his words and his gaze. As we lay on a motel bed, this man ran his fingers across every inch of my body, murmuring flattery of the kind I had never heard from a woman’s lips.
“You’re so hot, you make me want to come.”
I was floored. How different those words were from my ex-girlfriend’s “Hugo, you make me feel so good.” While she had praised my technique, this stranger praised my body’s desirability. And I realized how hungry I was for exactly that kind of affirmation. I needed something to counter that old certainty that my male body was disgusting.
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I don’t want to suggest that straight women don’t lust, and that only gay or bi men are vocal about their strong sexual craving for male bodies. In time, I’d meet women who were more confident about expressing desire, and discover that it wasn’t only from men that I could get that kind of validation. I came to see that our cultural myths about desire hurt everyone. We shame women for wanting, and we shame men for wanting to be wanted. We still have too many Mr. Blakes out there, giving that same destructive message that no one wants (or should want) the dirty, disgusting male body.
Though our culture often teaches women that their bodies are also dirty (particularly because of menstruation), we also make it clear that men “naturally” crave and desire them. That creates a huge problem for women who have to navigate their way through a world that teaches them that their bodies have great power over men. By teaching women to focus on managing male desire, women are taught to ignore or suppress their own desires. That’s a loss for women, and it’s a loss for men.
So many straight men have no experience of being wanted. So many straight men have no experience of sensing a gaze of outright longing. Even many men who are wise in the world and in relationships, who know that their wives or girlfriends love them, do not know what it is to be admired for their bodies and their looks. They may know what it is to be relied upon, they may know what it is to bring another to ecstasy with their touch, but they don’t know what it is to be found not only aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but worthy of longing.
The very real hurt and rage that men often feel as a result of having no sense of their own attractiveness has very real and destructive consequences. It’s not women’s problem to solve; it’s not as if it’s women’s job to start stroking yet another aspect of the male ego.
The answer lies in creating a new vocabulary for desire, in empowering women as well as men to gaze, and in expanding our own sense of what is good and beautiful, aesthetically and erotically pleasing. That’s hard stuff, but it’s worth the effort. I know what it is to believe myself repulsive, and what it was to hear that not only was I wanted, but that I was desirable for how I appeared as well as how I acted. That was precious indeed, and far too few men have known it.
—Photo by Jurvetson/Flickr
I don’t have much to say, but I did want to express my thanks for writing this article. It’s something I needed to hear.
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve always refrained from offering up too many compliments to a man on his body because I’ve always (obviously incorrectly) thought that they’d rather be complimented on their mind or admired for their success, etc. I just didn’t think it was important – but I will be changing my ways for sure! I’ve ALWAYS enjoyed looking at men’s bodies in all shapes and sizes! I think men are extremely sensual. I am a straight woman, but oddly enough, I’ve even been criticized by both men and women for not feeling attracted to women.… Read more »
I often tell guys I’ve had feelings for (and some I haven’t) if I find them attractive just how hot they are. I didn’t know not all women did this, but obviously everyone is different – it just comes naturally to me. If I didn’t find men attractive I’d be a lesbian, and I’d tell women how hot they are (as it is I’m bi so both can be hot to me!). I actually sometimes have had the opposite where some men haven’t told me, or haven’t told me enough, and it makes me feel very ugly and unwanted. So… Read more »
Common clichés have it that women are just too busy running away from men’s sexual demands to have any of their own. We are surrounded by mass and social media who delights in sharing sordid stories of rape and exploitation. Is it possible to have any desire for something you’re grown to be afraid of? Another thing: while it is considered homophobic to insinuate that male homosexuality is the result of a bad influence with women, it is perfectly accepted and widespread, even in respected, progressive circles, to believe that lesbianism can come from a bad or violent experience with… Read more »
In humans, the female is clearly better looking than the male. NOT just in a sexual way, but in an aesthetic way too. In most bird species with visually obvious sexual dimorphism, it is the male who is the prettier sex. Male birds show off how pretty they are to impress the female bird, who chooses the best looking male for mating. With people, women show off their beauty to attract the men and then take their pick among male suitors. If a man is highly desirable, women will approach him and try to be prettier and sexier than each… Read more »
Big A–You have absolutely no right to body shame men. Your belief is based on personal bias and some strange comparison with birds.
Body shaming is not acceptable! Bigot!
And your belief about women parading around for men is shameful! It is hugely slut shaming and misogynistic.
The fact that straight women can find other women attractive and men don’t find other men attractive (and I know this as a straight male, as I don’t view other men as beautiful or attractive and as an artist, I paint women instead) speaks volumes. The Big A is right and rather than speaking against his points, you accuse him of being a bigot. A bigot against what? His own gender? “And your belief about women parading around for men is shameful!” But true. Or have you been hiding under a rock in western society for the past fifty years?… Read more »
“And many of the Greek artists who carved those statues were gay.” The only thing I disagree on with with The Big A. Most of the statues we see today of Greek figures are actually from the Renaissance era, sculptured mainly by Italian and French artists and there were reasons for this, on religious grounds, Nudity of the male was okay but nudity of the female wasn’t as accepted at the time. The Greek artists (who made the art on pottery and vases that have survived to this day) were probably most likely straight (at least most of them) simply… Read more »
You’re making a dumb mistake assuming your culture warped and specific male mind represents all in this. Same mistake as the women who feel no lust make when saying men aren’t attractive. I find men’s bodies to be way more aesthetically beautiful, an artful carving. Girls flabbiness makes me laugh a bit, but in the end I’m straight so I’m sexually attracted to women. Whether theyre more beautiful our not. People like you so blinded by your instinct are funny, but stop hurting the world with your ignorance, please.
You are stupid. Women do NOT find other women’s body attractive. You know nothing of what women want. You’re going off what you think. Some straight men do find other men’s body attractive. Sexuality is on a scale so those women who like other women’s body aren’t fully straight.
Well, I’m a straight man and I find I can appreciate the beauty of good looking men, so there goes your theory. Most guys are told they’re gay by girls and their guy friends if they admit such things.
Ha! 😛 Straight males in my Country aren’t afraid at all to say how much other men are sexy and how their bodies are attractive. Okay, we are also not conditioned to think and see things the same way the boy of the comment do, so that explains a lot. I think the male body is the most gorgeous thing on Earth. Their skin and muscles are what I think about the most around the day, haha. Of course, my sexual orientation is totally playing a big role here. But at least that is my opinion and I do not… Read more »
In humans, I think the male is clearly better looking than the female. NOT just in a sexual way, but in an aesthetic way too. I am a woman who doesn’t enjoy seeing other women naked because women’s bodies just aren’t nearly as aesthetically pleasing as men’s bodies. And the biggest reason why the female body is depicted in art from around the world as beautiful rather than the male body is because straight men have always dominated the world. Still today, even straight or gay men can be conditioned enough to believe women are more appealing, go figure. “And… Read more »
Someone please explain what an opinion is? I actually feel that women are prettier/sexier to me, but that’s just MY opinion. As an artist, In terms of beauty… If I thought a painting was beautiful it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with it. I think a perfected female form is just as beautiful as a perfected male form. We just aren’t blasted with the male form sexually in society the way we are the female form. The male form is disrespected n media, but more specifically in a violently acceptable way. I also feel women feel a loss… Read more »
Wait, so you frame this as women wanting to keep their power and if so not an effect of a patriarchal point of view of straight men purely consuming women bodies with view and thoughts undisturbed by even the idea women have a desire and enjoying having a beauty women can enjoy too.
I totally agree with this post… on my way trying to paint male beauty I realized there are so few women photographing or painting men… a picture taken by a guy of male body is far from what a girl wants to see… there are so few female artists in the world working on this topic.. (or maybe I didn`t do a good search) And then, a question poped up in my mind? why on earth we, girls were not teached about this male beauty? why on earth we were told that we must be aware of those men gazing… Read more »
Harassment can never not be taken seriously. I hope females, or males, never harrass each other. Objectification is relative – thinking someone is beautiful and admiring them is not the same as treating them with no respect – that is objectification, thinking people are only their bodies, that their bodies were made for you and that it needs to fit the norms. Acknowledging human beauty is not the same as treating humans as only a body, and a body that is meant to satisfy the other people’s narcissistic expectations. But all in all, yes, when the male body finally reach… Read more »
What, why are you validating incels arguments? It’s creepy to see this argument from 9 years ago. Why would you only want the “top” it’s very impractical as they are a few. By sharing? by objectifying yourself like incels accuse you of doing?
Sorry my bad, you meant ” they will believe women only want the top beauty, that will be the only type of guys being displayed, the same thing that happens with females right now.”
Much better it’s that I’m obsessed by this mythical hypergamous woman they created in their nightmares, yeah I’m sure they exist, just like terrible men exist.
But I guess they may feel disoriented as they feel at least feminism combats them with body positivity which is still focused on men, but objectification is always bad. But at least now we can use makeup 😀
I completely agree with this article. My fiance has a lot of body image issues and it seemed like no matter what I’ve told him, how I’ve looked at him, or behaved towards him, he couldn’t accept that I found his body to be attractive and desirable. He’s by no means over his issues, but I’m chipping away at it and eventually I hope that he will believe me.
I really hope mothers don’t tell their sons that male body is ugly. My mother told me this and its really hurt my self esteem back then and it carves in my brain that my bodies are ugly, to anyone . If a woman find men bodies ugly and disgusting, then be it, its her taste and choice, but at least don’t tell their sons about it.
I grew up with a step mom who always said boys were gross and disgusting. Even when my step sister was frumpy or left plates of food rotting in her bedroom, she was pretty and clean and I was gross and disgusting. I, to this day, have major body image issues. I have gone through eating disorders, diets since I was 9 years old. I cannot even be naked when I am alone. With my wife the 30 seconds after getting naked and before something sexual occurs are the most terrifying 30 seconds of my life. We have been married… Read more »
Madeira The difference is that the only men you women can sexualize, objectify and lust after are the ones who have the face of Adonis and the bodies of a Greek god. The threshold of physical attractiveness required by women is so high that most men fall below it. The difference is that although the female body is attractive, appealing, irresistible, tempting and delicious to men BY DEFAULT; an appealing male body deemed desirable by women, is an EXCEPTION rather than a rule. Meanwhile, we men find the looks and bodies of the average women appealing and arousing as well.… Read more »
I don’t agree. What guys need is hygiene and more attention to their looks. Obviously, if you have a beer belly or have tons of dirt under your long finger nails, girls may not find you beutiful. What guys need to do more, is to look out for their hygiene and looks. Not many care, beyond the absolute necessity. Most women, on the other hand, put a lot of their time into taking care of their looks and hygiene. Beyond than, a girl’s ideal man is a subject of preference. Some like skinny, pale guys, and some love to cuddle… Read more »
Exactly, my husband is a skinny, effeminate fella with razor blade cheekbones. Some chicks dig chubby dudes, some like em muscular, personally I like my men like I like my lattes, skinny and extremely effeminate The idea that there’s a monolithic program for attraction in humans is down right silly, most people marry and reproduce because well, we do find each other attractive, there’s a lid for every pot and personally, channing tatum turns me off profoundly.
Nah that’s very wrong. I know guys that are way more hygienic then some girls. This dumb generalizing has to stop. Men and women are equally beautiful and ugly depending on who is looking, and women’s brains on average don’t give them near the visual sexual kick that men’s minds do, beauty aside. That’s it, the end
That is true, a lot of guys are really hygienic, some girl are not that much. But still, a lot of guys do only the extreme basic, while most girls go a longer way – and most shave their bodies, apply lotion, diet, wear more attractive and revealing clothes (have you seen lace lingerie for men?), etc. That all counts a lot. I know that is cultural, though. Men need to free themselves of these boundaries, and if women could help, even better. And that is also true, what is beautiful is always relative, even thought there might be some… Read more »
Alec, the mental kick you’re referring to has to do with social conditioning. Most people develop their sexuality when they are very young. Probably around the age we all hear from our teachers and parents that boys are gross.
Sorry, but I would never believe most men find the default female body that attractive. The default female body is hairy and chubby – the reality is that women’s healthy bodies were designed to be like that. Most don’t have that much of a pretty face without makeup. Most have messy eyebrows and mustaches. Some have really small breasts, funny butts and a prominent stomach. That is definitely not the beauty standard we see men enjoying and asking for. Sorry, but it’s not. If men like the “default” female body is because women work too hard for their bodies to… Read more »
I agree with julie. We think this way because we live in the internet and television. There are plenty of women I do not find attractive. But hey, just my personal taste. It amazes me people forget what an opinion is.
As a woman, yes THIS. I’ve noticed how it floors men to be told they’re beautiful, to have poetry written about them/for them, to have me want to photograph them, draw them (I do all of these things). Men’s bodies are SO beautiful, I’m bisexual, but aesthetically for me? Men win hands down, show me a pretty rocker boy with long hair, eyeliner and skin tight jeans and I melt. I remember how strange it felt to have a heavy metal guy look at me with pure gratitude when I told him he was beautiful, told him his glossy mane… Read more »
I wish my wife thought like you. I married my best friend, and wouldn’t change it for the world, but my wife is nearly asexual, as I find a lot of American women are. They are so boring, but I still love them. I saw a statistic recently that most women in America watch lesbian porn, even “straight” women. I mean, why would I want to date that? I’m entirely convinced it’s how our culture has decided what our opinions should benwhen we are young. The female gaze and body should be wanted, the male gaze and body is gross.… Read more »
I also very much enjoy looking at a naked man.
I wonder if this is linked to the “Adonis syndrome” or if negative male body image is shifting to the other extreme. (Adonis — I don’t know if that is the real term — syndrome is a body dis-morphia linked to the pursuit of Adonis like physique)
( women don’t necessarily have the better deal though, having society think you are supposed to be perfect, what happens when they find out, whoops, you’re actually human. That girl in German would have been crucified in the company of some)
Hugo, it means what you are not willing to understand.
That women are much more selective and shallow and find very few men physically desirable at all.
It mean that us men are much more forgiving to women on their looks and bodies.
Hope that realization dawns upon you someday.
That is a very misogynist thing to say. If you have been rejected by women in the past (which I am guessing is the reason why you are so aggressive) maybe it’s because they sense your hate for them. Also, are you really that jaded? It is hard to take someone with such aggressive points of view seriously There are definitely women who are shallow, there are also men who are shallow — moral of the story? Some people are shallow, some. They are not mostly women, they are not mostly men. Most of the women, very beautiful women, I… Read more »
Nope, that means the truth: most straight dues do not take care of themselves. Most are hairy, flabby and won’t even mind trimming their eyebrows for god’s sake! Don’t know how to dress, have boring haircuts/styles that don’t match their faces. Don’t take care of their nails and skin. Even their hygiene is worse.
Now most women shave their bodies and their mustaches, trim and pluck their eyebrows, style their hair, wear cute clothes, diet, apply make-up, follow a skin care routine, etc. And men take that for granted.
Women only find the bodies of very hot perfect looking men, desirable and pleasing to look at.
Men can easily appreciate the AVERAGE LOOKING womans body and find it sexually appealing.
The bodies of AVERAGE LOOKING MEN do nothing for women.
Surveys reveal that women find more than 80% of men totally unattractive. Wow. Talk about high standards and shallowness.
I have this hypothesis that women are biologically attracted to body of fit males ( that show strength and fertility ) but nowadays fit males are very rare in society, because we men are not behave like we used to do in the past. Imagine like this, thousand years ago, its men job to go hunt, running everywhere chasing animals, and protect their families. Its like we were all athletes and i assumed 80% of men in that era have fit bodies, with sculpted muscles with six pack abs and no beer bellies. At that time, maybe women found average… Read more »
Well, as always, I assume there are all kinds of people. I guess there are (het) women who are attracted and aroused by hot good-looking men in general. There are women who are aroused and attracted specifically by their partner’s body. There are women who are attracted by their partner’s body, but not especially aroused by the look of it. And there are women who are neither aroused nor attracted to it. And in my 40+ years of experience, women as a group tend to skew towards the lower part of that description, more than men as a group does.… Read more »
“And in my 40+ years of experience, women as a group tend to skew towards the lower part of that description, more than men as a group does.”
…and lord! is this fact the bane of our collective existence. What I wouldn’t give to live in a world where straight women were more like gay men!
That would be a world with no more slut shaming, madonna/whore complexes and attacking women only because they are desiring someone! Women would love that world as well!
Yah… There is a tiny bit of truth to this post, in respect to the way that the male body is presented as comical. However, I think that the author has insufficient experience with women. Women do not crave beauty in a man. Beauty is their domain and it isn’t a turn on. What a women craves is manliness. Men cannot understand the concept of manliness and so they project the idea that men are not beautiful without understand a woman’s attraction to manly features and manly ways. Looking like and being a man is sexy to a woman. She… Read more »
And since when did you become the advocate for women? Lol, as far as I know my tastes aren’t manly men as you say. Women, just like men, have their own prefences. There isn’t set rules for what women should like.
Men cannot understand the concept of manliness
But women can…?
IME, The bottom line of “manliness” as attraction in a woman’s eye transforms to a man displaying the independency that he won’t take no shit from noone.
Then, he turns into an arrogant bastard when she discovers he won’t do as she says either…
HAHAHAHAHAHHA, have you even met women? Dude, Brett Michaels was a heart throb, Bowie was a heart throb, Justin BIeber is a heart throb. Russell Brand makes countless women ruin countless pairs of panties, of course if you only see “beauty” as a female thing, if you believe masculinity is never art, you’re utterly mistaken.
Yes, what Madeira said.
Here in Korea, it is Jaejoong… he is manly, beautiful, masculine, androgynous, sexy, a piece of art… all of that. Or not, if you don’t consider him being any of this, everyone has different tastes. But he is considered the most handsome/beautiful/sexy man in Korea, and most girls and women would agree. Oh, most men will agree as well. You see, beauty standards chance from decade to decade, Country to Country…
i’m a guy….. the idea that if i’m married my wife dont find my body sexually attractive and imagine another women bodies really makes me sad…… i thought that all women are like that, they find women bodies more attractive, they just like men personality wise………its really make me sad that sometimes i want to have sex with gay men……i’m not gay, i just want to feel desired physically, and i thought that only possible with gay men……….this articles and the comments make by women really put the weight off my shoulders…….because i like women, i desired them, physically and… Read more »
You mean they took the weight off your shoulders? As they said they like men.
One fact worth considering: men are very visual when it comes to their sexual needs, while women are “in their heads”, so to speak. Having said that, men are sadly mistaken if they think women don’t look at them. We’re just more subtle. 😉
Visuality is in our heads. So yes, that is the same. How the genders express it can be different, though.
Unless you are talking about the places where women and menexpress it the same, as in many countries, or societies where the bodies of both males and females are not considered sensual, as in so many places in Africa and so on… but in a lot of the western society, it is expressed diferently, yes. also men are free to be more picky or even rude about female looks, while females feel ashamed of even being desiring someone.
Interesting. Interesting because I don’t think I’ve ever read a single story where mens bodies are portrayed as flawed and womens as flawless. Well, until this story as it goes.
I’ve got news for you. We’re all flawed…….
I wonder if it really IS the same for this younger generation (sorry to bring up your/our age again!) I agree with you wholeheartedly and i think that because our generation really had none of the physical male role models that the youth have today may go a long way as to why we feel this way. The young straight guys in my gym work hard on their bodies and all get appreciation by their peers (male and female) and they are also surrounded by images that objectify both men and women ( I’m not saying this is a good… Read more »
I’ll take everyone’s word on the issue of male attractiveness. For me personally, it’s a green light, red light issue. Women green, men red…so I hope I don’t add to male insecurity with my own likes or dislikes.
Beautiful goddammit, beautiful all the way. And sexy. I get so tired of people either implying or flat out telling me that men can’t be beautiful or anything lust-worthy. How very wrong they are.
I think most societal conventions and attitudes (and especially these regarding sexuality) developed out of thousands of years of a PATRIARCHAL culture. I assume most straight men would be more interested in the female body than the male body. That said, I think it’s sad to brainwash generations into believing that the male body is ugly, while the female body is put on a pedestal. This makes men insecure, and insecure in an area where they biologically have a higher drive than women; and it diminishes women to their outer appearance. Ironically, one might posit that it would be of… Read more »
Agree, the funny thing is i always hate from my younger days when hearing women saying they dont care about appearance of men, they only care about personality ( and its always confidence and humour ). Its not because i have no confidence and i have no sense of humour, but its because seems to me the transaction of love between men and women is not equal. I care about women looks, just as much i care about women personality. I love how my woman looks, her bodies, just as much as i love her personality. And it is exactly… Read more »
Women do care about their man’s personality the most. You should feel happy about it – humans are much more their personality than their bodies, and women see men as full humans.
I literally felt a weight of anger be lifted free and out of my stomach as I read this. I’ve been longing to hear this opinion for so long! I was so afraid I was only being silly by thinking this and would be laughed at if I tried to be vocal about it! I don’t want to repulse anyone, but I’ve been fascinated with boys all my life, sexually, psychologically, and artistically – they’re almost all I think about. My friends laugh at me for this – they think I’m trying to be funny whenever I talk about boys… Read more »
Wow. I’m so glad I found this article. Both the article and the comments gave voice to a struggle I have been facing as a male for my entire life, and have only just recently been able to understand and articulate it. It’s not even so much that I want to be “lusted” after, although I do want to be desirable to women. It’s really that I don’t want to be seen as physically INFERIOR to the female body. I don’t want to be seen as “less than” for having a male physique. I’m discovering how beautiful my body is–… Read more »
The male body is in no way repulsive. I think it can be beautiful if he takes care of himself, but I mean in the same sense as a lovely painting which you have the desire to view and go “Ahh so pretty!” The male body does nothing for me sexually and neither does the female body. Maybe because I”m more of a face person. When I’m drawn to a person its usually something about their eyes, smile or personality that makes me want to know them. I also find overly muscled men to be a bit scary looking.