You thought diamonds were a girl’s best friend? Enter the GBF.
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Today I was in the nail salon getting my weekly manicure and in walked a woman and a man who were clearly “together” and seemed to share a closeness between them. It was obvious, though, that they weren’t married, at least not to each other. Despite the gold band circling the third finger of the man’s left hand denoting his marital status, I could tell from their vibe that she wasn’t his other half. Still, there was an overt intimacy between them similar to that of married couples, and as I watched these two get their side-by-side pedicures, I soon noticed the telltale signs that he was gay and they were BFs. He leaned in close to talk to her and she smiled back at him with sparkly eyes. They stole glances at each other and shared conspiratorial giggles. They looked identical to a couple early in their relationship, but I knew otherwise. I knew otherwise, because there was no sexual energy between them. And I knew otherwise because I, too have a gay best friend, or GBF.
Apparently, the GBF has become something of a chic accessory these days, akin to a colorful Hermès scarf or a designer iPhone case. Teen Vogue called GBFs the hottest fashion accessory of 2010. But for some women, the relationship with a GBF can become complicated and limiting. There have been countless references to “fag hags”—those women who become consumed with their gay male friends to the detriment of their own romantic life. They easily become enchanted by the lure of attention and the intense emotional intimacy that is often missing with the men they date. But, of course, all those gay besties are still going out looking for other men to have sex with. Self-described fag hags often confuse their relationships with their gay pals and begin to fall in love, romantically. And, as much as their gay male friends might adore them, that kind of love will never be reciprocated.
All those gay besties are still going out looking for other men to have sex with.
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Recently, I read a scathing satire on the plight of young women who “consort” with gay men. And it hit home. Let’s face it ladies, just because they’re gay doesn’t mean we don’t still find them attractive! The only problem is that those cute gay boys are not looking back at us and thinking the same lustful thoughts. Spend enough time hanging with the boys and, soon, you’ll be completely disconnected from the world of heterosexual men. In reality, women who take this course (and with the bleak dating scene, more and more are cropping up every day) really do risk getting lost in the appeal of the gay male culture and possibly missing the boat of finding a partner of their own.
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Fortunately for both women and men, not all gay/straight relationships have that same frustrating dynamic. In fact, Atlanta therapist John R. Ballew is quoted in a wonderful article on the power of relationships between gay men and straight women, in which he explains that, “from the perspective of gay men, women offer intimate friendship that is generally free from the complications of sexual interest. For straight women, gay men offer male friendship that’s free from game playing. Women can relax and be themselves with gay men in a way that’s usually not possible with hetero men.” The truth is, there is a real phenomenon between some gay men and some straight women that is unlike any other relationship. It allows for a level of emotional intimacy that often becomes harder to maintain once sex enters the picture. We all saw that played out on television with “Will & Grace.”
For me, having a GBF follows more along that mutually beneficial dynamic. My guy and I are way past the days of bars and dating, and we’re both married with families. Our relationship is not centered on shopping and cocktails (well, maybe cocktails, but we’re usually done well before our younger counterparts are leaving their apartments to start partying). Our relationship also has different boundaries that may not be understandable to others but make perfect sense to us. My GBF plays a critical role in my life – fitting somewhere between friend, brother, spouse, and separated-at-birth twin. And I know I fill holes, er, gaps in his life, too. We have a language all our own and a connection that unites us.
My GBF plays a critical role in my life – fitting somewhere between friend, brother, spouse, and separated-at-birth twin.
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Bottom line, the unique relationship that can exist between a gay man and his straight female friend is one I believe should be treasured and nurtured. My GBF is the most important person in my life next to my husband and my kids. Our relationship is a marriage of sorts, and we tend to it as we do with our respective spouses. And, both our husbands understand and appreciate the unique role we play in each other’s lives. Our “special relationship” reminds me of a quote a friend of mine wrote on his blog a while back: “Blessings come in the form of people.” I have been blessed with many spectacular people in my life—both men and women—and my life is better because of those with whom I share it. And no matter how rough the road is, some people, particularly my GBF, make my life extraordinary.
Photo—Wikimedia Commons
Loved this Tammy!