Yashar Ali wonders why the pressure to drink alcohol extends way beyond adolescence.
I don’t like to drink. I don’t like the taste of alcohol. And, outside of a handful of memorable, drinking stories that my friends and I repeatedly share with each other, I don’t get drunk and I don’t like to get drunk. I also don’t like the loss of time that comes with a hangover and the loss of control that comes with drinking.
And it’s not because I have a drinking problem. I never have. I just don’t like drinking alcohol, it’s simply not part of my life.
Even though I am in my early 30s, I still face this incredible pressure–peer pressure–to drink. I am talking about the kind of pressure we’re reminded of when we think of teenagers, college students, or those in their early twenties, and how our friends, during this phase of our lives, were pushing us to drink.
Although we often think peer pressure in drinking is tied to a younger more footloose group, to twenty-somethings who are still finding themselves, I’ve discovered through my own experience and through learning about the experiences of my readers, that age and professional status really plays no role in whether someone will pressure or be pressured. Men and women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s are doing the pressuring.
It seems to me that social pressure to drink is more a cultural issue than an age issue.
I even have friends who claim they could never be in relationship with a person who doesn’t drink. Because that’s what every solid relationship is built on: consumption of alcohol.
In (Western) adult social culture, alcohol is a primary and important component of being part of a group, where people who are not interested in alcohol or dislike the taste, are subject to pressure to drink. They, in turn, are forced to find or create what are deemed “legitimate reasons” for not joining in with the drinking. Failure to drink creates a barrier between the drinkers and those people, who, for various reasons, choose not to drink alcohol.
Why are we judging and pressuring people who don’t drink? And why do we make them justify or explain their reasons for refusing alcohol?
Alcohol (and drinking) is a part of the wide range of social pressures in our culture, and it’s part of the fabric of many people’s lives. However, it’s not an insignificant thing to ask and pressure someone else to drink.
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I get that alcohol helps people loosen up in social settings, but it creates a barrier between people who choose to drink and people who don’t. And this barrier sets the tone for who talks to and who hangs out with whom. It’s as if alcohol is the social glue that keeps us together ,and if we don’t have it and are faced with some people who drink and some people who don’t, things seem to get off-balance and uncomfortable.
The idea of someone who doesn’t drink is so foreign to some people that we sometimes falsely assume that the person who is not drinking has a past of alcohol abuse or we force these non-drinkers to constantly explain themselves.
Mindy, a reader from Chicago in her early 30s, often deals with new friends or colleagues who assume she was an alcoholic or member of A.A. because she chooses not to drink.
So when it comes to socializing, do we only have two categories for people: sober alcoholic or drinker? There are so many people that fall in between these two categories; they’re not really sober, but they’re also not active drinkers.
A friend of mine who works in corporate advertising commented on the pressure she feels when ordering a glass of water or lemonade at a restaurant with colleagues and everyone else is ordering wine or a cocktail: “I’m made to feel like I’m not an adult.”
Susie, a 38 year-old paralegal found herself being excluded from activities at work, because she barely drank.
“You won’t want to come out tonight because you don’t drink,” she would hear from her co-workers in an almost sympathetic tone. (She would always be included in activities that didn’t include heavy drinking.)
“I can still have a good time without drinking. It’s not like I’m standing there with my arms crossed at a bar, frowning. I just wonder if they feel judged if I am not doing shots with them and that’s why I’m not being included.”
For Susie and other people in her situation, the social interaction between colleagues, the same interaction that often aides people in their careers, is something that is stripped from her. Unless she’s willing to drink to intoxication, people just don’t feel comfortable having her around, and so Susie misses out on one part of professional networking.
My friend Erin, who is in her late 30s, found her second pregnancy to be the saving grace, in terms of alleviating the pressure that comes with drinking: “I find it a relief now that I’m visibly six months pregnant, because I can point to my belly and say, ‘Sorry, I can’t!’”
“It will be a drag when I have to go back to explaining to people, ‘No really, I just don’t like it.’”
Having an excuse, whether it’s an illness or pregnancy, seems to offer a reprieve to those who don’t want to drink. But it still doesn’t doesn’t make sense to me. I understand (but don’t accept) the social pressure to drink during high school and college-age years, but why are adults so obsessed with their friends, family, and colleagues drinking?
And why do there seem to be real, social consequences for people who don’t care to learn the difference between a Chardonnay and a Cabernet?
Originally appeared at The Current Conscience.
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Thank you for writing this!!! I don’t like to drink, either. As a grad student in cell biology, I find alcohol culture a very frustrating part of both university and science life. Most events involve alcohol, and it’s always a part of the evening events at conferences. Sometimes there are no options other than water for non-drinkers. I’ve definitely had someone ask me if I had been an alcoholic in the past, and plenty of other people have wanted to know why I don’t drink. Why should it be any of their business? I went to college on a dry… Read more »
I’ve felt this pressure before in the poetry community that I move in. Nothing too severe.
The funny part is that my life has been… well, kind of crazy. Anyone who’s known me for more than six months has heard some of my truly insane stories re: my activism, and they realize that heroic drinking stories just don’t match up.
I buy it. I’m a professional woman in my 30’s, and I experience social pressure to drink. Having been through all the reasons why I don’t enjoy alcohol and choose not to drink, I’ve found a socially acceptable excuse: my mom is an alcoholic. That’s not the primary reason I choose not to drink, but it does make people quit pressuring me and arguing that I’ll like it if only a try a ___. “I don’t like it” is not considered a good reason, nor is “it interacts with my medications”, and it does put a social barrier up between… Read more »
I don’t buy it. I do drink, never excessively, but there have also been times when I have gone off alcohol. For many years I gave up alcohol for Lent. I would still go off to the pub with friends and colleagues and when asked what I was drinking, my reply was orange juice. Sometimes they would ask “are you sure?” but nobody ever pressured me or made me feel unwelcome, and nobody ever felt that my abstinence was an attack on them. One year Lent coincided with the start of rugby season, and I declined to participate in a… Read more »
I wonder if it’s a similar dynamic to how devout believers react to the presence of an atheist. “What do you mean, you don’t do what me and all my friends do? Are you CRITICIZING us?”
Interesting point. It does seem that for some things, simply not joining in is perceived as an attack on that activity or belief.
I think drinkers that get defensive even if the non-drinker didn’t say anything, have some issues on their own. I see the same thing happening about food: I’m a vegetarian, but I don’t comment other people choices (hey, it’s a free world). When “meat-eaters” get to know I’m vegetarian, they ask about it and I just say “Yes”. Then they usually become all apologetic and somehow uneasy… and I still didn’t say anything. I think they (unconsciously) feel killing a living creature is somehow “wrong” (most of them wouldn’t kill it themselves, after all). Having someone else not doing the… Read more »
Thanks, Ron. That’s what I wanted to say, but I don’t have the credibility. It sure seems that way to me.
People can be made uncomfortable by it because it makes them question their own behaviour, not necessarily consciously and the projecting of the problem lying with the non drinker is a defense mechanism.
That’s my take on it anyway, speaking as an ex polly substance abuser.
Maybe I’m just hanging out with a very weird group of people, but most of the people I spend time with drink alcohol, as do I, but none of them would make a comment if they ordered beer and I ordered a coke. Sometimes I order a drink, sometimes I order a soft drink. I like booze, but I also have a very low tolerance for alcohol (“Cheap Date Syndrome”). Sometimes I just feel like a coke. Hell, sometimes I order one of each. My friends wouldn’t take it as a personal affront or sociopolitical statement or peer pressure either… Read more »
Hi wellokaythen, you make some good points, but you are largely speaking about your group of friends. Friends would already probably know someone’s alcohol preference, so questioning about it would be redundant.
The issues a lot of non-drinkers have arise when they meet new people or encounter people in new situations (for example co-workers in a new social setting). That’s when the questions about not drinking start. And it’s a double standard since the non-drinkers usually don’t ask the drinkers “why are you drinking?”
I can tell the difference, pretty much immediately, between someone who chooses not to drink for personal reasons (which are their own business) and someone who has a problem with alcohol as a concept. People in this latter group may feel as though they are keeping their opinions to themselves, but I’ve been in plenty of situations where I could tell that my decision to drink was being silently frowned upon. I can sympathize with a lot of the points raised in this article (it must be frustrating to be a non-drinker when so many social activities are based solely… Read more »
“People in this latter group may feel as though they are keeping their opinions to themselves, but I’ve been in plenty of situations where I could tell that my decision to drink was being silently frowned upon. I can sympathize with a lot of the points raised in this article (it must be frustrating to be a non-drinker when so many social activities are based solely around drinking) but I think respect should always go both ways.” If you are able to detect their silent contempt and it bothers you, you are free not to associate with such people. And… Read more »
The issue I’ve run into is not so much pressure to drink, but that when I share that I don’t drink, people seem to immediately tense up and get defensive about their own decision to drink. Without my even saying anything except about my own preferences, they assume that I’m judging them and think that I’m “better” than them. Maybe they’ve run into people (like Mark above) who are judgmental / consider themselves better than others for their decision not to drink. I don’t know. But I feel like because I don’t drink, simply because I don’t like the taste… Read more »
Hi Jessica, “Maybe they’ve run into people (like Mark above) who are judgmental / consider themselves better than others for their decision not to drink.” Actually, I was comparing the two versions of myself rather than myself to others, but I didn’t word it properly so I understand how “Mike” took it that way. For example, if there’s a guy who has a reliability rating of 100 while mine is say, 80, if he drinks a little bit & lowers his rating to 90, it’s still better than mine. My point is that he’s not being the best himself that… Read more »
Been there, done that. The most recent was last night. Three times I was asked by three different people why I wasn’t drinking. I have had people demand to see me get drunk. This kind of behavior has been going on for 32 years. I love how it gets turned around and becomes my problem or my issue. Maybe I should go around asking people why they’re drinking. Or maybe I could just assume they’re drinking because they want to. How about this? I won’t ask you any stupid questions, and you don’t ask me any stupid questions. Deal?
Well said!
While I’m not a strict non-drinker, I am a strict non-drinker and driver, which has caused me more stress and social anxiety than direct pressure to drink. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who outright condones drinking and driving, but in practice, nearly everyone I’ve met ignores their education about intoxication and metabolism rates, and figures if they just stop drinking a half hour or so before getting behind the wheel, they’re good to go. Rarely are these people in a heavily intoxicated state, but few people seem to think there’s any danger to driving with a buzz that… Read more »
I agree that there is noticeable peer pressure to consume alcohol in many situations. In settings that include old-school “macho” activities (watching sports, the outdoors, etc), men who don’t drink can be looked upon with suspicion. Something I have observed among my non-drinking friends is that their self-consciousness about abstaining often outweighs any explicit or implicit pressure put on them by others. In a situation where a few drinks are had by others, they will draw attention to the fact that they are not drinking; it’s as if they feel they need to explain themselves, even though they are included… Read more »
I can only speak for myself but when I go out in situations where alcohol is served, I don’t bring it up and I don’t draw attention to the fact. Usually I get the question from my colleagues when I order my non-alcoholic drink because it’s unusual, but my response is polite but minimal, maybe even self-deprecating. I don’t offer to extend the conversation unless they’re curious. I’m perfectly comfortable around alcohol as long as drinking isn’t THE focal point of the social outing and as long as it doesn’t become a distraction, i.e. someone gets sick or aggressive or… Read more »
Alcohol is a carcinogenic poison that restricts oxygen flow to the brain. Under the influence, it can make people aggressive, dangerous, embarrassing, unattractive, and less able to handle unexpected difficulties. After the influence, it can leave people hungover & unproductive. Nutritionally, it is a bunch of empty calories and it dehydrates people. Financially, alcohol is expensive & there are opportunity costs for the time and energy spent drinking and recovering. Objectively, the negatives of alcohol outweigh the positives that are largely limited to giving people a false sense of confidence and possibly some heart benefit to middle aged & older… Read more »
“they’re making a risky decision based on conformity & weakness instead of a sound decision based on logic & individual strength.”
This is a HUGE generalization, and kind of hypocritical considering this article speaks out against people making broad assumptions about non-drinkers. People drink for lots of different reasons, just as people choose not to drink for a wide variety reasons.
Fair enough about the generalization, but most of the wide variety of reasons for drinking are based on a type of weakness. Some weaknesses are more forgivable. We all have a weakness for food, but since it’s a biological imperative, we can’t help it. Drinking alcohol, however, isn’t necessary for survival. So why do it? Why aren’t they good enough without drinking? At the end of a tough work week, who says “I need a drink because I’m a strong person”?
Mark, you are still overly generalizing, and you are throwing in straw-man arguments to boot. At the end of the week who says “I need [insert anything here] because I’m a strong person,”? Yet most people do all kinds of things on the weekend that they simply don’t have time for during the week. Personally, I go to movies on weekends because it’s difficult for me to put together 2-3 hours of downtime on most weeknights. This doesn’t mean I “need” to go to the movies, but it does mean that if I’m going to do it, I’m going to… Read more »
By focusing on the time of the week, you’re circling the issue. The point isn’t coming up w/ the time to do something, it’s investigating the motivation to do something.
I don’t “need” to have a drink. I like having a drink. I enjoy the taste of beer and wine. I find it a good way to unwind with my friends. I mean, I don’t “need” to eat chocolate either. I don’t “need” to play videogames. I don’t “need” to sleep-in on weekends. Technically, I’d be healthier without chocolate and I’d probably get more done in never slept-in and never played videogames, but I do these things because they’re relaxing and enjoyable. Are you suggesting that anyone who does something they don’t “need” to, purely for relaxation or enjoyment, is… Read more »
One of your first examples of how the desire to drink doesn’t come from weakness or comformity is “I find it a good way to unwind with my friends.” ?? Were you trying to be funny? Look below the surface: what are you unwinding from? The taste? Lame. You’re only tasting alcohol in diluted form. Open a bottle of rubbing alcohol & take a big whiff. That’s closer to what alcohol tastes like. It tastes awful enough that they water it down & mix it. If you wanted, you could taste beer & wine that doesn’t contain alcohol. The first… Read more »
Sorry, but I’m not going to engage in a debate if you’re going to tell me I’m lying and dismiss my experience out of hand purely because they’re not in line with his own..
Just because I’m saying alcohol isn’t a sign of weakness doesn’t mean I think it’s a sign of strength. Because, you know, I don’t structure my life around a strawman binary.
“What she might view as a weakness is really a strength: a will to make myself healthier, more productive, more dignified, and consistently reliable.” Mark, while the absence of alcohol may mean these things for you, an absence of alcohol does not equal health, productivity, etc. universally. And it certainly doesn’t make you healthier, more dignified or more reliable than someone who does consume alcohol. If women have called you a “weird non-drinker” (which is very shallow and cruel, by the way), it’s probably because of your harsh feelings for those who do drink, rather than the fact that you… Read more »
“And it certainly doesn’t make you healthier, more dignified or more reliable than someone who does consume alcohol.” Do you wish to support that statement? Alcohol is an intoxicant. Almost by definition an intoxicant makes one less healthy, less dignified, and less reliable. If a disaster strikes on New Year’s after midnight, who is going to be more likely to be able to help others? No one has called me a “weird non-drinker” but I’ve had situations where a woman acts interested until she figures out that I’m not drinking and then finds an excuse to drift away for no… Read more »
” It has nothing to do with my attitude towards those who drink because I don’t convey harsh feelings. ”
Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and call you out on this one. Just a few comments up you argued that the majority of reasons for drinking were “based in weakness” so please do not pretend you do not have harsh feelings towards drinkers. Furthermore, most people can tell when you are passing judgment on them, even if you do not believe you are doing so overtly.
Please consider that before placing the blame on others.
Your call out is unfounded. Your claim that I’m less aware than you are of the vibe that I put out is unjustified since I’m there & you’re not. Back at a college party if I started speaking w/ a girl I might be interested in and I found out that she doesn’t drink I would’ve found a way to slip out of the situation. I would think to myself “she’s going to get tired of my beer antics soon” or “she’s no fun” or something like that. I wouldn’t think to myself “she has harsh feelings towards drinkers &… Read more »
“while the absence of alcohol may mean these things for you, an absence of alcohol does not equal health, productivity, etc. universally. And it certainly doesn’t make you healthier, more dignified or more reliable than someone who does consume alcohol.” No, it does not “equal” or guarantee those things, but the absence of alcohol is the absence of at least one risk factor among many. An absence of cancer does not equal “health, productivity, etc.” because a person may also be afflicted with diabetes and strokes. But the absence of cancer means one less threat to their health. The absence… Read more »
I don’t hate people who don’t drink, but I do tend to find other people with whom to hang out. The same way I do when I meet a guy and find out he doesn’t like sports. As most people do, I tend to flock to people with similar interests. Nothing wrong with that. If you don’t want to drink, don’t drink. But if you’re around a bunch of drinkers and you’re not engaging in the one thing that’s bringing them all together, don’t be surprised to find yourself on the outside looking in. I’m not sure why that’s so… Read more »
It’s because why does everyone have to bond around alcohol? Why is alcohol the most important social thing in so many people’s lives? If you need to get drunk to have fun, then fine, go do that. What if someone has many similar interests to you but doesn’t drink? Do you still have to go find drinkers to hang out with?
And how the heck is an alcohol even a genuine interest? What, do all drinkers stand around talking about how they just love alcohol and that’s it? If that’s the one and only thing that can bring them together, what a crap bunch of people to socialize with. Yeah, I do drink, but I only drink what tastes genuinely good. I’m a sweet tooth, so I absolutely love Smirnoff, but even then I will not drink anymore than two in a single day! I’ve never been tipsy or drunk or anything like that. I don’t drink to loosen up. Like… Read more »
I simpy say I drank my share years ago……If pushed I can list the mispent youth…..Explaining that after drinking heavily between ages 10 and 20, I’ve lost interest in booze…..a single glass of wine with dinner, sure….. But, no more than that….getting buzzed is distasteful to me these days
“Why are we judging and pressuring people who don’t drink? And why do we make them justify or explain their reasons for refusing alcohol?” My boss explained that his father passed down a certain suspicion: “Don’t trust a man who doesn’t drink or smoke.” This suspicion is hardly original. Drinking and smoking are legal and socially acceptable vices. I know, smoking is less socially acceptable today, but not yet cause for excommunicating a person, and it is still legal. The reasoning seems to be that if a person does not partake in these acceptable vices, then that person must secretly… Read more »
It’s a hazing ritual like most things in life.
I don’t drink because of a religious restriction, which in the Deep South is an explanation that (in general) immediately cuts off any further pressure (though it may lead to questions about my religious beliefs, which I don’t mind at all). Religion is deeply personal and mostly untouchable down here, even if (like me) one doesn’t belong to the dominant religion or even a well-known religion (I am Baha’i, FWIW). There is a secondary reason, which is that alcoholism runs strongly on both sides of my family; I can feel that addictive personality within me, so avoiding alcohol altogether is… Read more »
I agree wholeheartedly. Whenever I go out to pubs or bars and try and socialise, the first question I am asked is ‘Why don’t you drink?’ Even before they ask my name. I do not understand why everyone feels the need to drink to fit in or socialise. Try and meet new people and they invariably ask you ‘You gettin’ on the piss tonight?’ I don’t know if it’s seen as rebellion or whatever, but the importance teenagers put on drinking is unbelievable. It’s like growing up means getting drunk. People are judged by how much they drink. And that’s… Read more »
Since the first few comments were from non-drinkers, I figured I’d chime in: I tend to drink a little too much (or at least a little more than feels healthy to me) and, because I’m a bit paranoid about my addictive tendencies, I take frequent breaks from alcohol — taking a week or two off here and there when I feel I need it, and taking off the entire month of September (arbitrarily) for several years. Here’s the catch, though: I try not to alter my lifestyle and become introverted. If anything, I try to be more social during my… Read more »
I’m pretty much the same way – I like a mixed drink once in a blue moon, but I don’t ever get drunk and I might have a drink, at most, every few months. I’m a musician, and musicians are expected to drink probably more than anybody – after all, selling drinks at the clubs where we play is what keeps the club in business. So I feel your pain. Like you, it strikes me as incredibly bizarre how much people seem to feel the need to make everyone around them drink. I don’t have a problem with saying no,… Read more »
I have been a teetotaller most of my life (29 years) and can count the total number of drinks I’ve had on my hands and toes. I’ve never been drunk and I don’t have the inclination to do so, as I hate the feeling of being out of control as it is. My mother and father were heavy partiers and I saw alot of bad come of it so I guess it showed me up front the dangers of abusing the stuff. Unfortunately in most parts of the world, and especially the West, alcohol is so much a part of… Read more »
You’re not alone!
I just posted something back in November about it: http://mallowtree.tumblr.com/post/12978843981/drinking