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Whether it’s at the office, in your home, or within your social circle, healthy relationships are the foundation of a healthy outlook on life. It’s a hard fact to deny, but one that’s even harder to live up to. Building and maintaining good relationships can be a challenge, even in today’s hyper-connected age, but doing so is more important than ever.
Developing better relationships means a more intimate friend group, a happier home life, and faster career advancements — all of which can be achieved by following a set of key principles, including:
1. Look for common goals.
Most relationships are built on mutual respect and interest; this is true both professionally and personally. If you’re having difficulty finding common ground with someone whose relationship you value, look for and emphasize shared goals. Simple, sure, but powerful all the same.
Marc Anidjar had always had antagonistic relationships with lawyers from other firms, allowing an isolationist attitude to hover over his law firm, the Law Offices of Anidjar & Levine. However, a few large-scale collaborative cases taught him that “you can work together in a symbiotic relationship that’s a win-win-win. Attorney, co-counsel, and client — all working to correct a wrong.” It may take some work to find, but a shared goal can bridge gaps in even the most fraught relationships.
2. Find ways to celebrate differences.
For all of the power that common ground can bring to a relationship, no less important is the ability to recognize and celebrate differences. Each person is going to bring a bit of themselves to the table that’s not up for negotiation or alteration — it’s up to the other to acknowledge and respect that bit of immutability.
Celebrating differences most often comes up in the context of workplace diversity, and for good reason: most offices are full of people from different backgrounds with different beliefs and lifestyles who nevertheless need to work together effectively. To emphasize their shared goals ad infinitum would be overkill; a recognition of differences is necessary in order to get the most out of intraoffice relationships. Maria Haggerty, CEO of Dotcom Distribution, summed it up nicely when she said: “At the end of the day, what this really comes down to is showing interest in, and respect for the people around us.” These factors could well be the foundation for any good relationship.
3. Be generous with time.
Maybe the only common factor held between people today is the finitude of their time: everyone’s schedule always seems to be full-to-bursting and opportunities for getting squeezed in are few and far between. The solution here is not to throw up your hands and declare it impossible to have a relationship with anyone; it’s to put in the effort necessary to clear your schedule for those most important to you.
One of the best ways to go about this is with an automated calendar that shows all of your free time slots. Make that calendar available to those in your circle, allowing them to select chunks of time in order to meet, chat, or otherwise be together. Remove as many barriers as you can that would prevent the people you care about from getting time with you. That way, you’re never out of the loop with relationships that may have a significant impact on your life.
4. Embrace feedback, whether given or received.
No relationship can ever be perfectly rosy all the time, and every relationship has room for improvement. That improvement, of course, must be mutual: one person may suggest a change, but both parties need to agree on it and be willing to turn it into something tangible.
Not all relationships will be of the type that features regular feedback, but business relationships surely can and should. A key mindset to have in that space is one of receptiveness, as LaToia Burkley points out in her article on mentorship: “Go into the feedback conversation from a place of being centered and present and assume positive intent on the part of the mentee.” This rule applies to more than just mentors: the more open you are to feedback in all relationship types, the stronger your relationships will end up becoming.
5. Know your communication strengths and weaknesses.
People communicate in different ways and prefer to communicate through different media. The takeaway here shouldn’t be that you need to have relationships with people who communicate in the exact same ways as you; it’s that you need to be fully aware of your own communication styles and habits if you want to get the most out of your relationships.
If you’re historically poor at responding to emails on time, make it clear that you’re more of a texting person. This goes both ways, too: you need to be ready to play ball with the communicative idiosyncrasies of others, too. While most people will be able to find a middle ground between their styles and methods of communication, some of your relationships may require sacrifices on your part in order to stay afloat. You may hate talking on the phone, sure, but you probably don’t hate it as much as you’d hate to lose a close member of your circle.
6. Be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is one of the few transcendent traits: it makes good marriages just as well as it makes good businesses. Being open with those around you may make you feel exposed, but it’s crucial for allowing those most important to you to understand who you really are.
This is true no matter how high up you make it. Didier Elzinga, founder of Culture Amp, says it succinctly: “Being vulnerable creates a space for leaders to let others into their head.” What’s true for leaders is true for those being led — it’s only through vulnerability that those around you can get fully on the same page as you.
Good relationships require hard work, full stop. They’re best thought of as investments: put effort and time into them now, and you’ll be rewarded later with greater satisfaction in all corners of your life.
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