Pete Wilson, with a poem to his teenage son whom he hasn’t seen in years.
I am so sorry
that I couldn’t be there for you
when you needed me most
when you were looking for
someone to mould yourself after
when you needed someone
that could understand you
hold you when you couldn’t ask me for it
‘cause I wasn’t there to ask.
There are many reasons
why I wasn’t there as you grew.
Maybe it was your mother –
I know she always did
what she thought was best
out of her
Sometimes she was right to protect you from me
if I was lost in my own confusion.
Sometimes she was wrong
and confused her anger about her and me
with my genuine need
to be there for you.
Maybe it was the system –
that rightly upholds your wishes
over either parents.
Maybe over zealous people
in positions of power
who really did want to do the right thing
couldn’t see what harm they were doing
in keeping us apart
because you said you were scared
maybe ´cause mamma and me
were angry and sad with each other.
I have to tell you,
it was me that was the problem.
I didn’t know who I was,
and I was lost trying to find out
just who and where
my heart was.
But in the confusion…
in my confusion over mamma and I leaving each other
in me having to get away from her
or her wanting me to get away
I put distance between you and me too.
I couldn’t bare the pain
caused by growing up with you
then being prevented from connecting.
Couldn’t bare the excuses
and the “good reasons” why we couldn’t spend some time together.
Felt like I was last on a very long list
of priorities written by a
Couldn’t bare the loneliness without you.
I tried for a long time
to spend time with you,
but it got to happen less and less.
So I had to do something to keep me alive.
I had to create a new life.
A life without you.
I had to get me whole again.
I had to get me sane again.
I had to remember that I am loveable again.
So I am sorry I couldn’t watch you grow.
So very sorry.
What has kept me going
kept me hopeful
all this time is that soon you are old enough
to make your own decisions
soon we can connect
because you want to.
because no one can stop you.
But also because I am in a place
where it won’t kill me
if you choose not to connect.
One day you will
and if I’m alive
as I hope I am
I’ll be there for you
answer all your questions
take all your anger and disappointment
and love you so clearly
that you will know
that never changed
all through the years.
I hope then We can build a new relationship
based on mutual respect
and then we can both grow
past the gap left
in both of our lives.
So help me God…
photo: slgckgc / flickr