Elisabeth Corey has every reason to see men as evil. But there is one reason she doesn’t.
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Of all the Hallmark holidays, Father’s Day is my least favorite. I have never had a problem with Valentine’s Day, because being single is my choice. I have never had a problem with Mother’s Day, because I am a mother. I have always been able to make that day a celebration of me.
My difficulty with Father’s Day comes from the fact that my father was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive, and he sold me to others for sex as a child. In fact, he wasn’t really a father. He was a pimp. The dysfunctional relationship with my father led to dysfunctional intimate relationships in my adult life. I found myself attempting to relate to narcissistic and abusive partners on a frequent basis. Based on my past, most might think that I have a dislike for all men. Sometimes, that is the result of severe sexual violence. Women who are sexually abused by their fathers can choose to blame the entire male population. I don’t judge them for that.
I am not one of those women. I have not had a successful intimate relationship at this point in my life, but I do have male friends, and they are pretty nice guys. I see them as husbands and fathers, and they are doing a great job. However, my ability to view men as good people comes from another relationship. I have a son.
I can say without a doubt that men are not inherently evil because I know my son. I see all men differently, because I can see him.
I see him struggle to express his fear about finding his place in this scary world. I see him trying to work it all out in his head. I see him trying to control something—anything—because it makes him feel safe…not because of some kind of power he wants to have. Someday, someone is going to tell him that having power will make everything better, but it won’t be me.
I see him struggle with society’s norms. He is not allowed to like pink or purple because he is a boy. He is not allowed to cry because he is a boy. He is not allowed to have his feelings hurt by his friends because he is a boy. Right now, he still cries. Someday, someone is going to tell him not to cry because he is a boy, but it won’t be me.
I see him give love so unconditionally that it scares me. He has never met a stranger. He gives me hugs and tells me he loves me all day long. He loves connecting with other people on a deep level. He wants to be loved, and he wants to love. Someday, someone will tell him that boys don’t show love so openly, but it won’t be me.
I can only imagine the difficulty that men have trying to conform to society’s expectations when it goes against their human nature. I see my son trying to reconcile it and it is almost tragic. I guess that some men are not able to conform to the external demands and stay healthy on the inside. I am not making excuses for men who choose to victimize others, but I am saying that I see how some could have veered off track.
I don’t know where my recovery journey will take me. Even though it is something I want, I don’t know if I will be able to trust enough to have a healthy intimate relationship. However, the relationship with my son has taught me that there is innocence in men. I know it because I see it.
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photo: michale / flickr
I hear ya. I have every reason to hate women, but I don’t allow bigotry to blind me either.
I am sorry about what you were you put through but many thanks on not painting us all with the same broad brush.
Had it not been for my son, I probably would have. It’s funny how the universe gives us exactly what we need.
I sooooo wish i’d met someone like you when i was a struggling single parent, reading your story has surfaced deep emotions.
Hi Veronica, I am going to tell you something that I need to tell myself too. You can only do the best you can with what you are given at any time. You won’t be perfect. I am far from it. Don’t be too hard on yourself about your parenting. Your recognition alone is a step that some never take. As an adult, your son has the option to transcend his childhood just like we all do. This is the main point of my blog. If I can transcend child sex trafficking, others can transcend their past too. Don’t let… Read more »
Thank you Elizabeth for your encouragement. Yes i did try to do the best i could but i was a mother as a teen who had not been mothered at all and felt bullied from age 13 when the boyfriend of my sister (whom she later married) tried to persuade me into something i didn’t want to do and i was extremely embarrassed about this. It wasn’t until after years of bullying i realised they were paranoid that i’d told someone, but i didn’t tell anyone. I really really needed my sisiter but she didn’t want or need me and… Read more »
There is nothing worse than a family that doesn’t know how to give support. Only those who have experienced it can truly understand the pain that causes. I have found a community of abuse survivors who make me feel like I am not alone. I don’t know if that exists where you live, but if so, it might be helpful.
As a teen mother, there is no way you could have transcended your childhood. You were still in your childhood. Go easy on yourself.
Thank you but i’m not sure how to find a supportive community or people to trust who would not accuse me of wanting sympathy or roll their eyes and say ‘oh another Cinderella story!’ or ‘you are too sensitive’, ‘it was in the past’ etc etc
I will send you a private message. I’ll bet we can find something out there.
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing your experiences and depth of understanding. On some levels i can relate to your experiences, i say some as there are different types of abuse and circumstances. Reading about your relationship with your son is wonderful, touching and inspiring, which reflects my only sadness that as an isolated teenage mum (before the internet) that i was not or able to be a great Mum like you. My son is grown up now and it’s too late, to my enormous sadness.
Best wishes
Very touching, and extremely well-written.
I can’t even begin to relate to what you have been through, but I wish you nothing but the best.
Thank you so much Steven.
Elisabeth Corey, nothing I could ever say would ever suffice to convey my sorrow for circumstances of your childhood. I will say that you seem to have a near-epic understanding of the challenges faced by men, and I thank you for your insights. In my life there have been moments of extreme pain, and there have been moments of such pure awareness of being human that those moments were transcendent, and it was as though the moments elevated my very existence. Since “I read therefore I am,” many of those moments have occurred when I read something. Your words express… Read more »
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words brought tears. You are too kind.
End the moronic sport ‘winning-pandemic’ that infects all males by deliberate intense marketing indoctrination. In Australia ‘foopore’ and ‘crigg’ are the vilest forms of incessant media sports vomit and is injected with endless, boring, pointless, puerile, eyes-glazing statistics that shut me down at age 7!! It’s part of the pushed genetic war gene that ‘must be’ educated out by women, ‘winning’ is pointless, ‘achieving’ is all there is; men; you are the only enemy! Best regards Glenn http://www.glennfloyd.org/tertiary.pdf
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