No one said being a parent would be easy. We knew sleepless nights and sibling fights would be part of the deal, but we were prepared to push through all manner of parenting drudgery for what promised to be an immense payoff: the gift of having children and witnessing the magic they create.
Now, as we watch our toddlers destroy grocery stores and eat grass, we can’t help but wish that parenting them was just a bit easier. On cue, in steps our administration with “Alternative Facts,” a movement that allows people to create realities exempt from actual facts. And people say the federal government shouldn’t be involved in our daily lives.
With this in mind, what follows is a list of 21 alternative facts that would make raising small children SO much easier. No, alternative facts are not facts. But here’s to wishing they were.
1. Laundry machines retrieve dirty clothes from under beds, wash, dry, fold and sort, and print money to pay for detergent.
2. The Tooth Fairy is real and carries twenties.
3. The Elf on the Shelf can move himself.
4. Chocolate Advent calendars exist for months other than December.
5. Toddlers adhere to the “Hands To Yourself” rule while browsing the grocery store.
6. If not, federal law requires that all grocery store products be shelved at least four feet off the ground.
7. Toddlers eat green things other than sprinkles, gummy bears, and gummy worms.
8. Fellow parents keep parenting advice to themselves, particularly when their advice isn’t solicited.
9. When asked to share their toys, toddlers smile and say, “What took you so long?”
10. When asked to clean up after themselves, toddlers smile and say, “And when I’m done, can I vacuum and take out the trash?”
11. The Frozen magical rising castle is as big as it looks on the box.
12. When poop settles in the training potty, it resembles something other than a snake.
13. Regular M&Ms are as big as Peanut M&Ms.
14. Older siblings are smaller and weaker.
15. A cool person on TV can step out of the “box” for a play date.
16. Alexa always plays the right version of “The Wheels on the Bus.”
18. Toddlers believe liquid Tylenol is melted down Swedish Fish.
19. The elderly smile at toddlers without touching.
20. Birthday parties can be held inside a Mister Softee truck.
21. Target holds special Free Play sessions for toddlers. One hour. No parents, no rules, no cleanup. Just destruction.
Thanks, Alternative Facts. Parenting has never been so easy.