—
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have gay children. I’m not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.
Maybe it’s because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It’s in my genes and in my tribe. Maybe it’s because, as a pastor of students, I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids, from both inside and outside of the closet, trying to be part of the Church. Maybe it’s because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.
For whatever reason, it’s something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor and a parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids right now…
1) If I have gay children, you’ll all know it.
My children won’t be our family’s best-kept secret. I won’t talk around them in conversations with others. I won’t speak in code or vague language. I won’t try to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes, and I won’t try to spare the feelings of those who may be older, or easily offended, or uncomfortable. Childhood is difficult enough, and most gay kids spend their entire existence being horribly, excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’m not going to put mine through any more unnecessary discomfort, just to make Thanksgiving dinner a little easier for a third cousin with misplaced anger issues.
If my children come out, we’ll be out as a family.
2) If I have gay children, I’ll pray for them.
I won’t pray for them to be made “normal”. I’ve lived long enough to know that if my children are gay, that is their normal.
I won’t pray that God will heal or change or fix them. I will pray for God to protect them; from the ignorance and hatred and violence that the world will throw at them, simply because of who they are. I’ll pray the He shields them from those who will despise them and wish them harm; who will curse them to Hell and put them through Hell, without ever knowing them at all. I’ll pray that they enjoy life; that they laugh, and dream, and feel, and forgive, and that they love God and humanity.
Above all, I’ll pray to God that my children won’t allow the un-Godly treatment they might receive from some of His misguided children, to keep them from pursuing Him.
3) If I have gay children, I’ll love them.
I don’t mean some token, distant, tolerant love that stays at a safe arm’s length. It will be an extravagant, open-hearted, unapologetic, lavish, embarrassing-them-in-the-school cafeteria, kind of love.
I won’t love them despite their sexuality, and I won’t love them because of it. I will love them; simply because they’re sweet, and funny, and caring, and smart, and kind, and stubborn, and flawed, and original, and beautiful — and mine.
If my kids are gay, they may doubt a million things about themselves and about this world, but they’ll never doubt for a second whether or not their Daddy is over-the-moon crazy about them.
4) If I’ll have gay children, most likely; I have gay children.
If my kids are going to be gay, well they pretty much already are.
God has already created them and wired them, and placed the seed of who they are within them. Psalm 139 says that He, “stitched them together in their mother’s womb”. The incredibly intricate stuff that makes them uniquely them; once-in-History souls, has already been uploaded into their very cells.
Because of that, there isn’t a coming deadline on their sexuality that their mother and I are working feverishly toward. I don’t believe there’s some magical expiration date approaching, by which time she and I need to somehow do, or say, or pray just the right things to get them to “turn straight”, or forever lose them to the other side.
They are today, simply a younger version of who they will be; and today they’re pretty darn great.
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Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this may be especially true if you are a religious person; one who finds the whole topic disgusting.
As you’ve been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, or clicking the roof of your mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send me, or praying for me to repent, or preparing to un-friend me, or writing me off as a sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic —but with as much gentleness and understanding as I can muster; I really couldn’t care less.
This isn’t about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.
You’re not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.
You’re not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.
You’re not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred intimate, midnight snuggle sessions.
You’re not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, and whose tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.
You’re not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up when I come home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary soul.
You’re not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore more than I ever thought I could adore anything.
And you’re not the one who I’ll hopefully be with, when I take my last precious breaths on this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of shared treasures, and resting in the knowledge that I loved you well.
If you’re a parent, I don’t know how you’ll respond if you find out your children are gay, but I pray you consider it. One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you’ve parented, you may need to respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child; one whose sense of peace, and identity, and acceptance; whose very heart, may be placed in your hands in a way you never imagined… and you’ll need to respond.
If that day should ever come for me; if my children should ever come out to me, this is the Dad I hope I’ll be to them.
- Note: The word “gay” in this post, refers to anyone who identifies themselves as LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Questioning) . Though I certainly realize and respect the distinctions and differences, it was simply the word that would quickly and easily communicate within the context of the piece. It was the clearest and best way to address non-hetereosexual individuals in the post, by using a common tern that would resonate with the average reader. Hopefully my heart for the LGBTQ community is still clear in the writing.
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This post originally appeared on JohnPavlovitz.com and is republished on Medium.
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I agree with everything you said. I too am a Christian and my daughter is gay and I love her as much as any dad could love his kids. She brings her girlfriend over and we play games. I treat them no different. She has all my love and all my support. Now when I gave my life to Jesus it’s no longer mine. I live by his rules only. As a Christian father should I walk down the aisle and hand my daughter over to another woman? This is where it gets tricky. Marriage since Genesis has been between… Read more »
Jesus didn’t ask the Samaritan woman to change her ways nor did he ask the roman centurion to change his nor did he condemn the woman caught in adultery (where was the man by the way)……Jesus’ message is a call to love that this pastor speaks about having toward his children….
I am shocked at some of these comments.
I thought this was a touching beautiful commentary by a wonderful father. What lucky children you have sir.
If a child of mine decided he was homosexual, I would continue to love him as my child and as a creation of God, but I would not, and could not, endorse his homosexual lifestyle. I would not in any way encourage him in that lifestyle and would not in any way help him further it. This is how a person loves the sinner but hates the sin being committed (if one is being committed; a celibate homosexual commits no sin. )
being gay is not a sin… jesus doesn’t once mention it .. we somehow miss this… the old testament verses and chapter that we all seem to gravitate towards talks about how we treat each other not the act .. the whole homosexual term was created not more than 100 years ago in the mid 50 or so.. it’s not anywhere in the bible… they created it to target someone because they needed to find scapegoats for their pathetic boring lives….
I take it you are not into the old testament? Let’s quote only the new testament. 1 Corinthians 6:9 This is Jesus speaking…..Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God. Surly all of… Read more »
You are truly a man of God! Jesus would never treat anyone the way many are treated in this world!❤️
As a pastor, how do you reconcile that there are biblical passages speaking out against the act of homosexuality, calling it an abomination worthy of death? Personally, I absolutely agree with everything you said, and loved this article, but I don’t consider myself a Christian. I understand that a genuine connection with God allows deep love and compassion to grow within. Which can and usually does signify a genuine spiritual leader no matter the tradition. But the bible is certainly the core of the christian faith, and the bible does speak out against homosexuality. Do you feel perhaps some of… Read more »
Yes!! I really want to know this too! I have had my whole life people say just pray against it, it’s just a choice, and so on but I have never really felt a change. I don’t understand how one is supposed to change either? I know god is all powerful and does work in our lives. However I just can’t seem to find what makes it actually a sin? Murder, thievery, abuse, adultery …yeah it’s hurts other people and destroys the self, but being gay doesn’t make me sexually perverted, in fact I’ve never had sex or even been… Read more »
When I started reading this and I skimmed over the religious part of it, I thought “great another prayer thing that I don’t want to read.” Then I stopped myself and thought that maybe by dismissing the religious aspect of an article, I am doing something worse than those who are extreme, I am not hearing them out. So I went back to the beginning and read the whole thing. I loved it and was happy to see that what I feared would be in what you wrote was my own issue and not yours. Thank you for writing this,… Read more »
“I would rather have people mad at me and tell them the truth than love them, tell them nothing, and go to hell.”
paraphrased Carter Conlon Times Square Church
That is an incredibly selfish thing to say. Not loving a fellow human being for who they are on the threat of going to hell.
Ill take my chances and treat all my fellow human beings as equal, and if that gets me a ticket to hell, then I’ll see you there!
well said John 🙂
Thank you. I’ve also thought long and hard about this issue – but I’ve not been given the gift of children, to my immense sadness. But I hope that I could and would have made the same promises.
OMG Greg, would you mind pulling your head out of your lower back! Not one person’s “normal” is the next person’s normal, so yes, if his kids are gay, that’s their normal – and not his, not mine, not yours, nor anybody elses. I also really, really can’t find any “anyway” in the love this man professes for his children. And what you want him to tell his kids is exactly what he does tell his kids. So no, this article should not be burned. It should be posted on every website where you can find not-exactly-Christian (or generally unkind)… Read more »
I won’t pray for them to be made “normal”. I’ve lived long enough to know that if my children are gay, that is their normal. This statement of your is a huge worry to me. Being whoever they are is not ‘their’ normal….it is simple normal !!!!!! This is so condescending and judgemental. You can’t tell your children that they are growing up into ‘their’ normal which means, in fact, they are not normal. the underlying messages in your article are so sad and dangerous. Thanks for your sharing. I know you have all good intentions in writing this but… Read more »
I don’t think you understand the intent of this letter. He is trying to help other parents out there who thing homosexuality is the worst thing EVER and who may eventually shun a gay child. To help those types of parents, this letter is perfect. Baby steps.
Thank you so much for this article! I grew up in a single parent home where I was not allowed to say the word “gay” without severe repercussions. When I had my children I not only allowed them to think freely (I was still a parent though) but I also taught them that skin color and race where just terms defined in a dictionary. My daughter is now 22 and I as her mom, will someday walk her down the isle and proudly place her hand into the hand of a man or a woman of her choosing. My children… Read more »
This was the most moving post I have read. I believe that God loves us no matter what and that if my sin decide to come out and tell me he is gay I will sit back and tell him the same thing I would say if he was straight that before he dates anyone they have to get his moms approval. Lol
How ‘refreshing’ to actually ‘read’ what a Pastor feels, thinks, etc. This 72 y/ Gay Man has been ‘tolerated’ by his ELCA Church for nearly 15 yrs. God Bless you for sharing your thoughts…I work very hard to be EXACTLY who my Good Lord made me to be. Your Children are twice-blessed to be in such a loving embrace…
God Bless,
Duane Fortier
Concord, CA
Thank you so much for being human. For all the love that it is evident you hold for your children in this post. Thank you for speaking out, for standing up, for doing right. Thank you for loving unconditionally and for accepting things far beyond anyone’s control. You are a revolutionary, a leader and a light. I sincerely wish you happiness and success in all that you do and I hope that your children grow to realize just how impeccably wonderful you are.
All the best, alway,
L
Thank you for this. My parents are like you, I am gay and transgender and they love me for who I am, accepting that I have been like this from day 1, God made me the person I am and gave me the courage to come out eventually. There is a lot in the news today about the fundamentalist Christian and the way they feel, well you have put across a lovely piece about how a true parents love is, thank you.
John, your children are very lucky to have you as a father. Moreover, your congregation is lucky to have you as a pastor, and I hope they appreciate what a truly Christian man you are.
“Lucky”? To not love them enough to tell them that it’s wrong? I don’t call that loving whatsoever. Love the PERSON, but never the sin.
I agree with you, Angel. I am the wife of a Pastor and we have 5 children. Our oldest boy (26) “came out” to us last year, but of course the Holy Spirit had already been stirring us that he was living that way so it wasn’t a surprise. He actually used the words “this is how I choose to live right now” That in itself tells me that he knows that it is wrong, but has chosen to live this way. Many of course will say that he was just using the wrong words to explain himself, but we… Read more »
You are rediculous and clearly did not learn from the Good within this article…
Question for you motheroffive: Do you choose to be straight? I don’t think so. You are attracted to who you are attracted to and nothing is going to change that. You can’t make a person straight just because you want them to be. It’s like trying to make a person sexually attracted to a tree. No matter how much a person stares at that tree, it is never going to become sexy to him/her. If you truely believe in God, you know he has a master plan. If God is all knowing and has everything planned out, your son’s sexuality… Read more »
I am so sorry to learn of your son’s issues. I will pray that he will resolve them in a way that pleases God. My sympathies to you and your family.
@Mumoffive The one thing Jesus talks about over and over is if forgiveness and loving people as they are, despite yourself. If being gay is such a choice and not genetic then you are aware that as his parents this must mean that it was your doing, you brought him up, you taught him how to live and love, so it’s your own sorry doing and either way you’re terrible parents, because if of course his is how he was made (because honestly who would choose to be something that will leave them outcast and marginalised and persecuted) you’re just… Read more »
I had my second child, a boy, via emergency c-section two weeks early on September 4. His due date was September 20, which is his much older cousin’s birthday. A cousin who is gay. The only gay member of a very large family, many of whom identify themselves as Christians. I, too, identify myself as Christian, but I have been revisiting my beliefs about many different things for several years. I appreciate this article deeply. Like you, I don’t know why I’m suddenly thinking about this topic when it comes to my kids… maybe because I have a boy now,… Read more »