Make the most of your less-than-ideal situation.
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The holidays are a time for joy and celebration for many people. It’s a time to see old friends, get together with family, and share in love and laughter with people we enjoy.
But for many people, the holidays are a time of stress. Long-standing family conflicts and decades-old wounds can easily rise to the surface, resulting in a good deal of anxiety for everyone involved.
Although you can’t control other people, the one thing you can control is yourself. These five tips will help you take control of your own attitude and actions so you can have a positive experience this holiday season . . . no matter what others say and do.
1. Accept that you can’t make everyone happy.
No matter how hard you try, it is simply impossible to make everyone happy. If this is your goal, you will always come away frustrated.
For example, my parents have been divorced for twenty years. That’s two households we need to visit around the holidays. Then when you add my wife’s family, that makes three places we need to visit. Although they all live less than a two-hour-drive away, it’s still a major juggling act to make sure we see everyone. And inevitably, someone will be unhappy that we can’t attend their gathering when they would like us to be there.
You have to make decisions that are best for you and your family and let the chips fall where they may.
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For many years, this really bothered me because I can’t stand conflict. I hated the fact that someone would be upset with us. However, I eventually came to accept that not everyone would be happy with how we allotted our family time during the holidays. You can’t live your life for other people. You have to make decisions that are best for you and your family and let the chips fall where they may.
2. Don’t assume you have to be best friends with every family member.
Many people have a hard time getting along with their highly dysfunctional family members. I’m fortunate because I have great relationships with my brother and his family, my parents and their spouses, and my wife’s family. I genuinely like them all. But not everyone is so lucky.
Some people feel guilty because they don’t enjoy being around extended family. They assume they should be best friends with family members. But real life is not like an episode of Leave it to Beaver, where everyone gets along all the time and everything always works out in the end. You can’t force a close relationship if one doesn’t already exist. We should make our best effort to be civil to people in our family, but we don’t necessarily have to be best friends.
3. Set a good example for the kids.
When you’re at the Thanksgiving table and that quirky uncle says something off-kilter, or that socially awkward cousin does something odd, it’s easy to lash out and give them a piece of your mind. But before you do that, think about the kids in your midst. Are you setting a good example of responding in an appropriate way?
Do our kids see us talking trash about other family members one minute, then putting on a fake face to them the next one?
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Kids are perceptive, and they see and hear much more than we realize. Do they see us talking trash about other family members one minute, then putting on a fake face to them the next? Do they see us being the same person no matter what situation we are in, treating everyone with respect? Or do they see us being two-faced, telling one person this and another person that?
The holidays are a great time for character-building in stressful situations. Let’s rise to the occasion and show our kids how to show love and patience, and take a genuine interest in others even though we may not always feel like it.
4. Let go of the need to have a perfect holiday season.
In American culture, we have an ideal that life during the holiday season is supposed to magically transform into a month-long scene from a Hallmark movie. Everyone gets along, problems come to a neat resolution, and there is peace on earth and goodwill toward all people.
But in our hearts we know this isn’t realistic. The American ideal of a perfect holiday season filled with joy and perfection is just a cultural construct that is often more stressful than helpful. There is nothing inherently special about Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter, in terms of how family members should relate to one another. But in our minds, we create a scenario where the holiday season means that everyone gets along, you have the perfect gifts for loved ones, and everything goes as planned.
Why do we put so much pressure on the holidays to be special? Why should it be different than any other time of the year? Shouldn’t we strive for peace, love, and kindness during the whole year?
I’m not saying we shouldn’t enjoy the holidays. What I’m saying is that sometimes we put too much pressure to have this perfect experience during the holidays, only to inevitably let the let down when it doesn’t go quite as planned.
5. Take the lead in setting the emotional tone of the gathering.
If you know you’re going to be spending some time with a family member who gets on your nerves, take the initiative to establish a positive vibe at the first opportunity. When we’re uncomfortable, we tend to go into a reactionary mode and simply respond to what others say and do. Instead, grab the bull by the horns and set a positive, friendly tone for the gathering. Play offense, not defense.
Grab the bull by the horns and set a positive, friendly tone for the gathering. Play offense, not defense.
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This process begins in your heart, and must start before you pull in the driveway or open your front door to welcome people. It must begin now. Is there bitterness in your heart toward a family member? Is there anger? Is there a difficult conversation you need to have? Sometimes people will not respond as we’d like, but we must do our part to make peace when we can. If we do that, we can enter into a holiday gathering with a clear conscience, knowing that we’ve done our part.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, and we all have various kinds of problems. My suggestion is here may or may not help you in your specific situation. But I hope that at least it’s inspired you to think about some ways that you can enjoy the holidays under less than perfect circumstances. If we let go of our unrealistic expectations, we may find that we can actually enjoy the holidays more.
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Photo: Flickr/kellywritershouse
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