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We have a problem in the arena of divorce and custody. We have a system that is not impartial and often serves as a breeding ground for disingenuous and unethical actions committed by players in the legal arena and sometimes (knowingly and unknowingly) enabled by the very courts people believe will determine fact from fiction. Many fathers have an uphill challenge awaiting them as they seek what many others before the law and courts seek … fairness and the right to be heard.
Nothing in these ordeals for dads are easy, and mine exposed a lazy court system unwilling to review evidence and a corrupt matrimonial bar where both entities punish and criminalize many men for being good fathers who seek fairness and equal time in the lives of their children.
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For many fathers, opposing parties often go through the laundry list of stunts and questionable litigation tactics using children as pawns. In my own ordeal in New York, I often called out the dirty tricks directly and even alerted the Judge of a particular incident of perjury in direct correspondence to chambers. However, I learned that courts in divorce and custody look the other way in instances of perjury and that the often used legal jargon cited in affidavits, depositions, declarations and testimony with language stating things like “under penalty of perjury” are proven to be empty, powerless and without weight.
I had the unique experience, where I both had attorney representation and represented myself as a pro se litigant when the funds ran out and debts increased. My exposure in law and politics gave me faith that the judicial system wouldn’t ultimately reward dishonesty and unethical practice. I was soon to realize the sad truth in how wrong my belief was!
Nothing in these ordeals for dads are easy, and mine exposed a lazy court system unwilling to review evidence and a corrupt matrimonial bar where both entities punish and criminalize many men for being good fathers who seek fairness and equal time in the lives of their children. The court is a breeding ground where good ol’ boy network thrives and profits at the expense of parents becoming adversaries and children being hurt. Much of the litigation and courtroom drama are orchestrated events, I know firsthand as I often documented my predictions and time stamped them prior to court hearings and meetings with all parties where I was accurate in detail as to what would play out most times.
While documenting and cataloging everything in my own case my broader concern was that not many fathers (and mothers many times as well) have the tenacity or persistence to speak out on the issues and unethical processes that transpire in and around the court. This is exactly what opposing adversarial attorneys and some judges count on, fatigue, and that most people will give up and submit to unfavorable outcomes. This enables lawyers and parties the ability to lie to the court, file false allegations and commit unethical actions because the person on the receiving end, more times than not, is playing it clean and being the more truthful party. This is so of the point where a father’s character sustains so much damage with deceitful motion practice played out against you for the purpose of leverage tactics, threats of contempt, and protective orders all filed at you based on disingenuous substance and falsehoods. This is designed to try and assassinate a person’s character and leave a bad first impression of you on a judge all while putting you in a place where it seems impossible and overly complicated to counter the damage done.
In these ordeals where institutions are broken and, families put at risk whereby representation is only available in such a manner that one has the means to afford it, a parent always will need help and by all means, should ask for it.
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It is “overwhelming.” especially when dealing with the challenges and turmoil of major life changes, but that’s how they get away with it all. People often get to this point where countering it all seems hopeless and that’s when the other side comes in with a settlement that rewards the side who is often unethical, better financed and aggressive while the other party learns honesty doesn’t pay and just wants their life back and to escape a system that criminalized them for being truthful and sincere. As a father you aren’t supposed to make it 10 rounds or “challenge the system”, so that all the lies, hearsay narrative and disingenuous filings against you get washed away at a settlement and never see the light of day under “impartial” judicial scrutiny that would expose the situation for what it is….a work of fiction and bully tactics.
The amazing thing with these lawyers in the matrimonial bar that no one talks about much is how some decide how far to take a case. Once they have the net worth statements they know how much money their clients have and eventually how much the other side has and in litigation, there are ways to manipulate things so the lawyers can bill you out of a lot of money before a case ends at a certain point. There are patterns to watch for. The initial protective orders, the letter writing campaigns between lawyers (easy billable time for them) and all the needless motion filings and hearings (with hours waiting in the court), along with depositions and preparation time for all these things. Cases have stages and if the money is there some lawyers will make sure things progress to a certain point, damn the adverse effects these greedy motives have on the lives of the client and the other parent.
In my situation it was when I started representing myself and doing well to gather evidence and testimony that the aggressive and questionable tactics increased. Eventually, this all resulted in a bizarre circumstance where I was directly and indirectly threatened to agree to a resolution to things on the day we arrived at court for a hearing. These threats sent the message that I would either agree to all terms of my ex-spouse and her lawyer or faced a prospect of incarceration leaving me with the choice of picking out what color toothbrush I wanted! This is where so many fathers find themselves and next thing you know you are swearing to the Judge that you’re entering an agreement “not under threat” and learning the hard way that in courts dealing with divorce and custody the truth is never sought with much effort and is often a problem for the players in the industry.
In these ordeals where institutions are broken and, families put at risk whereby representation is only available in such a manner that one has the means to afford it, a parent always will need help and by all means, should ask for it. The price for not doing so is one most cannot fathom paying which is losing out on your role as a Dad, and moving forward with your life.
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Photo: GettyImages
I’m not tech savvy. I hit join. Low battery will check back later. Walk and homework time.
Have a good night all.
Yes . Truth,and Justice.
The scale of justice lady wears a blind fold.
Nough said
@Paul Hobson Seen it thousands of times my friend, and it’s why I proudly profess to be a father’s rights advocate and embrace the vitriol that comes at me when I do.. When one sees children screaming for their father, a father’s tears of frustration, bewilderment and sadness as court officers rip his own kids from his arms so as to return them to an abusive, drug soaked mother it changes your entire perspective. When one has an order of protection slammed upon them for no apparent reason beyond winning, to be put up against a wall in some courthouse,… Read more »
I’ll keep it simple. I don’t try to get out of child support. I pay all the bills for medical and dental. My ex gets $1200 a month from me for 4 kids. I recently took her back to court to get full custody of my kids. Here’s the reason why: my oldest son tells me at the age of 5 his mom took him to a party. He was molested by two men all while she was right there. I was at work that day and when my son told her about what happened she told him to never… Read more »
Thank you for writing this. Having been down this road in support of parents rights, I can tell you the system in Washington is fairly biased and very flawed. It amounts to blatant discrimination which negatively impacts families especially children and lines the coughers of money driven lawyers. I wrote my two state representatives and my senator about acting on an shared-parenting Shared Parenting in Washington State legislation. One congress woman told me that courts are doing a fine job which is a complete political cop-out. The other two haven’t responded. I guess I know who I will not be… Read more »
Truly is a concerning situation all around. I have been working on a book regarding my own story but one that also takes a practical look at how these corrupt systems operate and literally shows how to prove the bias and raise the questions surrounding judges. I’ve spent three years examining one county and all the players there and what I have discovered is very concerning. If you know how to examine court dockets, campaign disclosure reports and motion practice those lines of data and cross-referencing it all reveals alarming conclusions that price trends and expose bias. I have a… Read more »
Hi Stephen my husband is in the sane situation we live in utah and its the worst if u want the worst stories for your book come here or i can give u my hubby story ?
Have you looked at the federal incentive program for the states, that awards dollar for dollar match for child support awards, and dollar for dollar match for back support collected, which can go into the states general fund. This is done under the Child Support Performance and Incentive Act. The reason the courts are so biased is to send a message to women that if they want to turn the fathers of their children into a cash machine, the court will guarantee, (short of drug abuse or child abuse by the mother) their custody of the children, the house, and… Read more »
It’s not all about the mothers winning, my daughter had her newborn taken from father of baby’s family, and they are friends of dcs. The allegations were not true of my daughter proven by countless negative drug tests. Oh but the father was the drug addict,he was caught doing drugs at visitation and he still gets to see baby. My daughter was ordered to pay child support to the state he wasn’t he is only one with a job. Can anyone explain that to me
I agree with you that many of the “problems” in these systems are not mutually exclusive to fathers over mothers. The more I look into it all, the more disturbing the whole thing is… As long as the incentives focus on profits and adversarial styles of approaching these cases in the courts than the bests interest of the child takes a back seat to it all.
The Order of Protection game was fun for me. While I was working to try and repair my marriage by seeking out a marriage counselor after discovering that my wife was having an affair, she sought out a divorce lawyer and fired the pre-emptive strike of getting me removed from the home by making it sound like I was a child abusing monster. While presumption of innocence doesn’t exist in that realm of things in order to protect victims, divorce lawyers have taken to using it to get a leg up in custody battles. I got lucky, though. The family… Read more »
Thank you for this article. I too thought of becoming my own counsel if push came to shove financially. I cannot state enough the isolation I experienced during my custody ordeal. Not my attorney, family, friends, or parents wanted to hear me… It truly separates the boys from the men. The one thing that pulled me through is this: There is no one who will take care of me as well as I can. So I became my own best advocate and fought like my family was at stake; and it was.
We NEED to see more articles like this. This is a reality and has been for countless years. April 2015 “A coalition of women’s groups including the National Organization for Women, the League of Women Voters, Breastfeeding Coalition, National Council of Jewish Women and UniteWomen FL will all rally in Tallahassee on Tuesday against Senate Bill 668, a family law measure awaiting Governor Rick Scott‘s signature.” And from NOW “If Florida’s child custody law is not broken — and we have yet to hear anyone say it is — why is the Legislature trying to fix it by establishing a… Read more »
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