After becoming the proud dad to five kids, Matt Sweetwood was handed a horrific divorce. Rather than allowing it to defeat him, he found a way to not only survive, but to find peace and success as a father. Here is how he did it.
—
It was late 1996 and my marriage and family life I dreamt of was ending. My wife of 8 years and mother of our 5 small children was gone. Our children had borne the brunt of this.
The next few years of my life were filled with court dates, forensic accountants and court appointed custody evaluators. The divorce and financial settlement took over four years and cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. There were 13 motions and a trial related to financial matters and I lost every one. And lost them badly. The New Jersey court system bankrupted me – happily.
The determination of custody for our 5 children took a different course. I was now solely responsible for 5 little children, ages 2 through 9.
I walked away from the situation stunned like I had been hit with a brick. There was not going to be a happy ending like I had hoped. The reality that I had lost my wife for good finally set in. My children were now motherless and I was going to have to raise my children on my own. I feared that without a mom, my children were surely going to fail or end up as criminals or worse. Out of sheer necessity, I needed to make life work. Here are the 10 ways I made it happen.
- I learned to trust. If not the courts – something outside of myself. I was never spiritual before but now what did I have to lose by trying. And it was calling to me. As if to say and show me, all the money I needed, every need of mine and my children’s I would somehow have the ability to meet. And I did.
- Stand for what is right. Although I lost every court hearing – and won my kids – it may not have felt like winning then – and it wasn’t. But I then also stood up for myself with a connective aspect of my case taking it all the way to the Supreme Court of New Jersey and I won.
- Get help to fix things. I brought in two nannies for a while, straight from the Israeli army to help me mitigate the damage my children and I had endured – from a house that was torn apart.
- Reserve a space for yourself. I gave everything I had to my kids but when it was time for me to have time to myself, there was a lock on my bedroom door. All five kids were on their own.
- Be willing to blaze a trail. I wanted to run away – but I didn’t. I was a “pioneer” of sorts of the process – had never seen any man in my neighborhood who had full custody of all his children. 5!
- Find kindness beyond reason. When it was time for the court appointed visitations with their mom I did not impose any ideas upon them but I listened to them intently on the other end. We talked extensively about their new relationship, our relationship. I did not bad mouth their mother which took tremendous restraint for me.
- Be willing to cease being angry. I worked little by little at getting over my rage and bitterness. I started taking responsibility for my part in this. I’m not saying I’m l00 percent there, but my writing, my putting my heart and soul into helping other men and women is a part of my healing.
- Be thankful for the love in your life. I am grateful every day I have had these kids in my life – wonderful human beings – Paying me back daily with their success.
- Stay physically healthy. I work hard to keep myself in tip-top physical condition. Physical strength was always my foundation for emotional and mental strength.
- Let go of the fight. I stay out of courts.
My kids today are all in their 20’s. Four have attended top colleges, one is just married, one helps run my business, and all five are successful, happy and kind human beings. We all stay close to each other.
This process is not for the faint of heart. Then again, neither is life.
In any case, stepping up may be hard, and it may be painful, but in my case, it was worth what was on the other side.
Photo: Flickr/Juanjo
So happy that things worked out . Happy Father’s Day .
I once went through a similar, but not nearly as bruising battle around the same time. I cannot imagine the horrific circumstances that would have caused the court to take custody away from the mother, but it sounds like you kept your head throughout it all, even as others were losing theirs. That’s something only a responsible parent would do, and the proof is in the pudding. Good on you. The prejudice and outright discrimination in so-called “family” court really cannot be appreciated by anyone who hasn’t experienced it firsthand. The only long term solution I can think of is… Read more »
“…the legal, social, academic and institutional prejudices against men who are single parents. Matt is currently writing his first book,”Man Up….” Following 20 years of being totally estranged from my 2 daughters following divorce from a mentally / emotionally yet intelligent and very well funded ex-spouse who I can only describe as Evil at this point in my life — I honestly do admire and take my hat off to anyone that has achieved what Matt describes as having done. Raising 5 children alone under any circumstance is a major achievement. I do caution however against taking the belief that… Read more »
Edmond, I feel your pain. It’s amazing how we make the same mistakes over and over again. Our stories are similar. Be strong, work tirelessly, trust in God and love your children a lot. I promise it will all work out. You will enjoy more of my writing at msweetwood dot com.
It’s no different here in Texas… I’m on my 2nd custody battle with my 2nd wife… I was awarded primary custody of my now 17yr old son after my 1st divorce when he was just 3yrs old, BEFORE she was diagnosed with bi-polar & put on medication… Now, after 11yrs of marriage that ended in divorce, I’m seeking primary custody of my two daughters (ages 9 & 11), & their mom is undiagnosed, but has the same issues, so needless to say, this is very mentally & physically draining. I’m strong spiritually, so that’s what helped me the 1st time,… Read more »
My friend is in the midst of a ludicrous New Jersey family divorce court battle. His estranged wife (a borderline personality disorder originally, now a full-fledged sociopath) has found an attorney who is happily draining their marital finances, his children’s savings and putting the marital home in foreclosure in order to fund multiple frivolous subpoenas and court motions. His estranged wife is a woman, so she is presumed to be abused in the eyes of the court system – an erroneous fact she and her attorney exploit to further destroy my friend (“gaslighting”). He has endured years of physical and… Read more »
I am sorry to hear that story but it is not uncommon in New Jersey. What happened to me was pretty hard to believe too. If your friend would like someone to speak to, my contact info is on my website.