After stumbling across destructive advice, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Kelly Flanagan writes a letter to his daughter about what really matters in a relationship.
Dear Cutie-Pie,
Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”
It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.
And I got angry.
Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”
Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)
If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.
Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:
I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.
I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.
I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.
I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.
I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.
I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.
I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.
In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:
You.
Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.
Your eternally interested guy,
Daddy
♦◊♦
This post is, of course, dedicated to my daughter, my Cutie-Pie. But I also want to dedicate it beyond her.
I wrote it for my wife, who has courageously held on to her sense of worth and has always held me accountable to being that kind of “boy.”
I wrote it for every grown woman I have met inside and outside of my therapy office—the women who have never known this voice of a Daddy.
And I wrote it for the generation of boys-becoming-men who need to be reminded of what is really important—my little girl finding a loving, lifelong companion is dependent upon at least one of you figuring this out. I’m praying for you.
—
This post was originally published here.
Beautiful letter and post, Daddy. I wish all daddies understood the importance of their relationship and building into their daughters from the time they are young. It is beyond critical. Your post reminds me so much of a a great new, actually renewed, book we’ve been reading. Great for all dads of daughters. We’re loving it, so I have to share… It’s called “She Calls Me Daddy: 7 Things You Need to Know About Building a Complete Daughter,” by Robert Wolgemuth. Originally released in the 90s, it was a best seller. His girls are grown up and give their own… Read more »
Suddenly, something nicely put always turns into a religious battle. Will you all, no matter what religion or belief you have, cut this bullshit and enjoy the wisdom that was displayed on this page? It’s because of simple minded people such as some individuals who always tend to bring ‘god and jesus’ and so forth into a picture the moment it doesn’t fit right with them. Stop shoving your beliefs and religions down other peoples throats and just enjoy what’s put out there. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it and leave others to their own faith.… Read more »
Thank you for writing this… I did not have a dad like this.
I’ve just re-read this letter, but in the gender reverse (i.e. replacing every “he should do this” with “she should do this”).
Do this mind excersise yourself, and ask whether the letter would have been so positively received as it has been here.
Then ask yourself whether we have equality.
Some of these comments??? I can’t believe the beauty and sincerity of this article has been so easily overlooked. It’s such a shame. Anyway, this article is awesome mostly because it is genuine and heartfelt. It is a gem because it is exposing the lies in magazines etc. Mind you, I do not plan on marriage or any kind of romantic relationship, but this is truly valuable. Thank you Dr. I had to figure out my worth on my own, no one really told me but God-willingly I made ok choices and ended up valuing myself very much. This is… Read more »
Why must religion be always discussed? I was raised in a strong faith Catholic family. I would love for my future wife to be Catholic, but it is not the most important thing. This man hit it right on the head. As long as a man is strong in values and merit, what else is there? I have believed for a while that as long as a person respects my faith and acts within the basic laws of Christ, which every man of any faith can abide to, that is a good person. Treat each other fairly, do not steal,… Read more »
I’ll have to disagree. While being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you’ll be a good person and not being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you’ll be a bad person, it’s quite it important that two people who intend spending the rest of their lives together and raising children together; it’s important that they have the same fundamental values, not just about right and wrong but also specifically about religion. For example suppose a couple has a teen child. Suppose the child has a big test/exam coming up on Monday and one of the “Good” parents, who’s not religious, feels the child should… Read more »
I agree with what this man has said. I think it is important for everyone to understand the importance of unconditional love. It is important to learn to give it and it is important to learn to receive it. I do just want to say that while love should not need to be earned in a marriage, marriages are not built on love alone. Strong marriages are built on service, respect, sacrifice and communication and commitment. Those are all actions. Those are things this man’s daughter will have to do to keep her marriage strong. She cannot just sit by… Read more »
@Thanda: “She cannot just sit by and expect to be loved unconditionally. I don’t think it’s what he meant” I don’t know if that’s what he meant, but the article sounded dangerously like it: “the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.” On all the points, the author mentioned what the guy should do, but never what her daughter should. Thus, all the burden seem to fall on the guy’s shoulders. I’m sure the author had the best intention, but the message to his daughter sounds very close to entitlement: “You deserve… Read more »
Valter said it best. I am a woman raising a little boy, and I would send him a similar, albeit different message. This letters reads like something someone wrote primarily to get attention. I apologize for sounding so cynical, but the letter is laden with lovely ideas, sentimental images, and poetic devices which all actually amount to very little in an actual romantic relationship. Perhaps he didn’t write this letter so that women can gush all over its warm and fuzzy sentiments. After all, he is right: it is sickening how many “what can you do to nab your guy”… Read more »
Part of being yourself is accepting others just the way they are. Don’t try to chenge them. And if the decide to leave, you didn’t “fail” – they wanted to leave! Gosh, you guys need to learn how to be happy on your own, or you’ll never make someone else happy…
Ah, people, why do you always always have to lament about something that hasn’t been said in a post, e.g. the girls behaviour towards the guy? This is a highly positive letter with an idea which has been explained in detain by the author – its not implying that a girl/woman must expect a guy to deliver without reciprocating in the same manner. It emphasises just one moment from all the relationship dynamics – the importance that a guy/man respects the girls/womans personality and acceps it. Way too many young women and girls don‘t hear the things that have been… Read more »
What a beautiful letter you have written. Your daughter is blessed to have a father as loving as you are. Thank you for writing this letter to all of us girls who’s father won’t and don’t care to be here for us. You made me cry. I just had my 3rd little girl and my husband adores them all so much. I am so thankful that my girls will always know unconditional from their Daddy.
Wow! These comments are absolutely ridiculous! This letter from a daddy to a daughter is hate free, beautiful in every way…. There’s nothing but positive loving words! Goes to show that haters will hate no matter what! Instead of looking at the positive you all try to dissect it, trying your hardest to find something wrong with anything! Get a grip! Religious or not! Who cares….! I hope that kind of man for my little ones! But most of all I hope they don’t grow to be a hater… Finding the negative in people because they are so insecure and… Read more »
Wow. I don’t think for one second that this guy intentionally left out anything… People, quit being so sensitive! The bottom line, he wants her to be loved and respected and cherished… As long as those requirements are met, he doesn’t CARE about gay straight black yellow white Christian or not! Stop reading between the lines… There is NO hidden agenda here, just a wonderful letter written from daddy to daughter. End of story.
Thank you Samantha, for verbalizing what I was thinking! ;D
That’s what makes a real dad! Alot of great points in this letter. Came across this article on Evan Marck Katz blog and thought i’d continue reading it. glad i did! 🙂
“I don’t care if he is a she..” its the only thing I think is missing in that letter, and probably the exact same thing my dad lacks of don’t caring.
that’s exactly right. Thank you pointing it out. My grandmother immigrated to the US in the 50’s and had 9 children. 4 of which then married people of radically different racial background and one who was gay. Her love and acceptance of non-traditional norms (especially in the 60’s and 70’s) has earned her a place of utmost love and respect in our family. She was, and is, the most loving, open minded person I have ever known. Point is, we need more parents and grandparents who set aside societal fears, and embrace their children for whomever they aspire to be… Read more »
You know, I understand the point this man is trying to get across, but I think he went about it in the worst way possible. Once upon a time, my parents told me the exact same thing. That one day, I would meet the man of my dreams. That we would settle down and have some kids, and life would be a fairy tale. Well, five years later, I moved two thousand miles away because I couldn’t stand disappointing my family anymore. I’m never gonna have that perfect white-picket fence my parents want for me, because I’m gay. Also, childbirth… Read more »
He can’t think of every thing, but it’s good not to settle for someone who treats you bad. A fairy tale would be a handsome, rich prince which this guy isn’t saying is important. You can still “turn out right” if you don’t have a man (or woman), but if you choose, choose wisely. You can’t always please your parents, you do the best you can for you, and you can’t control another’s disappointment.
Who says you did not turn out right? You being who you want to be, how you want to be and with who you want sound right to me. People who can’t accept and love you as you are, are not worth your time.
So the message to you is… know that you are worthy of interest. Right now, you are not feeling your worth. Live your life… the way you feel is right. Don’t let these creepy, sad Christians or people’s expectations bring you down! I don’t. To me, love is love… it’s regardless of gender. Take that, hateful Christians!
7 Iyar 5774 Hi: Our father was a bit of a tyrant, and will never forget the time when he said, “When you are in my house you do as I say, and when you are married, you will do as your husband says.” Not in my lifetime. Or he would bleat “When you have children you will understand.” Never was interested in that, knew at age 11, this gal would be forever childfree by choice. He looked a bit stunned and once had the nerve to bleat that it would be nice to have grandchildren, and all I could… Read more »
Technically it’s the man who gives her the child, not the other way round. But that’s just a nitpick. Actually I agreed with pretty much all of it
He gave her the seed and she gave him the child…
Who is he praying to, the God that he doesn’t care if his future son in law believes in? If you are Christian, you definitely care if your daughter finds someone she is equally yoked with. I tell my daughter it is one of the most important things.
Or she could find someone and introduce him to Jesus. Stop being judgmental. Not everyone is raised with knowledge of Jesus Christ.
It’s because you speak your beliefs so harshly that people get driven away by Christianity. (I don’t mean to single you out, Lori, but I have poor wording so please excuse it.) I respect your point, and can even agree with it… But it’s because you lack compassion, even I feel a bit resentful. Obviously you tell your daughter this out of love and concern, yes? So where is that love now? Do you post this to spite the man, and others? I can understand you being a bit up-set… But please don’t post things like this with such rude… Read more »
You are so wrong. I’m currently dating a girl who did not have many Christian values at all. It is because of me that she has found faith and the community of faith has grown once more. Even if she did not come to know God in God’s essence as I have come to, I would still love her, so too would our Lord.
I’m happy for you! But please don’t say it was because of you that she found God – in the end, all credit goes to Him… God used you to bring her to His truth, that I am sure of… However, it wasn’t you alone who did it.
Oh! What is wrong with you to make this into a religious debate???
To be honest, I respect that you have found faith and it helps you, but this idea that somehow a man of a certain faith is the only one who will bring your daughter (or woman in the case of a son) happiness is kind of ludicrous. Being close minded is one of those very traps that good people fall into when it comes to things such as marriage and finding love. It doesn’t matter what “God” they worship but whether or not they believe in and practice some of the core values that all humans should share. Ultimately, religion… Read more »
And I would like to amend the fact that this love can be found between a woman and a woman, or a man and a man.
That’s just lame. It’s not up to her to keep him interested, but it’s up to him to do all the job and to treat her like a princess. What is that a fairy tale?
The way I read it, I don’t think that’s quite what he is trying to say. I think it’s more about finding someone who cherishes and respects all of who you are, not someone who will ask you to change any part of you that makes you, well, you. And about respecting yourself. It shouldn’t be your job at all to alter the essence of your being to make yourself more appealing to your partner.
Where does it say he has to treat her like a princess? if you think loving someone everyday for who they are, respecting them, valuing they heart and mind is being a princes.. If you think being humble, loving, compassionate, and sacrificing and working hard to give someone a a good honest is just treating them like a princess…. I am pretty sure you will never have a healthy, mature , true,relationship – you will never understand what its like to out the person you love before you… … trust me none of those things are lame.
7 IYAR 5774 A bit late, just saw this, but where, in that article did the man state that “it’s up to him to do all the job and to treat her like a princess?” That article was spot-on, and I say this as a female who has been reading this cal [with a great deal of laughter] most of my life: Always aimed at the gal, this is the hairstyle you must have, make him feel masculine, and remember that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach [stupid, stupid], so learn to cook, bring him a… Read more »
Excuse me, but if you are a christian, all you care is that he will act like one, live like one, been a loving husband, a nice person, a good father and a nice human been. Thats all. Religions are made by people, but nice actions are just as christian as going to church every sunday.
Wow! This was beautiful! Thank you so much for writing this!
I have come across books and websites that tell you who to be, how to be, how to
“catch” a man! Its SO SAD!!! All one has to do is be themselves and love who they are!
and only be with a man they receive love from! This was wonderful specially written by a man! Thank you!
People need to start calming down and stop looking into points that haven’t been made on this letter. It’s a beautiful piece of writing and it is what it is. It’s not implying more than what it is saying and everyone should take from it whatever they feel appropriate. Stop making it about yourself guys. I totally agree with what he’s saying given that not so long ago (1950s) women were ‘expected’ to behave in a certain way around their husbands and portray a certain image to ‘keep them interested.’ So much progress has been done since then and women… Read more »
Speaking as a woman who’s dad never played an active role in her life, I think this letter is lovely. Every child should hear words like these. Words to encourage them to be themselves and happy with who they are. We all should just take this at face value…it’s a letter of acceptance and love from a father to a daughter. Nothing more. Nothing less. It seems this little girl is blessed.
Hi people,
For whoever gave comments about feminism and all that, you have really lost the plot!
I think should should read David Deida’s ‘Dear lover’ & ‘The Way of the Superior man’ and then you will understand that it is not about genders.
Have a great day everyone 🙂
I love this. Thankyou. There are beautiful men all over the world who would love to be a Daddy, not all of them are. Please enjoy the blog I wrote about it here:
http://deannetindale.com/the-forgotten-ones-want-to-be-dads
I wish that’s the advice my dad had given me. His was useless:
“Try to make the man feel like he’s the dominant one.”
????
And why would I want to marry a man who wants to dominate me? Thanks dad!
Awesome read. Not just from a little girl standpoint of emotional support from a Dad. But from the striving standpoint of little boys seeking to understand manhood at an early age.
Thank you for this. These are the messages I tried to instill my daughter as she was growing, comments best distilled what I said to her when she twelve or so and really looking at boys for the first time: “If he doesn’t worship the ground you walk on, I want to know why.” Today, her wonderful husband’s motto is the old addage: “Happy wife, happy life.” I think the message got through.
It is not my interest to discuss if the letter is heterenormative or not, the spirit of the letter is clear and undestandable. But i do think that you cite a thing as really important and then you completely miss it, and i want to ask your permission to add it as complement to this beautiful letter (sorry about my english): You told her, at the end she JUST NEEDS TO BE HERSELF, but you dont talk her about how to be herself. You dont learn how to be yourself just by respecting how your parner vote or not, who… Read more »
Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”
Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:
I hope he also tells his son the same message…
that it will never be his job to keep a woman interested, make her laugh, make her feel XYZ, prove himself to her etc, because women will know e’s interesting.