Tony Amore knows more than he thinks about being a dad. Like it or not, he is giving himself to his daughters as their present this and every year. Being there for them is what he has to offer.
—
“This should be easy,” my wife says to me. “Just write about what makes you a good father.”
To which I respond, “Yea, but that’s the problem…”
“What does that mean,” she continues, “You don’t know what makes you a good father!”
Good compared to what, I often wonder. It is such a relative term. Actually, on one level I do know the ways in which I am a good father and a decent man, but saying them out loud smacks of some Odysseus like hubris. Besides life consistently hurls such piles of shit at you that it becomes easy to feel overmatched and under-qualified. I guess this is normal. However, this can breed doubt in one’s ability as a parent. Maybe being a good father is simple. What’s kept me sane are ten things that I’ve figured are more or less non-negotiable for me as a father of two teenaged girls. While I have no experience with raising boys, I can tell you what most daughters need.
First, be around. I’m around. Yes, I work but keep as flexible a schedule as possible so that soccer matches, dance recitals and theater performances aren’t missed. I teach college and have been known to cancel class to attend a third grade Christmas concert. Hell, I canceled my summer class this week for my daughter’s 8th grade advancement ceremony (high school, holy crap!). Un-ethical? Perhaps, but I remind my students that life is a one shot deal. Rarely do you get a second chance – when you do, value it. Otherwise, attune yourself to these fleeting first and only chances as they approach; seize those opportunities, as they are rare. There are innumerable things I will sacrifice; my children’s happiness is not one of them.
Second, be present. Being around is one thing but being present is another entirely. At my daughter’s dance recital yesterday I could see a number of dad’s texting or checking the Red Sox score. Listen, they lost to the Jays 13-5; you’re better off focusing on your kid’s dance and if she’s not dancing your friend’s daughter is, so be respectful.
Third, ask questions. Not just the routine, “How was your day/school?” Try, “What do you think about this or that?” Then, wait for an answer even a silly one and listen. That’s it. Make eye contact, listen and respond. Oh, and do this without glancing at a screen of any kind.
Fourth, be annoying. Sometimes I will just go into my 14 year-old’s room and sit on her bed, quiet and wait. I don’t do this often and if the timing is right she’ll be on her phone texting, or Snapchatting. After a few minutes she’ll ask: “What are you doing?” I will respond, “Show me a stupid Vine?” From that some nonsense typically ensues. How is this annoying? Oh, yea, I forgot that I might have been asked by my spouse to remind my daughter to continue an unfinished chore or to get off her damn phone. Rest assured though, after I see the stupid Vine I’m all over that discipline shit.
Fifth, own up. You will forget the three ring binders requested from Wal-Mart, and possibly the index cards and the glue sticks. You will lose a permission slip under a pile of paper on the kitchen table or screw up the occasional pick up time from dance. Apologize and make it right. Don’t blame your spouse for this mishap, or your kid for not texting you sooner. Roll with it; own it. Next time you’re in Wal-Mart pick up that new wacky flavored Cheez-it or the ice cream she likes. This demonstrates accountability, responsibility and character. All characteristics you want your daughters to identify in a man they might eventually one day marry (ugh!).
Sixth, everything is about balance. At the risk of sounding like a leader of the 19th century temperance movement: everything in moderation. Don’t let them keep their phones at night, they will O.D. on social media and we’ll be the ones who pay at the breakfast table when a monster emerges from her room. Sitting on the couch and binging on The Office to avoid homework won’t work either. Sure it provides us some “quiet time” but sets a bad precedent. Our daughters also don’t need to spend every waking minute with “that boy”, but a few times a week is OK. Don’t dictate, strike a balance.
Seventh, go out into the world and meet it with them. Hike Mount Monadnock. Rent a couple paddleboards. Train for and run a 5k-charity race. Walk out to the point and watch for seals. Purposely avoid a sporting event. Why? It is too predictable. Go to a place where trouble could (but probably won’t) happen. Show your child what you do when trouble happens, even if trouble is simply backing the kayak from the shallows. Also, occasionally talk to strangers. “Stranger Danger” is a hand we’ve slightly overplayed. When your child is around have conversations with people at bus stops, on the Metro, in hotels or restaurants. Sometimes when emergencies occur “strangers” quickly become anything but. You know this, I know this, they need to know it too.
Eighth, words are everything. At some point we will be alone with a dead cell phone and no cable and only our thoughts. Encourage your child to tell stories in their heads like Russian dissident Solzhenitsyn locked in a Siberian Gulag. Request the books they want from the library — don’t forget to pick them up when they arrive. Every story we read, every story we write and those we choose to share in the open are interesting. Listen to their stories, and descriptions of stories, as patiently as they have listened to our stupidly repetitive college/work/adventure/favorite movie ever anecdotes over the years. That’s only fair.
Ninth, fuck perfection. Tell your child the following: “Do your best, give what you can and that’s all any one person can expect from themselves. Ultimately you are the only judge that matters; only you can answer the question: how did I do? Everyone else’s opinion is just that – an opinion. If you study, if you work, if you prepare and you fail I will support your effort. If you don’t study, if you don’t prepare and by consequence you fail, I will then have something to say about it.” As parents, we aren’t perfect, or anywhere close, therefore who the hell do we think we are putting so much pressure on our children to embody perfection? Contrary to the bullshit conventional wisdom, this world is no more competitive than it’s ever been — we’ve survived and so will they. I would rather have a happy daughter majoring in interpretive dance at a sub-sub-sub Ivy League school, than an unhappy one majoring in marketing at a prestigious, overpriced, nameplate university.
Tenth, take care of yourself so you can take care of them. I run. I ride. I stink up the kitchen boiling beets because the guy in Runner’s World says they are phenomenal for me — the salmon of the vegetable world. Our kids will roll their eyes in embarrassment when we roll up in our spandex or neon yellow signets. Secretly they are impressed that at our age we’ve avoided the beer gut and that we can actually do fifty consecutive pushups. Would I rather eat burgers, fries and chocolate shakes every day? Hell yes, but that would slow me down and they are not slowing down. In fact they’re moving faster which means time to gear up, dig in and hammer the next hill. This is why we train.
These are the rules I’ve laid out for myself composed over time and through trial and error. If they are helpful in some way, great. If not, then so be it. What kind of father any of us becomes does not depend on how our father treated us, what our spouse expects or what society demands. No, what kind of father we become depends on three things: 1) knowing who our children are, (2) knowing what they need from us, and (3) knowing what kind of man we want to be for them. Write your own damn rules; be your own damn man. In the end, be your own kind of father.
As usual, my wife is right – it is that easy.
Photo: Flickr/Jenn Durfey
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
◊♦◊
Anthony, I’m a new dad of sorts (transitioning from female to male, and thus from motherhood to fatherhood) and I will be taking your advice on board as I navigate along my journey!
You sound like an awsome dad! I wish more dads were like you.