A young man sounds off on the hurt a family has caused to the man he loves. It was a gift worth returning: the “gift” of conditional love. Here is what he has to say to them.
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Congratulations. You’ve won. You’ve earned your ticket into Heaven by showing your son God’s love.
You’ve shown your son God’s love by not allowing him to bring me to your home for Christmas. You’ve done exactly what Jesus would do – shun others. After all, Jesus didn’t let JUST ANYONE at his table. It’s sad that on a day you celebrate the birth of Christ, you’ll be acting in the complete opposite way that Jesus acted. Alas, you must show your son God’s love and not condone “our behavior.”
It worked last Christmas. You manipulated him into coming home and he was treated as if he were a leper. He was called names, harassed, and told he was going to Hell because I was dragging him there myself. He was in mental anguish over your treatment of him. You tore him apart with your words. You degraded your only son.
But this Christmas — He’s over it. He’s over the threats, the lies, and the bullying. Since you don’t recognize him and I as a couple and since you’ve said you won’t treat us like part of the family, he’s decided to choose love over hate this Christmas. He’s choosing to NOT go back to what he once called home. His home is with me and it has been for three years. He’s become an integral part of my family. While you were shunning your son away, he found a family of his own. He found people who love him without conditions. He found a table he was welcome at.
During your Christmas celebration when you try to justify your actions, please remember that you gave your son an ultimatum — for him to get rid of the love of his life or to leave your family. I know you blame me for taking your son away, but whether I’m in the picture or not, your son is still gay and you must face this realization.
You’ve made it abundantly clear that you think I’m demon-possessed, a bad influence, and a sinner. Your judgment of me has no effect, but your treatment of your son causes my heart to bleed. I’ve had to sit by and watch you throw stones at the person I love most. I’ve watched as you and the rest of his family have disowned him. I’ve thought of every scenario to get you to love your son again. I’ve blamed myself because I felt as if I personally caused him to lose his family. I know this isn’t the case and that your son chose me because he recognized true love. I’m writing this to say that I have your son’s love and that’s all that matters. Your son and I love each other and that love is eternal and unconditional.
While you’re feeling comforted knowing that you’ll be rewarded in the next life for “not condoning the gay lifestyle,” I’m consoling your son in THIS LIFE. I’m the shoulder your son cries on today. I’m the person who will hug him tight tomorrow. I’m the one who will apologize on your behalf until the day I die. I’m the one who wants to scream at you and say, “Stop! You’re hurting your son! You’re hurting your only son!” But deep down, I know where your heart lies. Your heart beats to that of a literal interpretation of the Bible. Your heart beats to Fox News. Your heart beats to discrimination and treating other “sinners” the way you think they should be treated — condemned to Hell. Your heart beats with hatred to the things you fear and do not understand.
This Christmas, your son and I are surrounding ourselves with people who love and care about us. We understand what true love is. So this Christmas when you think to yourselves, “He’s abandoned his family for the gay lifestyle,” just know that your son didn’t abandon you. He’s been the same person he’s always been. You are the ones who changed. You’ve deemed certain people unworthy to sit at your table. You’ve put conditions on your love for your son and that is the worst Christmas gift of all.
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Originally appeared here.
Twitter @CalebisLOST
Photo: Flickr/Gummy Piglet
My own story: Met my Boyfriend for the first time after midnight, followed him home, and became boyfriends the very same day. My Mother did not accept him, and although they have never met, for many years disparaged him when I came to my parents’ home to visit. On the other hand, his parents accepted me, and his Mother even called his room as “our room” when I visited their home. After seven years, I saved enough and bought my own home, and his parents live with us. She cooks for us every day, does our laundry, tidies the house,… Read more »
beautiful letter felt like the words were coming from my own heart.
Great letter. Hold closely the people who love and accept you and your relationship.
Yes, I will believe every word because you’re gay. Your deionizing his family must be true and absolutely correct. You are the most un-biased part of the question. Here’s a hint; dirty laundry goes to the laundry, not the Internet.
Honest curiousity here. Why would the author write this if he didn’t believe it to be true? I mean, there’s that undeservedly villainizing people is a legally risky action. If he and his boyfriend’s family aren’t on good terms, I doubt he’d want to give them any possible opportunity to claim he’s slandering them. Sort of like how if your boss hates you but you need the job, you’re going to be extra careful not to give him or her a ‘legitimate’ excuse to fire you. I mean, one could argue that it drums up support for the anti-homophobia crowd,… Read more »
Just out of curiosity, did you attempt to discuss this with your friend’s parents? Your letter tells only one side of the story: yours. Not your friend’s, only yours.
Excellent and he needs to stand up and speak out, just as he has.
More power and Love to both of these men. Xo
Caleb, this is a powerful letter that I hope gets spread far and wide. I share your passion in opening hearts and minds; using words to inspire compassion instead of condemnation. By pointing out the conditions of their “unconditional love,” you make a powerful argument. Your love for your boyfriend is palpable. This letter is going to resonate with anyone who reads it because your emotions are so raw, honest and pure. I hope you’ll continue to fight the good fight and continue putting words to the emotions all of us feel.
Bryan Christopher
Author “Hiding from Myself: A Memoir”
Unconditional love. Thank you. It’s what the world needs more of…
“Unconditional love” doesn’t have to mean unconditional acceptance of a behavior. I’m not referring to this in particular but in general. I love my kids a great deal, I will always love them no matter what, but if they did something that falls in complete contradiction to my beliefs, I will still call them out on it.
I hesitate to give examples simply because I don’t want anyone thinking I’m comparing this situation to the examples. But I think you know what I mean.
I don’t know what you mean. Can you clarify? I’m agreeing that unconditional love doesn’t imply automatic approval of any behaviour. Can’t say I’d approve of stuff like vandalism, cyberbullying, hard drug use… Lots of things really. But every example I can think of involves things one chooses to do (or at least initially chooses, in cases of addiction), and more importantly, every example I can think of causes harm to either the person in question, other people, or property. I don’t think you’re comparing orientation with any of these harmful behaviours. That wouldn’t make sense. Orientation isn’t a chosen… Read more »
He tries to act like he is neutral but he is a conservative Christian homophobe!
Thank you Mary … usually when people make such insulting accusations, GMP removes the post because it’s a direct insult. But that’s okay. As they say, “if it doesn’t apply, let it fly. In so far as “orientation” there is no proof that someone is born with it. But we’ll leave that aside for now. My late brother was gay, died from complications related to AIDS. He was very much welcome in our home. Sadly his “behaviors” caused his death. A “homophobe” wouldn’t volunteer with a gay alliance delivering food to shut ins. A “homophobe” wouldn’t have a gay business… Read more »
Off the bat, we likely disagree about whether people are ‘born’ gay. Leaving that aside though, even if someone wasn’t born gay, is it necessarily a choice? I wasn’t born 5′ 7″, but I can’t say it would’ve been my preferred height. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I’m not being flippant or anything, just to make sure. It’s hard to come across as non-sarcastic on the web… Thinking about it though, when someone gay contracts AIDS through sex, is that a consequence of ‘gay’ behaviour’, or a consequence of unsafe sex? Straight people do get AIDS as well,… Read more »
I’m glad that your boyfriend has found support with you and your family. <3
Just out of curiosity, while i agree with all you said, the hypocrisy of religion infused hatred ensconed in the belief it is based on love, why did you hsve to bring Fox mews inti it. To me that almost negated the entire article as i felt it eas bleating of the liberal mouthpiece as much as the christians you denounce. I find fox news to be one of the only broadcasts that tell most of the yruth of things going on. Yes yhey have their slant too but i’ve rarely found them to be anywhere near the realm of… Read more »
Your boyfriend can disown his “family” the same way they did him. It goes both ways. Family is the people that love you unconditionally regardless of your race, gender, sexual orientation, ability status, and yes your choice of religion as long as your practice of that religious choice is not harmful. Of all the above traits I just listed, note that religion is the only one that is a choice and not biological so it should be the least important!!!