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It all started with this:
Dear Parent /Guardian:
You are receiving this correspondence because your child may be in danger of failing one (1) or more courses for the first marking period of the 2017–18 school year.
First: Not my kid.
Second: This must be a mistake
Third: Run up the stairs and pound on his door
Fourth: “How the fuck (added for dramatic effect with this reenactment) are you failing Chemistry?”
My son: “The teacher didn’t credit me for multiple homework assignments. I actually have a C+.”
Me: “You need that in writing. Send her an email now and I’ll (translation: my wife) will do the same.”
Then the phone rings and I know it’s my wife. Yes, I just saw the same email. Yes, it is a miscommunication. He actually has a C+ grade. We can both now step off the ledge.
And then in unison we said to each other:
“A C+ shouldn’t be acceptable.”
***
I drive my 15 year-old son to high school each morning. It fits into the family schedule.
I love it.
It gives me 12 minutes with my son that I cherish. I feel some level of control and feel like I’m still a part of his day.
I enjoy watching the other kids walk into school. Some joyous, some miserable.
I’m oddly jealous of the teachers as they scoot in front of my car even though I have no desire to teach. They get to have an impact. That must feel good even if it can be shitty as hell along the way.
This morning’s car ride topic was the C+. A more accurate description of the topic would be this:
Settling for mediocrity
It would be one thing if I knew he worked his ass off to attain that grade. But I know he can do better than that. He can work harder. He can make it more of a priority. He can play one less game of Madden after school.
Like my parents 28 years earlier, I gave him the college acceptance speech:
You want to go to [fill in the blank], you have to separate yourself from the pack.
If your grades are only average, you need to significantly bump up your extracurricular activities.
You can’t simply cruise through high school and think colleges will be OK with that.
As I’m pushing him during the car ride and trying to light a fire under his sizable sneakers, I simultaneously tell myself that the C+ doesn’t matter.
Why does he even need to learn Chemistry? How is this bracing him for the real world? Does the school system need an overhaul? Can’t we make it more tailored to how each student best learns? Can’t we tailor it better for those that are more introverted like my son?
Does college even make sense any more? It’s guaranteed debt without the guarantee of a job. Tuition costs have to reach a breaking point soon, right? What if he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet? Does anyone before the age of 21?
Would he better served living and working on his own right out of high school? Would that provide the same social outlet as college? An even better and more truthful experience, no?
And then I make it all about me. That is where the anger really resides.
***
I have settled for mediocrity my entire life.
I did well enough academically in high school just so my parents would stay off of my back. I also took advantage of my stellar memory. That was a smart strategy back in the 80’s. Post-test I went back to being clueless.
I was a good basketball player and team captain by my senior year. But I never pushed myself to take it to the next level. I didn’t stay late after practice or spend any significant time in the weight room. Others wanted it way more and I was OK with letting them take it.
I did OK in college, only doing the minimum to graduate with a 3.0 GPA. I had no plan for the future. I met my future wife and figured that was the ultimate goal of college. That is the most non-mediocre thing I’ve done to date.
I am mediocre at my job. I’ve been with the same company for 20 years and while I’ve had some successes, I’ve played it safe. I’ve settled. I’ve taken zero chances and resisted change.
And after writing those 4 previous paragraphs, add narcissist to the list.
All of that baggage dangled from my left shoulder as I was chiding my son.
I am a hypocrite.
***
As I drove home from the school and reviewed my parenting score, I gave myself a C+. I wasn’t happy with my presentation skills. I allowed my own shit to creep in and that wasn’t fair to him.
I don’t want to take him off the hook by any means, I just wish I had worked on my content prior to delivering it.
I think this is what I wish I had said:
It isn’t about the Chemistry grade, it’s about putting in the effort. It’s about learning what it takes to accomplish something that doesn’t come easy.
Be yourself and follow what you love. Don’t give a shit about what anyone tells you to love. Just be honest with yourself.
Try everything and be OK with failing. Failing will teach you more. Your passion doesn’t find you, you find it.
Originally published on Medium
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
Great column, John. I find myself doing the same things.