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Dear Mr. Dad: My boyfriend and I have been going out for several years and are quite serious. We’ve even talked about getting married. We both have adult children from previous marriages, but while I’m very close to my daughters, he’s been estranged from his 25-year old son for more than 20 years, ever since he moved out. They’ve recently started communicating again, which I support completely. The problem is that my father died unexpectedly, and the funeral is the same weekend as a trip my boyfriend had planned with his son. I want him to come with me to the funeral, but he says that he can’t (won’t) cancel the trip. I’m very angry and my family is too. I don’t want to end the relationship, but I don’t know what to do.
A: First of all, my condolences on the loss of your father.
As for what you should do about your boyfriend’s choice, let me tell you a story. There’s an interesting case in the Talmud (the ancient collection of writings, discussion, and analysis of Jewish law and tradition) where a wedding procession and a funeral procession, heading in opposite directions, meet at an intersection. The road is too small for both to pass at the same time, so one group has to yield the right of way to the other. Naturally, there’s an argument, with both sides insisting that they should be allowed to go first. After plenty of heated discussion, the Rabbis ultimately decide in favor of the wedding.
Their explanation is that the future is more important than the past, and since the bride and groom have a bright future ahead of them, they should be allowed to go first. But there’s another way to look at this, which I think applies quite well to your situation — that life is for the living and that life should take priority over death.
I understand that you and your family want your boyfriend to be at the funeral to support and comfort you. And I understand that you feel angry and hurt that he’s chosen to be somewhere else. But try to think about it from his point of view. He no doubt wants to be there for you. But given the choice between life and death—between having a chance to rebuild a relationship with a son he hasn’t seen in 20 years and attending a funeral–he’s chosen life and the future over the past. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I think your boyfriend is making the right decision.
I don’t know for sure what caused the rift between your boyfriend and his son, but in many divorce cases, children feel abandoned by the parent who moves out (usually the father). And those feelings of abandonment often lead to strained or non-existent relationships. It’s probably taken a lot of work for your boyfriend to reconnect with his son and I’m sure he’s concerned that canceling a planned trip would revive the young man’s feelings of abandonment and could undo—perhaps permanently—all of his efforts to rebuild that relationship.
Unfortunately, you’ll be grieving the loss of your father for a while, and I’m confident that your boyfriend will be there for you. At the same time, despite your grief, you need to encourage his budding relationship with his son. Supporting each other through difficult choices and challenges will strengthen your relationship with each other and give you the resilience you need to overcome—together—any and all obstacles that life puts in your path.
Previously published on Mr. Dad
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