A father tackles his young daughter’s query with an email that tells her to be true to herself.
It was a few minutes before bedtime. The room was dim and cozy and warm. I was sitting on the edge of the bed in my “tuck-in” position, ready for the goodnight kiss.
She had been reading the book about boys again. “Daddy, what do boys look for in a girl?” she asked.
I stammered some incoherent gibberish and proceeded to tuck her in, kiss, and move out of the room. The next day, I thought long and hard, and wrote her an email.
Dear Kaia,
Last night, when you asked me what boys look for in girls, I was a bit taken aback. You are growing so fast that I’m having a hard time keeping up with new issues you face each day.
Before I give you my response in this note, let me say how happy I am that you feel like you can talk to me about these new feelings and I hope there never comes a day when you don’t want to talk to me or ask me these questions. I might not always have the right answer or the answer you want, but I promise to be honest with you.
The first thing we have to remember is that we cannot or should not lump all boys or all girls together. We are all individual human beings regardless of our gender. So different boys want different things from different girls. And remember, sometimes boys are not looking for anything from girls, because they might like boys and girls might like girls.
I will think back to what I looked for in girls when I was young. I will tap into my thoughts about the topic as an adult, and I will share with you some of the observations I have made while teaching for the last fifteen years.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeFirst and foremost, what boys look for in a girl is a friend. They want someone who makes them feel comfortable and safe. They want to be loved, accepted and appreciated, but more importantly, boys want girls who are confident and comfortable with their own selves. They like girls who are open to the idea that they are growing, changing and exploring who they can be. Boys are looking for girls who do not act differently depending on who is around. They want girls they can lean on, so they don’t have to always act so tough.
Boys seek girls who have a diverse range of interests. They want girls who can play sports and love science, and skateboard and dance, and play in the mud and dress up like pop stars. They don’t care too much about how a girl looks or if she is pretty as long as she is comfortable with who she is. Boys look for girls who are powerful and brave, but also girls who don’t hesitate to ask for help.
Boys are looking for girls who are smart and like to read and watch movies—from Frozen to X-Men. They want girls who are not hung up on girl things or boy things, but focus more on fun things and exciting things. Boys are looking for girls who are passionate and enthusiastic. They want girls who are kind and funny, and girls who listen and offer suggestions without being controlling. Boys want girls who don’t try to change them, but accept them for who they are.
Boys like girls who understand that being a boy can be scary and confusing. They want girls who understand that boys are insecure and unsure of what to say and when to say it. That sometimes a boy will think about a phone call or a message for hours, trying to work up the courage to make contact, to say “I like you. Do you like me too?”
Boys are looking for girls who understand that they are terrified of rejection and this fear makes them act silly or hurtful. Boys need girls who understand that boys mature at a slower rate and so, they are often a few steps behind when it comes to dealing with emotions, understanding their bodies, and knowing how to be kind or loving.
Boys are looking at girls who can teach them how to be better boys, by allowing them to be whoever they need to be. Boys need girls who will remind them about physical boundaries and refute the notion that “boys will be boys”. They want girls who are not impressed by mean boys, and will not allow boys to hit them or act rough as a way of flirting.
But the problem is that different boys may be looking for different things, so it might not be the best idea to always worry about what a boy might be looking for in you. Because if that is what you are too worried about, you will always feel like you are not good enough.
The trick is to be true to yourself. Find your voice, your passion, your heart, and live your life in a way that makes you feel safe and happy and strong. Be kind and open and helpful. Be a good friend to lots of different people without trying to be what others need you to be. If you can stay true to your own nature, explore your own heart and mind, be brave and take risks, find a way to love yourself for everything you are, and be kind to yourself for all the things you are not, then you will be your true self.
This will not always be easy. There will be times when you feel scared and alone and unworthy. You may think that you need a boy or someone else to make you feel better about yourself, but if you tend the fire in your heart, it will help you rise out of the frost your mind may create at times. Many boys—and many girls too—will be drawn to this fire, this light in you, because what we are all looking for—young and old, boys and girls—are people who feed our souls and inspire us to be the best we can be.
To be this beacon of light may seem tough but it isn’t that complicated. Just be honest. Be kind. Be patient. Be the kind of friend you would want and treat people with love. You may find it hard sometimes to be good and you will be tested, but you have your whole life to get it right.
I’m sorry I responded via email, but your daddy is a writer. Sometimes, it is easier for me to shape my thoughts by using words. Good thing you are a reader and writer too. I can’t wait to see your responses as you grow older!
Love,
Daddy
Previously published on Intrepid Flame. Reprinted with permission.
◊♦◊
While I appreciate the effort here and clearly how hard you’re trying to raise a socially sensitive girl, I also believe you’re sending your daughter some heavily wrong messages and you are putting a lot on her plate at one time. As a woman, this letter reads as one giant wish list of being the perfect girl that will make boys like them. When you tell her, “boys want girls who are confident and comfortable with their own selves.” This kind of makes it seems like a girl should be comfortable and confident so that boys like her. Infact, this… Read more »
Wow. Let me start by saying thank you for such a comprehensive and thoughtful comment. I know it takes a lot of energy to engage online in these kinds of spaces, and I appreciate the fact that you have done so on my post. I also appreciate the fact that you acknowledged from the start that I had good intentions. You make some great points about how I prioritized female confidence and male vulnerability. A lot of what I wrote was actually a passive aggressive note to boys, one that I was a bit more specific on in my latest… Read more »