Boys pick their role models, Victoria Robertson writes, based on what they do, not on who they are.
The UK riots have prompted many to question the modern personification of, or indeed lack of, male role models in some young men’s lives. London’s hoodie-wearing looters brought up by single mothers, it is claimed, are emulating a gangsta-style behavior portrayed by rap artists. Is this true and would things be any better if, like girls, they wanted to be Lady Gaga?
Growing up in Ireland as a lone girl amongst a rugby team of brothers and male cousins, I was jealous of the heroes that boys could have. I had to be content with emptying the entire contents of a can of hairspray on my head on a daily basis, in an attempt to look like Farrah Fawcet in Charlie’s Angels. They could just bung a helmet on their mullet, jump on their BMX bikes, and they became Evil Knievel.
Jealousy of my brothers’ male role models came from feeling that their heroes were more about ‘doing’ than they were about ‘being.’ They had pictures of the Apollo landing on the moon, not posters of astronaut Neil Armstrong on their wall. For them, it was all about their heroes’ actions and their hardware but not them as an individual.
They might have wanted to sling a gun like a cowboy, but they didn’t want to actually be one.
There I was cutting the ends off black lace gloves, squeezing into boob tubes, confusingly singing “Like a Virgin” while dressing like a slut, all in an uncanny attempt to ‘be’ Madonna; there they were with Ferrari Testarossas on their walls. It was all so much more straightforward.
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While a generation of girls were growing up in the 1990’s wanting to ‘be’ Princess Diana, not a single sane male this side of Normalville would have quoted ‘Prince Charles’ as who they wanted to be when they grew up. Being a princess or a prince, indeed ‘being’ anyone, is too intangible for the male psyche. Do you want to be able to hit a ball like Derek Jeter? Yes. Do you want to actually ‘be’ Derek Jeter? I would argue, no.
This difference between where women and men seek their role models from is why we should be concerned about girls getting second-degree burns by putting fireworks in their training bras Lady Gaga style, but not why we should be blaming rappers for teenage male looters in Tottenham. Rap fans may want to have Jay Z’s flow and bling, but I don’t believe boys have the same direct copycat connection to their heroes as girls do. If they did, you would see thousands of boys dressed up like will.i.am and thankfully, you just don’t.
If male role models are more straightforward, tangible and connected, then who are they?
The answer is simple: other men within families and communities. The evidence is in the identikit sportswear worn by the male looters on the streets in London. They don’t want to look like pop stars or gangsters; they want to fit in by dressing like everybody else in their immediate vicinity.
What happens however when everyone blends in at gang level and there is no one around to step forward to inspire a more positive way of ‘doing?’
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Recent studies show that the number and quality of male role models in their community and family directly affects boys. In January 2011, the Prince’s Trust published its annual Macquire Youth Index, which measures the emotional health of young people in the United Kingdom.
They found that young men without positive role models (in their family or community) are three times more likely to lack a sense of belonging and to suffer from depression. With an index that is at its lowest level since it was first published, for some young men, positive male role models close to home are hard to find.
I am sure there are studies out there that could prove the same level of effect that female role models on the cover of magazines have on young women’s levels of self-esteem. It all adds to the same point, men and women mainly look for their role models in different places: back yard versus public arena.
I decided to test this theory on my own children. My 9-year-old son gave British daredevil explorer Bear Grylls as his hero; my 7-year-old daughter gave Carly from iCarly as hers. While my forehead banged off the kitchen table in despair at the banality of my daughter’s choice, I recognized that my son had chosen someone simply because he once heard his Dad say he was ‘brilliant.’ Monkey see, monkey do.
I was lucky growing up in the middle of all those boys. Having the chance to wear black-lace, fingerless gloves while also learning how to do a bunny hop on a BMX, I could balance all the danger and adventure of male role models with my heroines.
I think of this as I put up articles about Ellen MacArthur, the British yachtswoman who broke the world record for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe the year my daughter was born, on the wall next to the mind-numbing iCarly posters.
Do we need the same type of intervention for young boys? In the absence of good male role models on the ground, should we be sticking famous ones to their walls? Not a chance. Straightforward, tangible and connected role models are what young men respond to, and we just need to make them plentiful in their own back yards.
—Photo qthomasbower/Flickr
Well, I’m glad you took the time to comment, it reminds me that I need to choose my words with precision and that is the holy grail for my profession!
An objectionable turns of phrase and an objectionable suggestion… 1. “Being a princess or a prince, indeed ‘being’ anyone, is too intangible for the male psyche.” 2. “In the absence of good male role models on the ground, should we be sticking famous ones to their walls? Not a chance.” In the case of 1, I’d like to ask you what you think we men, with our very distinctively “male” psyches, feel and think when we read a deeply insightful biography. I, personally, have gotten the majority of my role models from men who I’ve neither heard nor seen but… Read more »
Michael P, Hmmm, your columnist is questioning her use of tone here, as I thought mine was one of admiration for the male psyche, rather than undermining it. In terms of point one, my argument isn’t that boys don’t get things that are intangible but rather that they get it and move on to something more worthwhile. Maybe I could have used a better word than “intangible” – perhaps “superficial”. In terms of point 2, I wholeheartedly agree, but I guess these kind of amazing role models need to sought out as they are not rammed down our throats by… Read more »
Victoria,
Ah! Now I can read that sentence as you meant to say it. You didn’t mean “too abstract”; I can see that now that you’ve made the meaning more concrete 😉 (har)
I’m sorry I took offense. Your message is good. It is good of you to join the ranks of people telling the rest of society that there need to be male role models in boys’ lives and not just on TV.
Hi there Things go from bad to worse depending on your mindset and your ability or inability to extract yourself from the “badness” that consumes you. That comment is not Gender dependent. From my experience the human condition knows no such thing as “neutral”. You are either making a conscious decision to create positive images in your head that nurture you, or you are engaging in positive physical activities that make you breath and glow…..no matter how bad your trauma has been…..not chasing the positive allows you to slide into the negative. Speaking of which Quantas Airlines have taken the… Read more »
So I assume you’d advocate ending the bias in the family courts that removes role models (fathers, a word you for some strange reason did not mention) from children’s lives.
Yes, Things Are Bad, your assumption is right. My personal experience is that both parents have equal right to be judged to be the ‘best parent’, regardless of sex. I don’t believe a mother should have the automatic right and unless either parent is proved to be unfit neither should be removed by a court from a child’s life. You are right, I did avoid the term ‘fathers’. It was in part, I suppose, a freudian slip: I was not brought up by my biological father and therefore have experienced how loving bonds and role models can be found outside… Read more »