Why dads are uniquely important in the delivery of the sex talk.
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For many households, gone are the days where fathers are the main breadwinners while mothers stay home to raise children on their own. Often women and men are equals in household and childrearing responsibilities, including cooking, cleaning and carpooling to name a few. But talking to sons and daughters about healthy sexuality? That’s still not something we usually identify as a fatherly or male duty.
And yet it should be.
In a recent interview, “Girls & Sex” author Peggy Orenstein speaks to the rarity of fathers talking to their daughters about this uncomfortable subject. As part of her research, Orenstein attended purity balls during which girls, accompanied by their fathers, vow to remain “pure” until they enter into a biblical marriage. While Orenstein admittedly didn’t like the message these events send, she was moved that fathers were communicating with their daughters about sex at all. In other communities, Orenstein found the alternative was mothers talking to their children to a limited extent about birth control, consent or disease protection – but “fathers said basically nothing.”
This is concerning, as studies show that fathers may uniquely influence the sexual behavior of their children. As researcher Vincent Guilamo-Ramos, a professor of social work at New York University explains, “Fathers may parent in ways that differ from mothers, and therefore represent an additional opportunity to support adolescent health and well-being.”
Still, you may ask, why can’t we leave the birds and the bees to sex-ed professionals who are trained to talk to teenagers about this stuff?
The fact is that children receive messages from the world around them about sexuality at a very young age, and parents’ reactions to sexual behaviors and words can stick with children and help shape their views of sexuality for years to come.
In particular, talking to children about sexuality can help prevent sexual abuse. By providing them with information on boundaries, what respectful interactions look like, and clear language to tell someone, we provide a trusting and open environment where children feel safe asking for help. And kids whose parents talk to them about sexuality are more likely to delay intercourse and practice safer sex when they do become sexually active. Talking to children about sexuality doesn’t give them permission to have sex – but it does ensure they have the information needed to act in a healthy, responsible manner when they do.
With the serious and widespread issue of sexual violence affecting many individuals before they reach adulthood, it’s incredibly important that we have these conversations with our children early and often. Twenty-one percent of female and 10 percent of male high school students who date reported experiencing physical and/or sexual violence from a dating partner in the last 12 months. And 23 percent of women and 15 percent of men who reported physical or sexual violence or stalking from an intimate partner said they first experienced this violence before age 18. Having the perspective of fathers and other male caregivers can only help.
Educating boys at a young age is especially important. In a recent op-ed, Detroit Lions linebacker Deandre Levy describes how he was unaware of what consent really meant and uninformed about the topic of sexual assault in general for a long time, largely because sexual assault is so frequently talked about as a women’s issue and responsibility. Boys and men who don’t hear from their caregivers otherwise will take these unfortunate misperceptions as fact.
But we have the opportunity to change that. And, with boys looking to male role models for cues on how to behave, there’s even more reason for fathers to step up to the plate. It’s never too late to start these conversations.
As parents, we want to help our children become individuals capable of changing the world for the better. This Father’s Day, one way to do that is to have a conversation with your children about healthy sexuality. We know this is far from easy, but it’s so very important. Fathers and mothers share a lot of important roles these days when it comes to raising their children, and talking to them about healthy sexuality must be one of them.
Photo: Flickr/Randen Pedersen
Delilah Rumburg is the Chief Executive Officer of the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) and the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape (PCAR), the fiduciary for NSVRC. The center leads the U.S. in helping individuals, communities and service providers prevent and respond to sexual violence by creating research-based resources in collaboration with issue experts. To learn more, go to www.nsvrc.org.