This Mother of 3 is haunted by the trauma of her deliveries. She needs her husband to be more open about it, but it will take time.
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In this series, Brian Gawlack responds to letters from Parents-in-need.
Dear Dad,
OK here’s my situation: I have 3 children, I had a very traumatic birth with our last child (7 months ago) he was born at 30 weeks because of a previa/accreta and a long nicu stay. I had a c section, hysterectomy, and half my intestines removed. I’m 24 so emotionally this is one of the bigger things that I’ve been through. I am part of groups and all that but I still have my rough days. My husband is part of the “it’s done and over with committee” I’ve asked him his feelings and how it was for him and he’s simple and says it was scary but you’re alive so who cares. I’m really struggling with him dismissing my feelings that way. I can’t just get over it. I can’t even drive past the hospital because I start to shake and the night terrors and sleep walking are a whole other ball game. I’m trying every day to move on but how do I get him to understand how hard this is for me and it won’t happen over night? I could really use another man’s perspective.
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Dear ‘Won’t happen overnight’,
I have the unique pleasure of currently being 1100 miles away from where our “hell” took place: the hospital in which my wife had congestive heart failure after giving birth to our twins. Unfortunately for us, this hospital was located directly across the street from our area’s mall and I was forced to drive by it more than once-in-a-while (and incompetence on their part led to said heart failure, so it was a mix of emotions each time we drove by). Anytime I would get off the highway exit and click on the left signal to turn to the mall, I would glare at that place with such venomous anger and resentment, and sheer and utter sadness, sense of loss and defeat, and treacherous emotions that were uncharacteristic of what I believe, stand for, or who I am. I was lucky enough to move far enough away where I will never have the appropriate PTSD reaction when forced to see “where it happened” again anytime soon.
I am not like most men – I was raised to be very vocal about my thoughts and feelings, as one of my “parents” was a psychologist who believed in the importance of, and insisted on my doing so. I do not pretend that your husband and I are similar creatures, except for the fact that we are both men. As a man, I understand men are taught (through direct teaching and in the zeitgeist that defines us) that we are to be strong, invulnerable, impervious, infallible, protective heroes – THAT is our job as men. If we ever deviated from those requirements for our ‘man cards’, we could be seen as weak, non men, non alpha, gulp – other words (that any man reading this knows what I’m talking about but I will not write because those words are THAT ugly, all of which I have been called more than once).
We can NOT be THAT man, so we validate what happened, in the only way we know how: “It is scary, but you are alive.” Then we ‘man up’ and say what we’ve been told we MUST say: “It is done and over with – you are alive so who cares?” This statement is not shunning YOU, but shunning our own experience of things.
He does care.
Period.
He’s been trained not to express it. I am not, ‘Overnight’, giving him a free pass to be non empathetic or non supportive of your plight. I will, however, attest to the fact that he will never be able to externally or vocally go through the experience in the same way as you. I predict the two of you will never have a life altering sit down conversation where the two of you dry each other’s tears and finish each other’s sentences. There is nothing wrong with that not happening, and it does not mean he is not going through what you are, or not “being there” for you.
My advice is to have him read this post. Sir, your wife has been through hell and you have been through hell. She is feeling desperate and alone and needs you to communicate with her. I know that you feel if you were to cry, or to break down in any way, it would feel ‘weak’. What I think you do not realize is that sometimes your wife, who DEPENDS on your strength and ability to get through a crisis, ALSO needs you to break down sometimes. You need to tell her exactly what you are feeling – and felt – and not in the ‘it wasn’t the worst case scenario’ way, but in TRUTH – tell her what you feared would happen. You need to tell her your thoughts about being so young, and now limited in terms of your family. You need to describe the moment when you thought she would die, because I KNOW you did. Tell her about that specific moment – Cry, sir, IN FRONT OF HER. Sometimes it takes a ‘real man’ to cry in front of his partner and admit that he is, in fact, as devastated as she is for him to be the TRUE hero. It sometimes takes admitting you are not impervious to truly break through to your partner and become a TRUE pillar of support.
I promise you, sir, that if you do what I have recommended, it will open up a door of communication with your wife that was not only closed, but sealed shut with a hint of resentment and total appall. It is not your fault that your wife felt resentful or appalled, but it will be yours if you can’t communicate with her what you are feeling by everything you have gone through. If you can break through that, sir? The sky is the limit in your marriage – you are a united front and are communicating with each other and can weather any storm.
I am sending good thoughts, energy, and prayers to you all. Please keep us updated.
–Brian
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My husband is not a sharer when it comes to feelings. I agree with the author, just because he isn’t articulating does not mean he isn’t effected or experiencing it. Talk to him about how you feel and what you need him to say that will make you feel better.
I so completely agree with you, Sarah! If you have specific expectations of your spouse, ADVISE your spouse what those expectations are. This question presents a tricky situation because they have both been through the wringer and are both hurting. I hope she sees this here, or where it was originally published and shares it with her husband, and he considers what I wrote. He can’t be who he is not, but owes her words which describe his experience to the best of his ability.
My heart goes out to you, writer, and to you, Dena. I’ve been through a traumatic birth as well and the effects lasted a very long time. My husband was a great support, so I was lucky in that, but I think that for most men, being vulnerable is really difficult. Heck, for women, too. It’s terrifying what you went through and support can come from many people or groups. It’s really necessary to seek out people who have been through what you experienced. I would suggest a group for your husband, too, if he’s willing. He truly may need… Read more »
Thank you Jennifer. I have heard horror stories over the past six years and know that we are not alone, and agree it helps to be able to talk to others who have been through similar situations. I would love if you could share some links to the online support you received. Good thoughts and energy to you!
My experience is slightly different, but terribly similar. I gave birth twice through emergency c-sections. They were very scary, and with the first, my husband was suited up and left in the hall when they realized that they had to put me out and go in right away. No one went to let him know what was happening for OVER AN HOUR! Last he had heard, he would be escorted in to witness the birth with me as soon as they had me prepped. He thought he had lost both of us, and when they did remember him in the… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your story, Dena. I am so sorry you had to go through that, and can’t even imagine the eternity it must have felt like for your husband. Thank you for supplying the link, as I think PPD is something she should rule out as well. Good thoughts and energy to you!