Do the words “Co-Parenting” send you into a tailspin or even give you nightmares? I have been divorced from my first wife since 2008. At one point years after the divorce, a judge informed us that we needed to work on our Co-Parenting skills. A judge recognized in less than a day that we were not serving our son in a positive manner.
What is true co-parenting? In my opinion, it is doing what is best for the kids. It is that simple of a definition. Putting each of your differences aside. This is not about he said/she said and who is a better parent. Honestly, these were lessons I had to learn after my divorce.
Even today my former wife can get in my head of “renting space” when I am feeling that I am a bad dad. For example is consistently struggling financially. Not being a good provider to not just my son but my wife and the girls. When you see your former spouse purchasing a new car or taking a trip. These make me feel inadequate. Do you suffer this too?
Along with the words co-parenting there is something else you will need to really focus on. This is not going to be easy. This is going to be similar to exercise as the more you workout the better at this task you will become. You will also need to be very mentally focused because the outcome could be where you will want to scream into your pillow. You will need to even be a (dare I type the word?) “adult.” Keep reading and you will understand your new focus.
As I stated, co-parenting is not about you. Co-parenting is only about your kid’s and their best interest. Have there been examples in your life when your former spouse did something that really made you mad? Did you pick up the phone to tell them what they did wrong? Did you fire off an email with words that would have made a military person blush?
I know what you are about to read is not going to be easy. I had to go through this and with support from my wife Ann it made my life even better. Oh, please be sitting down for this or even take a deep breath as well.
Taking the “high road” is all about doing the right thing. Many times I wanted to send a scathing email to my former wife in response to her email of how I did something wrong with our son during my weekend.
One example was the time I attempted to help Connor out with his homework and apparently, every answer was wrong! The email from the former wife was one where I would have printed it out and put it up on my refrigerator with a gold star. I did not take the high road on this and it was almost World War Three.
My personal struggle was a question I posed to both Ann and myself. It was a soul-searching question of “Am I sticking up for myself?” In my mind’s eye, the feeling was that taking the high road meant that I was rolling over and letting the other person win but that is not the case. Realistically it was just doing the right thing.
Early on after the divorce, I was the raging ex-husband. The one who would calmly be on the phone talking to my son and then after asking to speak to his mother, the Hulk came out.
Just a side note, in the next chapter you will read about my battles of depression. This had a major impact on how I needed to see a better future even when life was nothing more than a daily negative fog inside my mind.
Once there was a time after dropping Connor off at the “neutral” site I almost hit the former wife’s car. Later that day her nasty email that she sent afterword’s about the incident was, well I very much so deserved that message. See I am far from perfect. WAY, way of being perfect.
Why does a somewhat “normal” person do such a thing? Could it be Jealousy? A sick way of revenge? The way I would frame my actions is of a biter-fired employee. Not only was I let go, but also I saw my replacement. Along with all of these feelings, there was a sense of hatred. I hated the former wife because my feeling was that she gave up on our family while trying to work it out.
Couples going through therapy do not get divorced was a phrase I played in my head over and over again. We were “working on” our marriage so eventually the words from your soon to “ex” or “former” spouse of “I want a divorce” never entered my head. Then again “Couples going through therapy do not get divorced.” Haha NOT!
Do you have stories too about your bad behavior? The bigger question is are you still acting out towards your former spouse? My mom said it took about ten years before her and my dad could actually have a civil conversation. At the writing of this book, I am on year nine of my divorce and can only communicate with my former spouse through email.
I watch in amazement of my wife Ann and how she has grown by leaps and bounds dealing with her former husband. Ann can even have a conversation either in person or on the phone with her former husband.
My former spouse uses email because she keeps records of our conversations. I learned the hard way because of ending up in court (more on that story coming up in this chapter). Word to the wise, keep your emails (I am NOT a lawyer, just saying).
When you feel like acting out against your former spouse is there a certain trigger? Maybe it is when you are picking up or dropping off your kids. The next question is what are you going to do to stop acting out? I would like to offer some ideas to help you deal with those moments and maybe healthier choices:
- Learn meditation. I use the app Headspace.
- Take a walk or go for a run.
- Use journaling to get your feelings out.
- Socialize with friends or find a Meet Up group.
- Look for volunteer opportunities.
- Take up a new hobby or even a new business.
- Live in gratitude. Be grateful that you have your kids.
What would you add to this list? I look forward to reading or hearing what you have used to help with your own sanity.
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