What is a father to do when the rules seem sexist? Alison Tedford interviews Jef Rouner about this very issue.
–
This is a story about a sundress that ended up being much more than just a sundress. Once upon a time, Jef Rouner’s daughter wore it to school. She once proudly wore it to church. It was long enough to completely cover her legs. At the end of the school day, her wardrobe had changed. Her shoulders were covered, with jeans slid under her dress. Spaghetti straps were against the rules, as it turns out, and the redundant jeans were her punishment. An accomplished author, the horrified father penned a blog post defending her honor and speaking truth to school dress code power. Jef took time to talk to me about what happened.
Alison Tedford: Tell me about your daughter. What’s she like? How does she generally respond to criticism?
Jef Rouner: She is an only child who doesn’t like being wrong. She’s sure of herself and always knows the answer. She’s kind, energetic and articulate. She enjoys Dr. Who and Disney.
AT: How does she feel about all the attention that came from this story going viral? Did you expect this?
JR: She’s unaffected; the attention doesn’t really bother her. I didn’t expect the story to take off the way it did. I’ve done a lot of feminist parenting pieces over the years so I didn’t anticipate this one, in particular, would take off.
AT: What kind of response have you received?
JR: 99% of comments have been supportive. Even some negative feedback was coming from a good place. I received fifteen tweets from someone about why it’s important to police shoulders to protect my daughter from pedophiles. When I am asked what I am doing to protect her, I want to ask, “What are you doing to discourage rape culture and tell people not to leer at my daughter?” It makes more sense to leave bullets out of the gun than expect women to walk around in full body armor.
AT: What kind of insight has this given to you as a man about women’s experiences online and with body shaming?
JR: I write a lot about feminist issues and rape culture. I don’t speak for women. I speak about how I feel about what they say about themselves, about their stories. It was disheartening to hear how common this is, that people feel the need to project their own values on women’s bodies and what they wear. Men aren’t subject to the same level of scrutiny. I worry that if it’s starting at kindergarten, it’s going to happen all my daughter’s life.
The reality is that kids are growing all the time and something they loved three months ago will fit differently. It’s arbitrary to label something indecent. It’s also an economic issue because her clothes are bought for the year. It’s an entitled attitude to expect someone to change to fit your definition of decency.
For those who have said that dress codes prepare children to dress appropriately in other situations, I am not compelled to send my daughter to situations where dress code is an issue, but I am compelled to send her to school for an education.
There are so many arbitrary rules, rules we don’t even realize we make. Sexism is like atoms. Individually the pieces don’t matter but they grow into something bigger.
AT: What are you hoping will come of this story?
JR: I wanted to shine a light on how early body shaming starts. We tell girls they are responsible for other people’s reactions and distractions. We tell them they are a deterrent to education based on how they are dressed. This is an opportunity for conversation. I’m asked, “What happens when she’s 13?” and I’m unmoved, because at that point, who’s the jerk to sexualize a pre-teen body?
There is an idea of entitlement to an acknowledgment of arousal and that clothing protects from rape. Rape happens in tropical nations where people don’t wear much and also in places where people are covered up.
I’m not the first to say any of this. Moms write about this all the time. People pay attention to a man’s opinion, so I’m unfortunately benefitting from the very thing I’m speaking out against.
AT: What experience do you have writing about women’s issues? Given this story is so personal, how was that different for you?
JR: I know a lot of rape victims. I’m used to that area of pain and the fact that it’s mine in this instance doesn’t change anything. Hurt is hurt no matter whom it belongs to. A good writer helps you feel something for someone you never met who is experiencing something you never have.
AT: Obviously this is about more than just a sundress. What are the biggest lessons you have taken away from this experience?
JR: People are used to the rules. They are used to living by codes they didn’t devise, examine or consider. We are all busy. You wake up one day and you realize the negative messages you are reinforcing through language. “Pussy” is used to describe weakness. The lesson is learning to change culture one word, one dress, one thought at a time. The reality is that people don’t want to believe something is wrong. Everyone is convinced of his or her own rightness, with each generation sure they have it right.
AT: You talked about encouraging your daughter to ask why in the face of rules that don’t make sense. How do you even begin to explain this to a five-year-old? How has this shaped how you as a father talk to your daughter about her body?
JR: Three months ago I bought her a book called I Am Rosa Parks. It was easy to explain, “Here’s a time when they had rules and they were bullshit.” She’s familiar with rules being sometimes stupid and decides not to follow stupid rules. Through that book, she learned about a time where someone in charge was wrong and something changed to correct it. There is a reason “appeal to authority” is an acknowledged logical fallacy. We live in a country founded by folks who rejected rules. You can’t live in that country and tell someone to put a sweater on when it doesn’t hurt anyone.
AT: You’ve got a platform and an incredible willingness and ability to advocate for your daughter. What’s your advice to everyday parents who face this issue with their own kids?
JR: Discuss it with your kids. Discuss it with other parents. Discuss it with anyone who will listen. I was worried at first because I didn’t want to fight. Don’t be afraid to bring up what feels awkward. Don’t be afraid to prepare your kids to do so. People are happy to make unfair rules to make them feel better. The world is how it is now for refusing to look at those things.
AT: I’m sure this has been incredibly draining and emotionally exhausting. Is it worth it?
JR: Yes. I feel good about using my platform to do some good. I don’t regret it. I will keep writing about feminist parenting because I enjoy it. Sometimes you write things just so they exist. I can’t fix it but I can punch it in the face and make it take a step back.
◊♦◊
Photo: Jef Rouner/Houston Press
Read Jef’s original blog post here. He can also be read here and here.
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
There’s nothing sexual about anything worn by a 5-year-old, period. That’s the first ridiculous thing about this, because if you think “dressing modestly or “dressing immodestly” has any bearing or meaning at all on the life of someone so young, you’re pretty much unhinged. Then too, I don’t know why spaghetti straps are OK for adults, but not for teens or children. The rules are arbitrary, and it’s simply not possible for my daughter to always be “good” by everyone’s standards, but that’s their problem, not hers. I won’t ask her to internalize other peoples idiocy. Also, Erin, to acknowledge… Read more »
What Rouner fails to mention is the school dress code also prohibits boys from wearing tank tops, for the same reason that girls can’t wear spaghetti straps, they don’t want kids wearing clothes that expose the shoulders, back, or chest. It’s not about “sexism” let alone “sexualization”, school’s purpose is to prepare students for life in the real world. At most jobs, there is some sort of dress code. That standard may vary widely by industry or employee or position, and I am sure there are some employers that are okay with spaghetti straps or tank tops, but most aren’t… Read more »
It isn’t body shaming. It is modesty and not making little boys think about things they shouldn’t be. And yes, they will just like girls do. While I don’t see anything wrong with the dress personally, if it is against dress code don’t send her in it.
You know, there was a time, on the beach, little girls could run around in just bottoms with no tops and there were no sexual thoughts about it. There were times when parents could take pictures of their kids naked, and people didn’t flip out about it. Come on Penny, you honestly don’t see how this is shaming girls to believe their bodies are something they should be hiding? We let little boys run around all the time without shirts, but letting pre-pubescent girls do the same would be seen as something sexual. You can teach your daughter modesty, infact,… Read more »
This has nothing to do with girls’ modesty, or not distracting little boys, as Cy-Fair ISD also prohibits boys from wearing shoulder-baring tank tops. It’s about a reasonable minimum standard of dress that was equitably applied to students of all genders that Rouner misrepresented and overreacted to in order to try to make himself look like a grand champion of feminism.
Such a great piece, Jef. And yes, you’re getting extra points for being a man who says these things but I say Bravo to that. It’s giving permission to other men and fathers to say, “This is my issue, too. I care about the messages we send little girls. This is not just my wife’s or a mom’s domain.”
“I’m not the first to say any of this. Moms write about this all the time. People pay attention to a man’s opinion, so I’m unfortunately benefitting from the very thing I’m speaking out against.”
For me, this was a key point. When you make comments as a woman, there is a lot of belittlement that happens. I am not saying it doesn’t happen to men too at times, but I do think that men are taken more seriously and are more listened to when they speak up vs when women do.
Great piece!
It depends on the topic really. Points on women’s issues are still taken more seriously from men than points from men about men’s issues.
Gosh I love the main point about questioning the rules since they are mostly made up and bullshit. Some have merit and every person gets to decide for themselves which ones do or don’t for themselves. But first they have to have the freedom to ask and be given a meaningful and thoughtful answer. Great article.