Joanna Schroeder finally revealed to her children just how much of a maniac she truly is.
I just officially taught my children how to completely overreact and behave like maniacs.
We saw a huge spider in the kitchen. In our house, we have a policy to never kill anything that isn’t trying to hurt us. So Izz went at it with a cup, and I had a piece of paper to put under the cup to escort this spider outside. The spider was 3 inches long. I’m not being dramatic. It was 3 inches.
The spider jumped away from the cup and ran away, top speed. This is where things got totally out of control. I screamed at the top of my lungs and climbed on top of the table.
Mind you, I’m not a freaker-outer. Honestly, I am not. So at that moment, both kids witnessing my screaming started screaming. Then I screamed again, and they screamed again. We were all on top of the table. The spider had run deeper into the living room, presumably under the couch.
So, how did I teach the kids to be complete maniacs? I made them help me take the entire couch apart (including flipping it upside down), strip the covers off, then put it back together, move the coffee table and sweep under the other couch… Apparently, that’s what did it, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Next thing I knew, having given up, I looked over at the basket full of kids’ shoes and there he was. Staring at me. I said, quietly, “There he is.”
The kids stood on the coffee table. I picked up Izz’s shoe. They wanted me to kill him. I didn’t want to kill him. I felt bad. But I was so afraid! I screamed as I took aim and then chickened out. They screamed in response.
Finally Izz came forward and took the shoe from me. “Mom, just let me do this. Don’t be such a little girl.”
Then I realized that I had to be the one to do it, because I couldn’t let my 8 year old suddenly have a memory of having to take care of something for his mother. I was so afraid I’d miss it, that it would run away, that I would never be able to enter the living room again. And so I made them run to get one of their dad’s shoes (size 14) from the bedroom so I’d have a better chance.
So I gave in and killed it. It would’ve run deeper into the shoes had I not and I would’ve been outside in the dark with my kids dumping out every shoe. And screaming.
So, it’s dead. And my kids are watching Phineas and Ferb and all is well. Except now my kids know how much of a freak their mother is.
(A fact I’d been hiding).