“What you’re doing speaks so loudly I can hardly hear a word you’re saying.”
These words, first captured by master motivator Earl Nightingale, sum up the relationship between your child and you.
It doesn’t matter what kind of promises you make, how good the tickets are at the baseball game, or how much pizza and ice cream you’re letting your kid eat (out of mom’s sight, of course).
What really matters, from your child’s perspective, is how much attention you are paying him or her.
We parents often take a funny attitude towards the time we spend with our kids. It could be summed up this way: “I’m here, aren’t I? What more do you want?”
In other words, we figure that as long as we are physically present, at the movies, at the Little League game, in the restaurant, or wherever we happen to be, that’s all that Junior needs or requires.
It’s a little like that sign that you sometimes see people’s cubicles – “I know you want me to be here for eight hours, but on top of that, you expect me to work?”
Your kid wants you.
And you aren’t you when you’re texting, Facebooking, checking scores, or working.
Think back to your own childhood. To what extent was your father present with you?
If your dad was old-school, you didn’t see that much of him, and when you did see him, you didn’t have that much of him.
Or maybe you had a New Age Sensitive Guy for a father.
When you put your device away, you get to experience time—and therefore the world—the same way your child does.
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He might have been too much of a presence, constantly taking your emotional temperature, overdoing it; perhaps subconsciously making up for whatever deficiencies he remembered from the way he was parented.
Good news: there’s a Goldilocks-like middle ground.
This is it: When you’re with your kid, be with your kid.
Don’t multitask. If you’re on your device, you’re saying, “Anything that I find on my phone or tablet, whether it’s a text, a tweet, a Facebook post, or anything else, is more important than what you are saying, thinking, or doing.”
When you were growing up, parents didn’t have an addiction to portable devices, because there were no such things.
In our world, we can’t get enough of that dopamine rush we enjoy every time we see something new online.
We don’t just like our devices—we love them to the point where we have crossed that invisible line and we are actually addicted to the variety of stimuli that they provide.
So put the bleeping thing down.
Remember also that the natural way children experience time is that it’s vast and endless, not thin-sliced into tiny bits that have to be filled with some useful purpose, which is how we adults look at life.
It’s also going to be extremely hard to limit the amount of screen time your kids have if you can’t limit your own.
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When you put your device away, you get to experience time—and therefore the world—the same way your child does.
You might be saying, “But if I did that, I’ll be late for whatever I have to do next.”
So what? Tell them you were playing with your kid, and that’s why you’re late.
Who on earth would fault you for that?
It’s also going to be extremely hard to limit the amount of screen time your kids have if you can’t limit your own.
The important thing is that your children will never be this small again. This is the time to build bonds with them.
They may not remember the specific fact that you holstered your iPhone when you took them out to play, or to watch their Pop Warner game, or whatever.
But you will have taught them an even more important lesson—that they matter, and that they are worthy of love and attention.
And if all this is too much to remember, just keep in mind Earl Nightingale’s words, “What you’re doing speaks so loudly I can hardly hear a word you’re saying.”
In fact, that might be the only bit of parenting guidance that a dad will ever need.
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Photo: Getty Images