The start of love
I lay there in the hospital on the most uncomfortable cot known to man. I could feel every curve and edge of every spring and wire through the wafer-thin mattress. The blanket that covered me was just as thin but fluffy, causing me to have to nip molted blanket fibers from my mouth. Those hospital cots were clearly not designed for anyone taller than a hobbit, since my feet dangled off the end. Thankfully, my blue complementary hospital socks kept my exposed feet warm.
That night I did not sleep well, not due to a lack of sheep to count, but rather because of my awkward sleeping situation, as described above, but also my overwhelming excitement. Earlier that day, the fossa ovalis (or hole) closed up in a little girl’s heart. Her tiny fluid-filled lungs drained as they drew in her first breaths of oxygen. The black-haired girl’s eyes popped opened and dozily studied her new world. Her name was Lilly, and she was my daughter.
There is a unique relationship between a father and daughter, and it is not uncommon for a daughter to often get what she wants from her father. His tough exterior seems to melt away like snow on a warm winter day. Fathers can try to fight it, but many times, that little girl with her superpowers wins the battle. It is essential to balance this aspect since we don’t want to raise narcissistic and entitled brats. We wouldn’t want a world of narcissistic people; that would be terrible. Can you imagine there was such a thing as people who cared only about themselves? Oh wait, we do have that! Ugh.
I love my daughter and would do anything for her, maybe not murder, but close. When she was little, we would hold hands, not so much now, since she cares about appearances and being cool. But it was beautiful to hold her hand and her to look up at me and smile. Those were such special times, stamped on my heart, and I am reminded of them every time it beats, like a pebble in your shoe, constant and always present, but in a good way, of course! Her smile made my world shine brighter than the sun. Everything of consequence became inconsequential.
When my daughter was around six years old, she broke her collarbone. She had been sitting on a chair the wrong way, leaned back, and fell onto a concrete floor. A cast, therefore, hindered her for a few weeks. Watching her play, sleep, and try to eat with an injured arm at a ninety-degree angle was rather sad. Occasionally, she would forget that she had an injury and would try to move her arm in an impossible direction, causing her face to register her pain. I felt her discomfort, and I shared her pain. When our child is sick, don’t we want to flick a switch and make them better? When the people we love the most are in pain or discomfort, in some magical psychosomatic way, we feel it too, like they are part of our very own body.
Life starts to change
Life goes on, and due to unavoidable circumstances. Lilly is now one of those children unfortunately that is shuffled between divorced parent’s homes every other weekend. We make the most of it; we go to the beach, museums, the zoo, hikes, fishing, movies, cook and bake together, play puzzles, and do crafts.
Those weekends and special days during school vacation are monumentally precious to us both. But of course, the higher up the trees of joy you are, the greater the fall back to earth. Having to say goodbye at the end of the weekend is like a knife piercing the heart and then it is twisted and then it is pushing it in a little further and then being twisted a little more. (Broken, run-on sentence for dramatic effect) At times, I think I was more emotional than her, which I was able to conceal. Note to men. Never underestimate the power of a good cry, it’s like shedding a coat made of concrete.
So this was life for Lilly and me for many years, and as I said, we made the most of it. As a father, you dream of watching your daughter grow into a wonderful and beautiful young lady. You are there for the good times, as well as the bad times, you share in her laughs, and you hug her when she is sad.
The Grimm Reaper
In December of 2019, in Wuhan China, one of the worse viruses to hit humanity was born. It felt like the movie Contagion (oops, copyright infringement? No, it’s not a Star Wars reference. ‘Star Wars!’ Dang it, I’ve just said it twice now!) had just become something real and not a Matt Damon movie.
This pandemic had affected every country globally and, therefore, almost every person in this world. COVID-19 was not just happening in some far off place like Timbuktu, that’s a real place by the way, I wikied it, but its effects are being felt in every corner of the planet. (There are no corners in a sphere, by the way, stupid expression. Note to self, write an essay on nonsensical phrases). It is happening EVERYWHERE and affecting EVERYONE.
It has even affected my daughter and me. No, neither of us has been infected so far. Let me explain. I have continued to work through this pandemic, which means every day leaving the safety of my virus-free home and venturing out into the Covid world. Sure, my company has taken all kinds of precautions, but all it takes is touching one infected surface or breathing in a few infected droplets. It’s devastating and insidious, like a deadly gas that can’t be seen or smelled. The virus has driven a wedge between my daughter and me. She lives next to her grandparents, who have many health problems and are advanced in age. Her mother has taken time off work, and her stepfather works from home. This leaves me as the public health enemy number one.
Visits to my house have ended. We have found time to see each other but at a distance, a quick hello outside her house, or a socially distanced walk on her street — no weekends staying at my home, no date nights, no dinners, no hugs or kisses. The lockdown had robbed us of treasured memories. All I’m left with is that pebble in my shoe, old memories, but not new ones. Lilly is growing up and experiencing new things and adventures without her stepmother and me. When will it be safe again to have my daughter stay in my home?!
I always thought that I would watch my daughter grow up. That’s what fathers do, even divorced fathers. I should be there for all her ups and downs, her failures, and her accomplishments. But now, I see them from a distance, like a fisherman in his boat a few hundred yards from the shore. Close, but yet so far away.
A new life for us all
I think 2020 was difficult for all of us. We all had to learn new skills, a new way of life, and new rules. We have been bombarded with new problems and, therefore, sometimes unfamiliar feelings such as grieve, fear, isolation, and loss, to name a few.
This virus has caused us to be absent at funerals of people we love. It has forced victims to die with no loved ones around them except for nurses and doctors playing temporary foster families. It has robbed us of vacations with our families. It has caused some to be imprisoned 24 hours a day with a violent mate. Sick love that makes abused people say, ‘but I love him.’ The idea of love is fractured. Love that can’t be physically felt through a hospital window or via zoom. Love that can’t be expressed by hugging and holding a son or daughter’s hand.
What had Covid done for us
Covid-19 is like the grim reaper to love. Love is meant to make the world go round. Covid, therefore, has swung his deadly sickle through the throat of love and caused this blue planet to cease spinning.
Quick science lesson. What would happen if the world stopped going around? Oceans would all move to the north and south poles causing ocean levels to drop by four miles. We would have six months of sunlight and six months of darkness. Temperatures would rise drastically, throwing the ecosystem into catastrophic chaos, killing all animal and plant life.
So the pandemic equals broken love, equals the death of old love, equals the world stops spinning, equals the end of every living thing. Thanks a lot, Covid!! The faster you die, the faster we can go back to old love, hugging, kissing, and holding hands.
…
Robbie Sheerin was born in Scotland and is a quality inspector who enjoys classic sci-fi. He is inspired by such writers as Asimov, Bradbury, Serling, and Dan Brown. Robbie is married with one daughter and lives in New England. He writes in his spare time and has been published in numerous online journals and magazines. Find him on Medium and also LinkedIn.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.