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The only thing Doyin Richards wanted to do was get his daughter ready for school. He had no idea the viral outrage that would cause.
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Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was one of the best orators in the history of the world and was one of the Top 10 Americans ever. Believe me, I’m not comparing myself to a legend like Dr. King, but I’m going to share my version of the “I Have A Dream” speech with all of you.
Before I start, let me give you some background.
Most of you know this, but I’m taking the month of October off from my corporate job for baby bonding with my 3-month old daughter. It’s a lot of work being a stay at home parent, but it’s so damn rewarding. My baby girl smiles at me nonstop these days and I know it’s attributed to the one-on-one time I’m spending with her. It’s a blast.
One morning last week, my wife was running late for work and was worried that she wouldn’t be able to get my older daughter’s hair done before I had to take her to school. I told her that she could leave and I’d handle it. She countered by saying that doing her hair requires attention and the baby would get upset if I left her alone while I played the role of stylist. Again, I told her that I’d handle it. On the way out she said, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
That’s when I put the baby in the Ergo carrier, stood my older daughter on a stool and worked my hair magic. During the process, I thought, “There’s no way my wife will believe me if I don’t take a picture of this.” That’s when I set my camera up, put it on a 10-second timer, and took the photo you’re looking at right now. After 15 minutes of multitasking, the final result was a nice, tight ponytail for big sister and a happily sleeping baby in the carrier. Mission accomplished. I emailed the photo to her with the caption “Boom.” and we both got a good laugh out of it.
The calm before the internet storm…
Little did I know how interesting things were about to become.
After eating some breakfast, I figured I’d post the picture on the Daddy Doin’ Work Facebook and Twitter feeds. Within hours, the picture went viral (well, at least “viral” for me). At last check, the photo was shared over 4,800 times, received over 3,000 comments, and was liked over 190,000 times. The photo was also “borrowed” by at least 13,164 Facebook pages before I could watermark it (OK, maybe not 13,164 Facebook pages…it was probably closer to 23,164 Facebook pages) That was a head-scratcher for me, because I never experienced something like this since I started blogging.
Doyin Richards I Have a Dream
The reactions, comments, and emails I received ranged from the overwhelmingly positive to the downright nasty. But as I went through everything, I had a chance to reflect on what I hope for the future. Let’s do this.
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I have a dream that insecure dads will spend less time hating on good dads and more time on getting their own shit together. I’d say 95% of the dads who follow me are actively involved in their kids’ lives and view parenting as a 50/50 endeavor (or 100/100 endeavor) with their wives/girlfriends. They send me “Thank You” emails, they’ll say it’s refreshing to see a guy (me) who embraces fatherhood as much as they do, and they’ll refer other good dads to my blog because they know I’ll celebrate them. Words cannot express how much I appreciate those men because they will play a huge role in making fatherhood “cool” again (granted, I always thought fatherhood was cool, but that’s another story).
On the flip side, there’s a small pocket of men out there that can’t stand me. Here’s a sampling of some of the private messages and comments I received from them after I posted this picture:
– “He probably rented those kids. They don’t even look like him.”
– “I would bet anything that you’re a deadbeat.”
– “OK buddy, cute picture. Now why don’t you hand the children back to their mom so you can go back to selling drugs or your bootleg rap CDs?”
– “So do you do this for all of your illegitimate kids?”
You get the idea.
As I’ve said in previous blog posts, I’m not immune to hate mail—and some messages are racist in nature and some aren’t. It comes with the territory of doing what I do and I completely understand that. However, do you know what’s funny? Oftentimes when a dude posts a public hateful comment on my FB page or Twitter feed, it’s followed up by his wife or girlfriend emailing me privately to apologize for his behavior. These women will tell me that their men are angry that I’m making them “look bad” because they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain when it comes to parenting. Here’s the thing: I don’t make anyone look bad. These guys are doing a fine job on their own according to the women in their lives.
Memo to the small pocket of male haters I have: Why don’t you put big boy shorts on and get in on the revolution of good fathers? It’s not a good look to tear down dads for doing the work your wives wished you were man enough to do on your own. If you don’t believe me, just ask your spouses. They’ll tell you.
But don’t worry. I’ll still be here whenever you’re ready to step your game up and join #TeamGrownAssMan.
Again, to the amazing dads out there reading this (which happens to be the overwhelming majority)—much love to you guys. I appreciate you. Your spouses appreciate you. And most importantly—your kids appreciate you.
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I have a dream that people will be judged by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin. OK, so I had to paraphrase the great MLK on this one. Surprisingly (well, not surprisingly to me) in this instance, the majority of racist emails I received came from other black people. Again, here’s a sampling:
– “This would be so much better if those kids were BLACK!”
– “Look at this Uncle Tom. No chance he would be doing this if his kids were black.”
– “I’m sorry, but I can’t support a brotha who didn’t marry a black woman.”
– “Your MOM is black and you dishonored her by marrying outside of your race? You probably can’t handle a strong black woman.”
***I step away from his computer to check his calendar to ensure it’s 2014 and not 1914***
Allow me a moment to address the small pocket of racists who share the same race as me.
Dr. King dedicated his life to ensuring people could live a life free of judgments based on skin color. He dedicated his life to ensuring future generations could marry anyone without dealing with persecution. But there are people “on his team” (yes, I know we’re ALL on the same team, just roll with me on this, please) who are sabotaging his work. If the first thing you want to do is to criticize the skin color of my kids for not being as dark as mine, you have some serious issues.
Yes, I married a woman who is half-white and half-Japanese. Yes, the skin of my babies happens to be a few shades lighter than mine. Yes, my mom (a black woman born and raised in the deep south of Mississippi) loves my wife and kids because she’s smart enough to know that love is colorblind. All of my black friends and family members feel the same way.
You mad?
Grow up and stop being so damn ignorant. You’re an embarrassment to Dr. King and his legacy.
To be clear, I’m not addressing all black folks here – because the overwhelming majority of my black followers are kind, clear-thinking, and intelligent individuals.
It’s just that the dumbest ones are usually the loudest ones.
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I have a dream that people will view a man’s love for fatherhood for what it is instead of thinking there’s something “fishy” going on. A lot of people really dig the fact that I dig daddying (yes, I made it a verb) as much as I do. However, since I started my blog 17 months ago, I’ve come across some people who will look at me and think, “There’s no way this guy can be as passionate about fatherhood as he is. I bet he’s using his kids in an attempt to become rich and famous.” It’s sad.
Think of the Mommy blogs you like to follow (some of which have a larger following than I have). If they share their love for motherhood, you probably wouldn’t think twice about it because that’s what moms are “supposed to do,” right? But if a human being with a penis shares the same passion for being a parent, it somehow becomes strange and fishy? And that makes sense…how, exactly?
I love being a dad and I love sharing my love of fatherhood with others. Hell, being a dad is one of the few things in life I’m actually good at. Of course I’m going to be passionate about this gig. My dream is that ALL people will embrace men who embrace fatherhood instead of wondering if they have ulterior motives. Remember, we’re the good guys in this fight.
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I have a dream that people will view a picture like this and not think it’s such a big deal. Don’t get me wrong here – it’s a very cute picture, and it’s cool when people say so. However, I start to get a little uncomfortable when people want to start planning parade routes for me because of it. Somewhere there’s a dad doing the exact same thing for his daughters. Somewhere there’s a dad who put his foot down with his boss and refused to attend an “urgent staff meeting” so he could leave work early to attend his daughter’s dance recital. Somewhere there’s a single dad successfully getting his three sons ready for school. Somewhere there’s a stay at home dad crushing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry for his family. Somewhere there’s a dad who would rather play catch in the backyard with his son instead of killing pixelated terrorists on his XBox.
In other words, there are plenty of good, involved dads out there. Many of them are reading this post right now.
I’ve posted hundreds of pictures of my family since I started blogging and I had no idea that this one would cause such a seismic shift on the WWW. But what if I posted a picture of my wife doing what I did in that picture? Many would probably think it’s cute, but after ten seconds of looking at it, they would probably move on to the next shiny object on their newsfeed. Why? Because it just wouldn’t be a big deal to many people if a woman did it.
Until we can get to the point where men and women can complete the same parenting tasks and the reactions are the same, we will have problems. If you want to create a statue for me for taking care of my daughters, create one for the moms who are doing the same damn thing everyday for their kids without receiving a “Thank you” or an “Ooooh” or “Ahhhh.”
These behaviors should be expected of moms and dads. No exceptions.
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That ends my rant.
For many of you, this is the first blog post you’ve ever read from me. Just so you know, I’m usually the lighthearted guy online and I’m rarely this angry – but today I had to regulate a bit.
In time you’ll determine if you love me or hate me. If you love me, that’s good news because I’m going to continue doing the stuff you love. If you hate me, that’s bad news because I’m going to continue doing the stuff you hate. If you fall into the “hate” category, just send my blog to all of your enemies (that’ll show ‘em). For the rest of you, I’m so humbled and happy to be a guy you follow and enjoy as we embark on this crazy road of parenthood together.
On a side note, I wrote this entire post while my baby girl was sleeping on me in the Ergo.
It’s not a big deal. That’s just what a Daddy Doin’ Work is supposed to do.
Boom.
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Doyin Richard’s I Have a Dream post has gone viral in the best possible way. It has millions of pageviews, has been republished around the world. Doyin lives and works with his family in Los Angeles, has continued write–including his book Daddy Doin’ Work: Empowering Mothers To Evolve Fatherhood, and to champion Diversity and Inclusion, and other social issues. We are proud to syndicate his podcast ‘Just Stick to Parenting‘.
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Originally published on Daddy Doin’ Work®.
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Check out The Good Men Project’s Diversity & Inclusion work here.
I share your dream, brother. And, I am proud to say, so do my Anglo/Mexican sons. Love is blessed and sacred and beautiful in any shape or form because it is love; but we who choose our life partners outside the shelter of our own culture are the bridge-builders. For every generation that passes, we make it harder to hate as we turn Other People into family members. One day, the dream will be real. Peace to you.
Thank you mate.
OMFG. I can’t believe some of those quotes from the comments you received. Me=middle aged white guy. You put a lump in my throat with this post. You have a beautiful dream. F**k the haters.
Sharing this on my blog. Thanks!
That is the cutest picture I’ve seen all month. I’m 7 1/2 months into my first pregnancy with my little girl. Your picture sums up what i can’t wait to see my husband doing with our daughter. It’s such a shame that we live in a society where being a good dad is mocked and tarnished. As a black woman I’m ashamed of my own people attacking one of our own for being an active father, when the stereotype is that you should be barely around. Out of respect i won’t congratulate you on doing your job, but I will… Read more »
it takes 2 to tango…the same when you have kids…they are your’s and your wife responsibilities and also joy….You are a liberated man! a gender sensitive guy….nothing wrong with that, the others need to be trained,educated, and yes experiencing being a true great Dad…. keep on doing what your heart desires…thumbs up, man) .
I think you’re amazing. People need to learn to mind their own business, especially when their minds are so small. You’re obviously a great dad. Keep it up.
Some people only feel up but stomping another down. It’s a virus. I’m still trying to get used to it as a new blogger myself. Kinda baffling. But some get tickled to see a Dad in love. Thanks for the pic and your inspiring words. The power of love is easy to recognize <3
I had to read this to get what was causing the “hype” and outrage. No I don’t think it is a big deal for a dad to take care of his kids, why else would you have kids. And I didn’t notice the difference in skin color. I gotta say though ppl have a lot of time if they actually write mean stuff to someone they don’t know or actually have to follow, it’s a choice and you can choose not to. And also a little recognition to all the moms doing the exact same thing without anyone thinking it’s… Read more »
If a woman had been doing this, no one would have thought it unusual, just another good mother multi-tasking. Hopefully sooner than later, a man doing the same thing will get the same reaction. It’s changing. Not as quickly as the impatient would like, but then again people are often stuck in their roles. It’s good that your picture serves as an example to other men that real men take care of their children
You have class my friend, loved the article.
When it came to the comments about the kids not being fully black I had to look at the photo again because I literally didn’t even notice they were paler. What do you even call those kinds of comments!? I guess they are prejudiced, at best. I think this photo is amazing! Super manly 😉
From father to father, you’re going a great job man. Its so reassuring to see other fathers be involved with their children and families. So many things I could relate to. I just returned to work from paternity leave this week and my baby boy smiles every time he sees me.I know it’s because of those nights he and I hung out while mommy got some sleep. I too decided when my first son was born that I was going to be a different dad. My father was great and so were many of my uncles but they were part… Read more »
I saw the photo as I was scrolling down my news feed. The only reason I clicked on it was because of the heading ‘people will view a picture like this and not think it’s a big deal’ . I guess I was curious because just looking at the photo I thought “that’s cute” for all of two seconds and would have moved on. The words you wrote about it are very touching and I am relieved to know it was simply me being so fine with the picture that the points you raise were not concerns of mine at… Read more »
Hey there – I didn’t see anything unusual in this photo at all. Just a Dad doing what dad’s do/should do. Your daughters will grow into beautiful girls who love their Dad and cherish the close relationship that you have started developing with them. Keep up the wonderful fathering & enjoy:)
If not for that title, I would not have been interested in reading this. I almost dismissed the thumbnail picture. I tried hard to see what was really wrong with the picture. I thought the dad was tying up the hair wrongly or the baby carrier thingy was in a wrong position or the baby was choking or something…and then i read the article. It took a leap of logic for me to connect this to racist commentary. Which incidentally only came to me after reading this. I’m already in my late teens and this racism thing still is very… Read more »
Wow this is some true ignorant fuckers if they cannot see beyond color. What is wrong with these people? Haven’t they learned anything from history- our wars, deaths, and rights…I wish everyone could have experience what many African Americas, Jews, Indians, and so forth experience in the past AND ARE STILL EXPERIENCING TODAY! This reminds me of gender roles that are placed by society. We talked in class about how roles are assigned to us based on gender and well even race. It is sad not to be able to reward this man for being a great father…in which now… Read more »
My Son also took time off as a Manager of a chain store to have time to bond with his new Daughter. It was a very rewarding experience for him and my Granddaughter. I have taught my children that it takes two to run a household. Keep up the great job and be the proud Dad you are. My son has made me a very proud Dad to see the proud Dad he is.
I like to think of myself as an awesome dad, my wife and son think so too. As long as those two think that, then I couldn’t care less what some small group of “hate on you because I don’t devote my life to my kids” asshats think.
Great read, great story, great picture, and great job on being a real Dad.
Cheers!
Wow… I read your blog after i saw the picture and i tried to guess what is the big deal (because otherwise than this is a very cute picture, i didn’t sense any problem). Well now i see how ignorant i am… A black man marries not a black woman?!?!?! and a father that cares for his daughter??? It is very upsetting that there are so many haters and ignorant people. But it is very inspiring to read your story and to know that you are right: “the dumbest ones are usually the loudest ones.” Don`t think i need to… Read more »
Reading this holding my baby son and my first impressions were I hope my son grows up to be a daddy like you. Reading your blog just confirms that. Love to you & yours x
I didn’t even notice the difference in skin tone… heck, I had to read the article twice to work out what the fuss was all about. Some people need to get a life and worry about stuff that really matters
I think we are already there. Most of us. I just never come across the people that aren’t there yet, so it is hard for me to imagine anyone not finding this normal and beautiful.
I love this post!!! Race has nothing to do with dead beat dads. Every race has them but people want to be pointing the finger or giving it. This man has real balls but then is is doing what he is suppose to because he is a good human being with a compassionate soul. Blessings come in the packages called family.
First time visiting your blog here, but not the first time seeing that pic. I saw there was an uproar over it and didn’t have the stomach to even see what it was all about. All I could think was this: If people think it’s amazing that a man is being active in his role as a father, I’m going to hurl. The basics, the very basics of soulfulness are marveled at as if there is something amazing in it. And, naturally, as a mom, I think how tragic it is. You voiced it here, along with a whole pile… Read more »