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Several years ago I ran a workshop for parents aimed at helping them talk with kids about sex. At the time I was in graduate school and didn’t have any children of my own. I didn’t exactly consider myself an “expert” on the subject, but I had done my research and developed what I thought was a helpful framework for a useful discussion. The workshop was well attended, except for one glaring fact.
I was the only man in the room.
This observation made an excellent and impromptu opening to my prepared remarks. I started the workshop by asking for a show of hands of all the fathers in the room. The women (mostly mothers, some older daughters) looked around and we all acknowledged with a nervous chuckle the absence of fathers.
This absence sends a bad message to our children. Dads need to take an active role in the sex education of their sons and daughters. The tips discussed here are useful for all parents, but they are especially directed to fathers.
Sex Education Begins at Birth
From the earliest stages of infancy kids learn about their own bodies, sensations, and drives. As they grow they start to develop thoughts and words for some of the feelings they experience. Kids will learn about sex whether you teach them or not. The quality of what they learn has a lot to do with how we as parents and educators handle their curiosities. So, if you want to have a say in what they are learning (and I hope that you do) you need to take an active, thoughtful, and consistent role.
Know Yourself
Having a healthy relationship with your own sexuality is one of your best tools in helping your children understand and feel good about their own. We all have our own sexual hang ups. These come from the values, attitudes, and experiences we had about sexuality growing up. Identifying and working through your feelings and conflicts about sexuality will help you convey healthy messages to your kids.
Are you prepared to talk to your son about masturbation? Do you really know what a tampon does and how it works? If those questions make you a little anxious (and it is okay if they do) you are likely to unintentionally impart that anxiety onto your children. It may be time to brush up and get your own sex education house in order. This will give you some confidence as you help your kids develop healthy attitudes about their own bodies and sexuality.
How You Say Something is as Important as What You Say
It is important to give kids honest, age-appropriate answers to their questions about sexuality. When faced with a question, you want to open the conversational door, not close it. In response to your child’s curiosity you might start by asking open-ended questions. If your five-year-old asks where babies come from, a simple, “That’s a great question, what do you think?” is a door opener. It validates the curiosity and it says that you are open and willing to talk. “What the heck are you asking about that for?” sends an obviously quite different message. Keep focused on opening doors, not closing them.
It is Okay to Make Mistakes
The other day my six-year-old daughter asked me a pointed question about how babies get into mommy’s tummies. Like a deer in headlights I froze. Here I am, a thoroughly trained and experienced mental health professional, who talks with kids and adults all day (not uncommonly about sex and sexuality) and I was stumped by my own daughter. I gathered enough sense to say, “Well, when mommies and daddies love each other they share a very special hug, and that is how it works.”
It wasn’t the worst answer imaginable, but it was far from my best parenting moment. I sensed my daughter’s BS meter was buzzing, but I appreciate her giving me a pass on this one. The point is, it’s okay to mess up. Hopefully you recognize where you fell short and are open to doing better next time. Kids are very forgiving so long as they feel you are genuinely trying.
Your Kids May Not Appear to Listen, But They Hear You
Your children may not want to talk to you about sex (especially your teenagers) but it is likely that they appreciate your willingness to do so in an open and caring way. Just because they aren’t asking you questions doesn’t mean you should stop talking about these issues. In fact, your silence might collude with theirs and give the impression that sexuality is off-limits and shouldn’t be talked about. You shouldn’t bombard your kids, but sexuality should be an ongoing agenda item.
There is a scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest that illustrates this point. It is the one where psychiatric hospital patient “Chief” (who everyone assumed was deaf and mute) finally reveals to McMurphy, another patient on the ward, that he has heard all along and has the capacity to speak. Your kids are listening and paying attention.
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So, keep talking.
This Stuff is Hard, But Important, So Don’t Give Up
Cut yourself some slack, but don’t ignore this issue. It is good for your kids. Some parents worry that teaching their kids about sex will make them do it. The research suggests that the opposite is actually true. For example, young women who have sex education are less likely to become pregnant. Further, kids who are more knowledgeable about their sexuality are more likely to delay their first sexual experience. We are doing our kids a disservice when we don’t have these conversations with them. Besides, it is wonderful way to strengthen the intimacy and emotional bonds that we have with our sons and daughters.\
Previously published on STAND Magazine
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YouTube Jonathan Whitehead
Photo: GettyImages