Patrick Sallee pens a letter to the man he hopes will be a partner in raising his little girls.
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Congratulations! You have just accepted the best job in the world, getting to be a parent to two of the best little girls you will ever know.
As a new father yourself to your own daughter, I am confident you can relate to the challenging emotions of not being with your kids each day, and missing the chance to say goodnight to them each night. I know it isn’t lost on you, the deep level of guilt that can leave.
If you hear about me from the girls … believe everything … I am as great as they say I am! If my name comes up from their mom, believe all the good and only half the bad …
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While we don’t know each other personally, we most certainly hear stories about the other. So, let me clear some things up. If you hear about me from the girls … believe everything … I am as great as they say I am! If my name comes up from their mom, believe all the good and only half the bad … I’ll let you decipher which half.
Trust isn’t always an easy thing. I can only imagine the feeling of dropping the girls off at college or walking them down the aisle. I assume there is some resemblance to how it feels dropping them off with their mom and you. How do you put your most prized possession, your world, into someone else’s hands?
Divorce is hard, and while it has been two years for the girls’ mom and me, it is painful and difficult. There are still strong feelings of anger and resentment. I can’t envision a time when those feelings go away. The tension still creeps into every day interactions. You and I have never really met and their mom and I hardly speak. That doesn’t have to determine the outcome for these girls.
I often struggle with the idea that I need to be providing everything for them. It is hard to wrestle with what comes from knowing another man is parenting and providing for your children. The gut reaction is “that is my job!”, which slowly gives way to knowing they are in good hands, then finally builds into an understanding that in fact, you bring things to their world that I don’t…and combining those, give my children an even greater opportunity to learn and experience what this world holds for them.
While the girls are still young, and there has been a lot of change in their lives, I do have a few requests.
You are building your own family with their mom and it is great to see everyone happy. Please remember that two important members of that family are also very critical members to mine. It is equally important they have great quality, and quantity, time with me.
The girls are still at a charming (mostly) age, but that won’t always be the case. I’ve been told teen girls can be a challenge…particularly for their moms. When that happens, please don’t be a bystander. It seems society has gone in a direction people are hesitant to “discipline” someone else’s kid, ignore that trend. Tell them when they are wrong, support them when they are right and be there to hear them vent. Trust me, they have my genes, there will be yelling and venting.
When they are in your house or with you, you love them, teach them and support them as a father would. You now have the challenge of being a dad and a step-dad … I hope no one can tell the difference!
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The final thing is the biggest request I could make of you. When they are in your house or with you, you love them, teach them and support them as a father would. You now have the challenge of being a dad and a step-dad … I hope no one can tell the difference!
You have lived with my daughters part time going on a year now, and not one time have they expressed concern or confusion or hesitance to spend time with you. They smile when they talk about things you all do together, which lets me know they are comfortable and loved when they are with you. Thank you.
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Photo—Jenn Durfey/Flickr
This is beautiful and generous. Congratulations on walking a healthy path too!
This is great! I love it! I am the stepmom to a wonderful 8 yr old boy that I love and adore. We get along wonderfully and he was extremly happy when I gave him a little sister last year. He gained a step dad around the same time and we think he is great. Last weekend, his mom, step dad, maternal grandma, grandpa, and maternal great grandma all came to his dads house to celebrate his little sisters 1st birthday. I know how lucky we are to get along so well and that all of us to see the… Read more »
I’ve never commented on this site before but, this was so beautifully written that I felt compelled to do so. Patrick’s daughters are very lucky that he’s their dad. He shows so much love for them via this letter. I hope they someday realize the blessing they have in him.
Patrick You are a very wise man, and your daughters are lucky to have you in their lives. My mom remarried when I was 7 to a man like you described in your letter. He treated my sister and I the same way he treated his kids and the son him and my mom had together.Sadly my mom passed just 5 short years after they married and living with my dad was not the best option. My stepdad got custody of me and raised me as his own. I do not know where I would be without both my Dads,… Read more »
Well done Patrick. I know exactly what both you and Jimmy are saying. I haven’t really seen my 3 now adult kids in about 5 years now for the reason you both mentioned. Despite my overtures and best intentions they apparently were too immersed in mommy’s bitterness. While I’d never get father of the year award I certainly didn’t do anything to deserve this. Oh well. You just have to let them experience their life they want it to be. Maybe someday but after all this I won’t hold my breath.
That is awesome. I wish I could tell someone to believe everything my kids say about me. Unfortunately, there are still plenty of “telephone game” situations and also situations where one or more of my kids try and manipulate things and make things up and create drama between the two halves of their family. I also hope there is a day that my ex-wife has resolved her issues stemming from our marriage falling apart and she is ready, willing, and able to marry a guy like your ex-wife seems to have married. The one boyfriend that my ex-wife had that… Read more »