What we say about gender in front of our kids matters.
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By Rachel Aimee
My son loves cars and trucks and things that go. He is fast and loud and boisterous. Wherever we go, he gets approving comments (“He’s such a boy!”) — sometimes with an eye roll, but still clearly approving.
My son also loves dolls and princess dresses and sparkly wands, and, given a choice, he will always pick out the pink and purple crayons.
But apparently nobody sees that, because nobody ever comments on it. Or if they do, it’s to laugh and say he’s just copying his big sister.
My son is two and a half years old, and so far (thankfully!) he seems to be unaware of what is just around the corner: the realization that those things are “for girls” and, most likely, the abandonment of his current preference for purple pants and pink shoes.
Maybe he’ll continue to play princess at home, but I doubt he’ll choose to take his dolls and wands to daycare.
My son has enough “boy” characteristics — fast, loud, truck-loving — that I don’t think this abandonment of his “girl” toys and clothes will be too hard for him, but it kind of breaks my heart.
What breaks my heart even more are the daily affirmations of his “boyishness” — by well-meaning strangers and self-identified liberal friends alike — with never a positive word about his love for pink.
Yes, he’s always excited to receive truck- and train-themed gifts, but the last time we went to the doctor, he picked a princess sticker over a car sticker, and when I gave him a choice of pink cups or blue cups, he chose the pink.
Because my son comes across as so “boyish,” I’m sure many people think I choose to dress him in purple pants and pink shoes out of stubbornness. They assume I’m that man-hating feminist mother who can’t accept that her son is a boyish boy.
No. My son likes trains and princesses. He chose to pair that truck shirt with those butterfly leggings.
He’s not “such a boy,” he’s a child whose many interests have not yet been thwarted by a culture that forces him to pick a team, and before this precious time expires, I wish more people would see and embrace the whole of him.
“Does this really matter?” I hear you asking. If my son loves cars and trucks, if he runs fast and climbs high and asserts himself in the playground, he’ll be fine. He can let those things go without losing himself. He’ll fit in.
OK, so maybe it’s not my son I’m worried about. This is bigger than him.
Every one of those “such a boy” comments make me hurt for all the other kids who hear these comments every day.
Because of the many, many kids who cannot so easily hide the parts of themselves that don’t garner instant approval, knowing looks, happy eye-rolls. Because the culture that celebrates my son’s love of trucks and refuses to acknowledge his love of princesses is the same culture that shames and isolates trans and gender non-conforming kids every day.
When the story about the German dad who wears skirts and nail polish in solidarity with his gender-non-conforming son went viral, my Facebook feed was full of “Best Dad Ever!” comments… from many of the same people who frequently remark that they wish they had a girl so they could buy cute dresses and braid hair, or throw out yet another “boys and their trucks!” comment when my son runs for the tractor at the playground.
Most liberals are quick to assert that of course they would support their kids if they turned out to be trans. That they would happily use their kid’s preferred gender pronoun if they asked.
But that’s not enough.
It’s not enough to support freedom of gender expression for kids in general (but especially transgender kids) while continuing to pretend that the rest of the population fits neatly into the binary categories of “girls” and “boys.”
What we say about gender in front of our kids matters.
When kids hear adults saying that girls wear jewelry and boys love soccer balls, they learn that a boy who wears jewelry is different, a girl who plays soccer is weird, a boy who wears a skirt is wrong.
And then we turn around and wonder why we have to teach them not to bully their peers for being different.
So, sure, tell my son you like his truck shirt — but please compliment his butterfly leggings too. Because it does matter.
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This story by Rachel Aimee originally appeared on Ravishly, a feminist news+culture website.
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First off you are doing an awesome job of raising your son. I think that kids should just be allowed to be kids. My daughter loves baby dolls and makeup but also loves dinosaurs. Walking through Kohls or target there were no dinosaur shirt on the “girls” side of the store. I am tired of all the pink and sparkly so I decided to make my own dinosaur shirt for her. A green shirt with a pink dinosaur that said “FEARLESS” To my surprise a woman in my moms group asked for me to make her one for daughter and… Read more »
Thank you. As a parent myself, i see this sort of “gender reinforcing” language being used all the time. The one that gets under my skin most is the flippant “oh, he’s such a typical boy” brush off of rowdy behaviour, which if exhibited in a girl would be swiftly reprimanded. There’s nothing typically “:boyish” about wanting to push someone, or jump on something to smash it ( my own daughter was quite fond of destruction as a toddler!). Kids are kids. No aspect of their behaviour is based on their gender. It’s merely the fact that their behaviours and… Read more »
yeah, my cousins and i used to play with my sisters dolls. We’d us them to beat each other with. That’s the truth, but it’s also true that I’m a “huggy” sort of guy with no repressed feelings on the issue of sharing deep thought or showing affection. I’m also a maniac (or was in my younger day) on the field, never concerned about fighting, or playing rough. With that I wonder about two things. First, it this a matter of culture, I wonder if anyone has postulated cultural differences. The second is whether it is less an issue of… Read more »
Anthropologically, there are a set of traits normally reserved for men in all cultures, and have been for a very long time through history. That’s where the deeply rooted belief that boys and men are this way by very nature. However one forgets that sociologically speaking the vast majority of cultures have been patriarchal and more importantly androarchical, even when a culture is matriarchal in social interaction. Therefore in this system some very strong rules take hold. So this does not mean by nature it is absolute, because by observation we’ve had no ogynarchical societies that have lived long enough… Read more »
This is an important piece, but most people don’t get it. I see your son as a human picking his preferences at the moment. I really don’t know why folks HAVE to make a translation especially about gender in this culture rather than just accepting what is they see. It must be YOU making him wear butterfly leggings since a real boy would never choose that. Therefore you are a manipulative parent and abusing your kid. What an illogical jump. Man that is nuts. But people don’t see it that way at all because of the brain washing. That’s what… Read more »