Torsten Klaus on handling kids when they drop the “F Word” on you.
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What a lovely afternoon! The kids have been playing at a friends’ house, for the last two hours. Yes, it does feel like a short holiday. Let them run around and play hide-and-seek all day long, so that they can fall into their beds totally exhausted and get a sound nights’ sleep.
But soon the harmony gets disturbed. My eldest comes back home (kindly driven home by his friend’s Mum) and I check if everything is OK. He looks at me and says: “Grace can’t come next week. She has said the f-word and is not allowed outdoors for one week. Papa, what is an f-word?”
What a whopper. Suddenly I had two problems on my plate and wasn’t quite sure what to say. So, I tried some more questions: Is she really not allowed to come out for the whole of next week? Have you heard that word before? Are you sad that she’s not playing with you?
Basically I tried to buy some more time to think, but also to see how my 5-year-old deals with the situation. Still I was struck by that strong response Grace had received from her parents. So, let’s check this out. What had happened and why have the parents reacted that way?
Grace, a lovely 6-year-old girl, had probably heard the f-word before; it could have been anywhere: at school, from friends, through the media… or, let’s be honest, maybe even from her parents. Who knows? It’s very like that she has no clue as to the meaning of the f-word. I just assume that she had no idea what she had copied. But, very obviously, her parents don’t want her to use that word, which I can completely understand. They probably felt quite embarrassed or even ashamed by their daughter’s language (I would feel the same). Furthermore, feeling trapped in that very uncomfortable position, they felt helpless and insecure. To make it clear to Grace, a harsh reaction was given, to – from their point of view – set a boundary. Only when you reflect on that response, you will see the difference between boundary setting and punishment.
Why? Well, let’s see how Grace will feel now. She might think the following: OK. I said something which Mummy and Daddy found quite upsetting. I’m not quite sure why and what’s so bad about that word. But anyway, I’m really cross now because I’m not allowed to play with my friends. And that’s NOT FAIR! They are MEAN! Grace is confused, angry and upset about this punishment. And hey, wouldn’t you feel the same? Let’s assume Grace’s dad had said something inappropriate (which – I bet – he did at some point in his life) – either on purpose or by accident. Let’s stick to the f-word. So, he used it in some context. Could you imagine his wife saying to him: So, that was very naughty John. No sex for the coming THREE weeks. Go to your room and think about your behaviour?
Would John really reflect on the words he chooses in future, or would he feel the same as Grace: confused, angry, upset?
So again, would that punishment really help Grace to understand what emotions the use of the f-word can trigger? I believe not. The only lesson she has learned is: I don’t trust my parents because they can be mean to me. And how often do we use those “little” punishments, when we think our kids have stepped over the line? How many times are we bribing them in order to get their obedience? (Basically every time we use an “If… Then… “ sentence. E.g. If you clean up your room, then you can have the chocolate). Instead of co-operation and mutual respect, we (and yes, that’s me often too) bribe, threaten or dictate. It’s sad, isn’t it?
Do I have a choice? Oh yes. Life often comes up with more than just one answer or one way to go. I like to use the Listen-Empathise-Speak approach, which I have tried out many times. Here it’s how it works:
1. Listen to your child (or partner, friend, colleague or anyone). Don’t judge or jump to conclusions. Focus on the words only. The words don’t hurt you or me. They just transport a message. A message that comes from them and you decide whether to make them about you or not. So, when your child – and let’s go back to Grace’s case – says the f-word, listen carefully how, to whom and in which context the words are being said.
2. Now pause, reflect and empathise. Ask yourself the following questions: What is she feeling? Is she angry or upset about something? Does she really know what she’s saying? Where could she have heard that word before? And go a step further by asking yourself “Do I use that word from time to time?”
3. Speak. It could sound like this: Hey Grace, I just heard you say a word. I’m not quite sure, if I heard right. Did you say f…? – Wait for response – Ok, I just wanted to check. Well, I really don’t like that word. I feel sad when I hear that word and I know it can hurt people. And I don’t want people to get hurt. Not you or me or anyone else. Please tell me too, when I use a word you don’t like, OK? Would you like a hug, before you go outside again?
Depending on your child’s age, I think it is important to be honest and not shy away from explaining some of the language that adults use and children copy. When they know what it means, they are a lot less likely to use it (or take anyone serious who does use it towards them).
-Make sure you don’t have a double standard – only use words yourself that you are happy for your children to use! –
See, how powerful your words can be and how they would solve the problem by talking/responding like that:
1. You address the problem
2. You don’t judge
3. You explain your issue around the problem
4. You say what you would like for the future and at the same time you give your child a clear clue
5. You don’t overpower your child by punishing; actually you do the exact opposite by empowering him/her
6. You’re authentic by admitting that you sometimes too say mean words. Or simply: you are authentic.
Sounds like magic? Well, it’s not. It’s a great tool in dealing with everyday situations with your kids. Yes, it takes time, reminding and reflecting to become confident in using it. But you’ll see the difference in your relationship and connection to one another. And yes, I have to remind myself to use it, every day and especially in the heat of the moment. It doesn’t always work, but when it does, it feels good. It’s worth trying it out!
Photo: Flickr/thefuturistics