You have managed to escape the family curse of substance abuse but now that your own children are approaching their teen years you are worried about allowing them to have contact with the rest of your family. Don’t worry dad! Help is here.
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I mean you have every right to worry but do not let the worry overwhelm you. It is actually a sentiment shared by many fathers (and mothers) with substance abusing families who are caught in that weird space between being clean, raising clean teens, and substance abusing family members.
Honesty Is The Best Policy
If you try to convince your children that you have never used drugs or alcohol and your cousin Jimmy knows better, you are setting yourself up to lose a ton of credibility with your teens. Cousin Jimmy isn’t going to be too interested in keeping your secret. Besides people under the influence tend to have loose lips and tend to not treat their old drinking and/or drug buddies with any amount of respect while they are using. If you have used substances in the past, be honest with your teens because you can practically count on someone in your family sharing all the gory details with your teenagers. Your best course of action is to be appropriately honest with your teens about your personal history with drugs and alcohol. You do not need to give your teens a play by play but you do need to be factual. You will also be setting yourself up to be a positive role model to your teenagers.
Facts Not Fears
Parenting teenagers through an extended family riddled with substance abuse is not for the faint of heart. It can be downright terrifying. On one hand you want your children to know their family members but on the other you cannot help but worry that just one moment out of your sight will be too much. You also know you cannot be everywhere. The solution is to arm yourself and your teens with the facts about the dangers of substance abuse. When family members are substance abusers it can be incredibly difficult to survive their attempts to get you, or your children, to imbibe. Make sure your teens understand the consequences of substance abuse. To get you started this infographic highlights many teen substance abuse facts:
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Never Underestimate The Extra Peer Pressure
Most people, especially teenagers, want to fit in with their families. However when family members are also substance abusers teens often feel like they must pick sides. Unfortunately, family members also know how to push buttons others do not. Peer pressure is a normal part of the teenage experience but when peer pressure comes from family members there is an added dimension. If teens are able to resist their friends and peer pressure comes from family too then your teen starts wondering where they fit in. For my cousin’s family, he has given all of his children a special jewelry item to wear at family functions to remind his teenagers of his expectations.
No Is Such A Little Word
Children and teenagers are natural people pleasers. They want to make the people around them happy and occasionally this deep desire may lead to conflict. You have clearly told them you do not want them using drugs and alcohol but when someone else is pressuring them to consume them suddenly, “No,” because a rather big word. In the case of family members offering your teenagers alcohol or drugs it can be exceptionally difficult for them. It is not so much that your teen actually wants to say, “Yes,” as it is they want to please this family member. Many troubled teens report the first time they used drugs or alcohol was either in their own home or that of a family member. As parents we cannot afford to turn a blind eye to the possibility. Instead help your teens learn say give a confident, “No.” Role play situations with them to help them learn to come up with quicker and better responses. Teens who understand it is okay to hurt the feelings of their substance abusing members by saying, “No.” It will also help them avoid becoming substance abusers. What seems like an emotional situation is not but teens do not understand the difference. The familial cycle of substance abuse is perpetuated when adult abusers ‘infect’ the next generation.
Aside from all the practical suggestions to help your teenager stay clean in the presence of your substance abusing family members, your best weapon is you. The ‘dad factor’ is a huge and probably bigger than you realize. Teens who have good relationships with their own parents are less likely to turn to drugs and alcohol. Keep talking to your teens even when you do not think they are listening.
Photo: Flickr/Heather Williams