Remember that when you shave, you are shaving for men everywhere. Shaving has a history that will change your future.
Shaving Has a History
I am told that the first to shave were the Neanderthals. The hairy beasts among the group were slower, less aerodynamic and more easily thrown off their balance due to the Dangling Dilly Beard attached to their chins. They became tiger food while their lighter cousins lived to face another day.
And so began our millennia long mission: To become a Smooth Faced Superbeast.
The early shaving implements were savage. Rocks, flint, small trees and plucking. Only the bravest could endure the barbaric treatment. Most men gave up and that is when shaving began it’s dark ages.
Men unable to shave do what all men do: They fight a losing battle against their Chinwaggers. They stuffed and tied the fierce beards to no avail. Facial hair became more than hair, it was a hairy prison.
Shaving and Heavy Metal
Then along came heavy metal (steel that is). Heavy Metal music would be another step in male self-expression, but that is for another post. Steel gave us new life because it could be polished into a mirror and hardened into a blade. No my son, the miracle of steel was far more than tools or swords. The mighty flat razor changed history.
His Story, that is…
Men could now look up at a bright future, courtesy of the flat razor… part weapon, part savior from the oppression of the Underlip Fur Coat. Men had new hope of a fresh, clean face. A clean face gave us the clean slate that we needed.
When steel began to be milled, the safety razor put a new sense of destiny into the hands of men everywhere. We could now shave in the privacy of our bathrooms. Mirror, shaving cream, and razor returned our self-respect. Every man became a sleeker version of himself.
No longer were men expected to have faces that looked like armpits. Men were now free to explore a new and exciting future.
Today we have razors that vibrate, spin, and slice under the safety of thin steel cages. Flat razors come with triple blades of freedom.
Welcome to the world of shaving, my son. We now walk into the bathroom with a cloud of witnesses behind us. Today, you are not simply shaving. No! No! And again, no!
You are a revolutionary. You are freeing your face and your future from the perpetual prison of the hairy monster. Oh, and please don’t neglect your back. A hairy back is a no man’s land and you never know what may grow there.
Every time you shave, you set the world on fire. Today, you are more than a man. You will shave and you will save the world for another day. I celebrate your birth as a Shavior.
Keep it Clean and Keep it Real
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