There is no “Step-Parenting For Dummies” so jump in and push forward.
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Parenting, when done right, is a challenge. There is no manual, no “how to,” no universal “Parenting for Dummies” book to guide you along the way. Universal truths are few and far between and what works for one child may be disastrous with another. Nobody seems to argue that, and with good reason. Granted, there is plenty of awful advice out there, including “The Mixed Martial Arts Guide to Offspring Compliance,” and “Closets and Duct Tape: The First Time Dads Guide to Successful Parenting.” Yeah, I made those two up, but awful parenting advice truly is everywhere.
Step-parenting on the other hand is a whole new level of ohmyheavenswhathaveIgottenmyselfinto. To be effective, we have to be pretty good at everything. Each mistake has the potential to bring heat that makes you feel like an ant under the magnifying glass of a sadistic child. Living in fear of making a mistake can be equally problematic. How then do you navigate the muddy waters of effective step-parenting? Let me know when you figure it out. I certainly don’t have all of the answers. On the other hand, after about 9 years and my share of successes and failures, here is what I’ve learned.
Be true to yourself, your significant other, and your children.
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Be true to yourself, your significant other, and your children. Yes, they are now your children. They may bear resemblance to another man or woman but you have adopted them as family and should treat them as such. It’ll sting sometimes. You’ll probably hear the age old spurned child comeback: “You aren’t even my real _____.” It hurts, I know. The more you do for them, the more and deeper the burn will be. Show it. Let them know it hurts, even if they choose to use it against you. Acting as if it doesn’t bother you shows your children you don’t care. Is that the message you want to give them? “Say whatever you want, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care.” You’ll only be damaging your relationship further by playing that card. Showing your own vulnerability teaches them that words truly can hurt and that its OK to show hurt sometimes.
Tempting though it may be, don’t consistently give in to avoid conflict. You are going to have to actually be a parent. When the kids push back at bed time or over a snack you shouldn’t just give up to avoid an argument. You didn’t just move in to have sex on a regular basis with their mom or dad right? By the way, if you did, good luck. Starting out as a parent and constantly giving in will not win you any bonus points. All constant capitulation does is make things much harder later. Remember that as hard as it may be, you are not there to be a friend. Your role is to help mold them into good, empathetic men and women.
You are not auditioning for that ill fated TV show “Worlds Strictest Parents”.
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Try to be firm but fair, just as you would with any other child. It may get a little dicey because this is unsafe territory. Remember you are not auditioning for that ill fated TV show “Worlds Strictest Parents”. You’ll receive nothing more than resentment and animosity if that ends up being your strategy. Exceedingly controlling and dominant behavior does nothing but drive you further from your children. Tread carefully, and try hard to put yourself in their shoes once in a while. A little compromise here and there with some explanation will lessen the sting for everyone.
Do not, under any circumstances, try to replace the parent missing from the household. Make that clear from the beginning and as often as it takes to make your children believe it. Ensure that you believe it and live by it. My own step children still call me Shawn. I’m not and have never been dad. There are times I wish I were, especially when their own father has failed so miserably to live up to everything the word entails, but that isn’t my decision to make. “Dad” is just a name to me. My job is to be Shawn, nothing more and nothing less.
Belittling and bad mouthing the missing parent is a sure way to turn your children against you. Remember, that parent has given their DNA to your child. They are part of who your child is, and speaking negatively about them means you also speak that way of your child. No matter how awful they are and what immature, ridiculous stunt they pulled this week, keep your comments between you and your partner. You have to allow your kids to come to their own conclusions about people, their biological parents included.
As children, we aren’t the same at 6 as we are at 16, and neither will you be the same person in the beginning as you are the end.
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Communicate with your partner! Without effective communication, things will fall apart fast. Make sure you tell your husband or wife how you feel and when you feel unincorporated in the family. It’ll happen, trust me, and it’s natural. Over time, it’ll happen less, but there will always be you and them. That’s OK. Sometimes the opposite may happen, you may isolate yourself, return to old habits, and act as though you are alone again. Part of being a step-parent means growing into the family. It isn’t as simple as just adding an extra member. It takes a tremendous amount of work and communication. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, and integrating into an existing family is no exception.
Finally, you must be open to change. As children, we aren’t the same at 6 as we are at 16, and neither will you be the same person in the beginning as you are the end. Embrace the chance to raise a child, to help them heal after a divorce (or death), and to show them the world. Make mistakes, but with the proper intentions. Learn to accept change as a natural part of life and especially of parenting. Step-parents have to grow into the role even as their new children grow and mature. It isn’t going to be easy. You may jump right into the preteen years instead of adapting as a child moves from infant to toddler to preschooler. It’s OK to struggle with it. Being too hard on yourself will only have you questioning your motives and decisions later.
You won’t often hear a step-parent retrospectively look back upon the experience and say “Wow, that was fun, let’s do it again.” When you choose to become a step-parent, you accept the responsibility of raising the child of another as your own. It will be difficult, and sometimes you’ll want to give up. On the other hand, it can still be rewarding and worthwhile. With effective communication between you and your spouse, a willingness to open yourself up, and the knowledge that you will sometimes be hurt, the experience can help you grow as a person. Some of these things I learned to do quickly, others came too late. I won’t say the last 9 years have been all fun and games, but I’ve grown into a better human being and, hopefully, have helped my children to do the same. I’m grateful for the opportunity, and more so for having been a part of their lives.
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Photo: Doug Kline/Flickr
This was very interesting and informative. I am not a step-parent, but I think it’s interesting finding a balance between the old order and the new, trying to be an authority figure without the “me boss, you not” attitude, and remembering *yourself* that you are indeed their father, but that you will never be their only father, good or bad. Thanks for sharing.
My girlfriend makes a wonderful stepparent to my son, who was born into a blended family. As a very loving and involved, albeit noncustodial Dad.. I’ve often wondered what it feels like from the perspective of my son’s mother’s boyfriend. he signed up to be a step-dad before my son was even born. (yes, weird i know). Thanks for your thoughts about it Shawn. I can tell you that from that Bio-dad standpoint, you are in shoes that don’t belong to you, so if you aren’t a great influence to the boy, and don’t know just how and when to… Read more »
A fantastic post!! And very useful to other step parents. My boys have a step dad and to be honest he breaks a lot of these. He goes from fun friendly guy to incredibly hard and harsh instantly. The boys have become wary because there are no firm but fair goal posts. He also, with their mum, bad mouth me and tell the boys that he is their dad. Heart breaking but luckily I have given access and a lot of it so they know truly who their daddy is. He also struggles with the change part. He hasn’t quite… Read more »
My good lady is a Step-parent and she is brilliant, the boys love her to pieces, and she would do anything for them. It amazes her that some people she knows who are in the same boat are so distant and sometimes down right horrid to their step children. Me I’m amazed the real parent allows anyone to be such d**ks to their kids.
Thanks for posting this, there are many people who should read it!