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Dear Mr. Dad: If I wasn’t in the delivery room for my daughter’s birth, I’d swear that she had a secret, identical twin. Sometimes she’s delightful and lovely to be around, other times, she’s a nightmare. Some days she seems to love us and need us, other days she’s hateful and nasty. People keep telling me to relax, that’s she’s just a normal teen. I know they’re right, but her schizophrenic behavior is driving us crazy. Is there some way to get rid of some of the “downs” but keep the “ups”?
A: I wish that nature had come up with a better way for young people to discover their adult identity, but I’m afraid we’re stuck. Their logic-defying careening back and forth between being an irrational infant one second to being wise and wonderful the next is part of the deal. But think about it this way. While it’s confusing and painful for us, it’s got to be a lot worse for them.
Actually, if you think back really hard to when you were you daughter’s age. You may be able to remember how scary it felt at those times when you had no idea what you might do or what might come out of your mouth. You may be able to get back in touch with the emotional highs and lows you felt, how infuriating it was that no one understood you, and how frustrating it was that everyone insisted on treating you like a child and refused to give you the responsibility you (thought) you were ready for. You felt completely out of control—and you were right.
Adolescence is a time of real upheaval, when our mind, body, and everything else is constantly changing. Teens are struggling to figure out where they fit in the world; and they’re trying on different feelings and moods. Throw in a still-developing brain that’s being assaulted by hormones, and you’ve got a bunch of Frankenstein-like creatures that the world doesn’t understand—and who don’t understand themselves either. And it keeps getting worse: Parents fear teens’ volatility (rightfully so), their teachers push them to succeed academically, and their peers push them to conform socially and physically, which makes it hard for them to maintain their individuality.
Fortunately, it’s not all bad. Your daughter is going to experience things she’ll never forget, like her first date, prom, and getting her drivers’ license. She may never feel things—the highs and the lows—as keenly as she does now, and some day, she may remember these years with a touch of fondness.
As a parent, you’re going to struggle too. You’ll need to be authoritative but not authoritarian, and you’ll need to be protective but maintain a respectful, loving distance. In other words, be there for her, but do so without looking like you are. It’s natural to want to know everything that your daughter is doing at every second, but trying to make that a reality will backfire and alienate her.
A rule, treat your daughter like an adult until you notice that she needs some parental intervention. She’s doing everything she can to establish her independence, and even though it’s going to be hard, it’s best to try to respect her privacy and rights. At the same time, act quickly when things don’t go according to plan (hopefully, that won’t be a problem—you’ve known your daughter long enough to know when she truly needs your help and when she just needs a little time and space to figure things out for herself). Let her have her adult moments, but be there for her as a coach, mentor, guide, and, of course, parent when she needs one of those.
Previously published on Mr. Dad
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