Shannon Ralph waxes poetic on life before kids. She would not be that person again, but she advises parents-to-be to relish these 30 things, before they are gone. And they will be SO gone, gone. —
Dear Parents-to-Be,
You have no idea—NO IDEA—what you are getting into.
I am thrilled to be a mother. Really, I am. My three darling children cause me—in addition to the rare headache and occasional string of obscenities—boundless degrees of happiness and immense pride. I love being “mommy.” I can’t get enough hugs and kisses, despite the excessive mucous that sometimes accompany them. I adore the idea of molding these little beings into contributing members of society. It’s a challenge I relish.
Despite being madly in love with motherhood, I can’t help waxing poetic on occasion about my pre-child days. If anyone tries to tell you that your life will be the same after children as it is before, they are lying to you. Plain and simple.
Honestly, everything changes. Everything. From the way you look to the way you think to the way you interact with the world around you. Every decision you make from where you work to where you live to what you eat for breakfast has ramifications beyond yourself. Everything has a deeper, more nuanced meaning.
The crazy thing is that you don’t run from this new life screaming in terror, as you would expect to do when your entire existence is upended. Rather, you embrace it. You come to love it. Sure, you are occasionally nostalgic for the person you were before those little people took over your life, but you would not go back. You can’t imagine ever being that person again.
Before this happens to you—before your life is muddled in this dreadfully lovely way—I have some advice for you parents-to-be. My advice to you is simple. While you are still able, and still willing, do the following. Every. Single. Day. Soak in the joy of these 30 simple life pleasures while you can, because the below list of activities will soon disappear from your vocabulary, not to return for many, many years.
1. Go to a movie in the middle of the day
2. Play rap music in your car
3. East at a restaurant without chicken nuggets on the menu
4. Take a nap on an airplane.
5. Stay out past 9pm
6. Get out the door quickly
7. Use your own iPhone, iPad, or other handheld mobile device
8. Cough without wetting your pants
9. Use the word “fuck” leisurely in your own home
10. Leave the house with only what you have in your coat pockets
11. Wear dangly earrings
12. Get in and out of your car without breaking out in a sweat…in the dead of winter
13. Read a book
14. Enjoy a 9-5 work schedule (parents work 24/7/365)
15. Have sex at night
16. Have sex in the morning
17. Have sex
18. Enjoy the freedom that comes with monitoring no one’s bowel movements but your own
19. Have childless friends
20. Eat cookies right out in the open as if it is NOT illegal contraband
21. Use the entire coverage of an umbrella
22. Be sick. Like stay-in-bed-all-day-eating-chicken-soup-binging-on-Sudafed-throwing-dirty-tissues-on-the-floor sick.
23. Watch what YOU want on television
24. Wear white
25. Pee with the bathroom door closed
26. Spend a weekend binge-watching your favorite show
27. Feel confident in the belief that you will never turn into your parents.
28. Enjoy an existence that does not revolve around bodily fluids
29. Complete your grocery shopping in fewer than 120 minutes
30. Relish that you are not—unless you chose it as your career path—anyone’s incubator, chauffeur, chef, personal assistant, entertainment committee, bouncer, tutor, counselor, nurse, or maid.
I am confident that one day I will flagrantly wear white. One day I will nap on an airplane. I will snore and drool. One day I will stay up long enough to watch the entire broadcast of the Golden Globes. One day —
Until that day comes, I will live vicariously through you. You unsuspecting, wonderfully naïve parents-to-be. One day you will be me.
And you will love it as much as I do.
Sincerely,
A Mom
Originally appeared on The Next Family.
Photo: Flickr/Tom Adamcyzk
Yes, one day you’ll get back to that child-free paradise…..and then here come the grandbabies!
Don’t understand why you can’t have “childless” (aka “Childfree”) friends? I am Childfree and have plenty of friends who are moms. In fact, my best friend of 20 years is a mom to a sweet little 9 year old girl who I consider my niece. Sure, our daily lives and some of our priorities are different. But to disown your Childfree friends just because you are a mother now? I understand that my mom-friends can’t be as spontaneous and usually need to plan our outings around their kids’ needs. And my mom-friends appreciate the occasions where we get together –… Read more »
I have 3 children and have done all of the things on the list since they were born. Mostly because I have an amazing supportive family around me, and my husband and I make sure we take the time to have me time and grown-up time. You need to take care of yourself, do things that help you recharge if you can or parenthood will burn you out.
Well said — it’s just a personal experience with three children
— everyone has there own story .
Well I am.a granny now and I assure you surely u will be able
to do some or all of the things once again BUT UR MIND OR HEART WILL STILL HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT UR CHILDREN . It will never be the same as pre- children times for once we become mothers we always have them with us physically initially and mentally always — but it’s worth every second
Granted I’m only 7 years into parenthood… 15,16, and 17 have never been issues for us. Do whatever it takes to make your kids go to be on time people! There is no excuse to trade your love life with your spouse for kids.
I knew there was a good reason I opted out of parenthood. 😉 I realize this article was written partially tongue in cheek, but there a quite a few things you CAN still do even with kids. Its up to you to set the parameters and the things you can do will change with the age of your child. The child should add to your life, not replace it. There are hoards of options for dining in places with out chicken nuggets that do not involve white linen. You can stay out past 9pm with a properly vetted babysitter. You… Read more »
Or you could, you know, outsource parenting duties for a day and indulge in 33% of that list. I want the world economy to thrive as much (or more) as the next guy, but let’s be candid here; it has never been easier or cheaper to find a sitter or au pere with a graduate degree and immaculate references.
BTW, the author is “Shannon Ralph” “Contributing Writer – Same-Sex Parent and Daily News” Sure doesn’t help when she writes things like this.
Sorry haters, this is the truth. Unless you have a staff of bored grandparents or live in a tribe, good luck to us all. As a single mom I just spent 3.5 years where I often went a week or more without a single hour of what people call leisure. Went months on end with no time alone in my apartment. It’s real.
I have to admit, sometimes articles like these make me sad. I feel sad for parents who feel like they gave up so much in order to become parents. I’m a single parent to a toddler and I still do all of these things AND I parent. Because. Balance. Every aspect of who I am is important – woman, mother, friend, daughter, lover – and giving up any of that would make me less capable and less able to do the others.
Any real parent would not give themselves up like that. Parenting includes balance and you can still do all those things as a parent. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably a horrid hateful parent who is resentful of their children and/or does not have a spouse/partner who helps as one should. Even single parents can find ways to do things for themselves.
What a terrible thing to say. The only resentful person on here right now is you. Cannot believe you have the audacity and ignorance to assume a parent who prioritises their children’s needs over their own ‘too much’ are resentful of their children and are “horrid hateful” parents. Careful with your wording, we agree parenting requires a balance and often if there is a minimal support system, the balance is often superseded, but you do not have the right to judge anyone as a parent, let alone those whom aren’t lucky enough to be in a ‘perfect’ environment. Every parent… Read more »
Confused as to why “a Mom” wrote this for Good MEN Project. But that being said, I have to say that it saddens me that you see many of these as “pleasures?” Things life dropping the “F” bomb. Didn’t know life’s pleasures meant a 9 to 5 job over being with your kids 24/7.
Very negative article about being a mom, sad.
You know, there is such thing as people who don’t want kids, and even if they have kids, they hate it. There are parents who can’t stand certain age ranges, even with their own children. They get tired, they get frustrated, they would do anything for a break from their kids.
I am happy to be childfree and will never change my mind. Kids aren’t worth it to me.