Cort Ruddy questions whether children need to be taught to be competitive and wonders if there are better lessons parents should be imparting
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I’m not big on bashing posts by other writers. But I read an article the other day that struck me as a bit off. The main message was that the sooner we teach our kids to be competitive the better—the real world being winner-take-all and such.
Among other things, the writer took a shot at coaches who try to play all kids equally and who give out so-called “participation medals.” He writes how nobody ever displays participation medals, and that we’re teaching kids to be losers. And so on and so on.
Reading the blog, you’d think the world is neatly divided into winners and losers, like the start of a bad after-school special.
That I’m still thinking about this article days later tells me it warrants a response. (It had some good points too, like the value of hard work. But the overt focus on training kids to be competitive didn’t sit well).
First, briefly on coaching: There’s certainly an age after which better players will be rewarded with more playing time. That’s the nature of sport. But to say participation medals and equalized playing time hurts kids is just wrong. If you’re coaching anyone age 10 or under, you should do your best to make sure all kids get to play—no matter how much skill they bring to the game. It’s not anti-competition or making them soft. It’s called teaching them the sport.
Kids that age have a lot of developing and growing to do, which they’ll keep doing through high school. Stick a ten year old on the bench because you’ve decided they’re too small or too slow and, two years down the road, they could gain the physical ability needed, yet lack the experience because of some coach’s boneheaded, overly-competitive focus on winning two years prior.
Worse, that kid may have given up the sport already because of a bad experience with a jerk coach who thought he was mentoring in the Hunger Games rather than teaching kids how to field a sharply-hit grounder. Knowing all that sports can teach kids about teamwork, hard work, and life, we want them to keep playing—all of them.
Are Competitive People Happier?
The truth is, we don’t really have to teach kids to be competitive. Most enter the world with a bit of competitiveness in them already. Think of a two year old who won’t let anyone touch his toy. Or consider when you ask a five year old to do something for you. All you have to do is follow it with the words, “I’ll time you,” and you’ll see them hurry. We are natural competitors.
In all aspect of their young lives, kids are bombarded with messages that have competition at the core. On the playground, in class, and even in reading groups; kids are ranked, measured, and tested.
Around them, constantly, are life lessons about the spoils of winning and being the best. Star athletes make millions. Celebrities deified. Whoever gets the most votes becomes president (usually).
Our culture forces the thought of winners and losers on us at every turn, from the Super Bowl champs and Dancing with the Stars to the differences in the kinds of cars we drive and the sizes of homes people own. Should we really add to that by making competitiveness a central focus of our parenting?
And, a bigger question, are competitive people happier? Maybe in the moment of winning they are—for that moment. Maybe the chronic winners among us get more stuff, find security, and attain a higher level of consciousness. But I know lots of overly-competitive people who are—to put it gently—a bit hard to be around. Putting it less gently, they’re kind of a-holes. Does the world really need more of those?
Maybe rather than competitiveness, we should teach our kids things they might not otherwise learn in this often-hostile and overly-competitive world; things that will enable them to find a happiness they can’t get from simply winning or conquering or buying.
Teach Boys to be Kind, Girls to be Confident
I believe there are two things we need to teach our children that will benefit them far more than just teaching them to be more competitive. The first is to be kind; the second is to be confident. All kids should be taught both, but one, I believe, is the primary lesson we should teach to little boys; the other the primary lesson we should teach little girls.
Before anyone gets angry about that seeming sexist division, I think it’s obvious to all of us with both sons and daughters that they do come out of the womb a little different. And, once out here, they are certainly exposed to different messages, pushing them in different ways.
These two lessons are meant to counteract the nature and nurture happening already.
Boys should be taught to be kind above all else. They’ll learn to be competitive, that they should be strong, and that they need to work hard to be successful in life (or network hard). They get taught this from everything else thrust upon them in their young lives, from every direction. They’ll race their friends, have snowball fights, and arm wrestle. They’ll be given fake guns to shoot and footballs to chuck, and they’ll be told not to cry.
The world around will mold them into all those things that we use to define a “man,” and conspire to judge them accordingly.
But, if not taught, they may never learn to be kind to others. Anyone who’s seen a two year old squeeze his sister’s arm or heard how teenage boys talk to each other or been to college knows kindness is something that has to be drilled into boys for it to stick.
As for our girls, parents most need to teach them to be confident. They’ll need that confidence to survive this world, which has the propensity to tear them down, piece by piece.
Consider the type of competition often forced upon young women, all of it focused on their bodies, on acceptance by peers, or on winning the affection of men, and all of it potentially destructive. If not taught to be confident in who they are, this competitive world can be an extremely dangerous place for a young woman.
Parents must teach them that it is okay to be strong, to be independent, to be smart, no matter what others would have them believe. And that, above all else, they should believe in themselves.
Certainly, all kids—boys and girls—need to be taught to be both kind and confident. But, there’s no doubt how emphasizing these specific lessons for boys and girls will help them become better men and women.
When you think how much better these lessons prepare our kids to be happy and productive adults than the lesson of competitiveness, suddenly equalized playing time and participation medals start to make sense. We’re not teaching them to be good losers, we’re teaching them to be good humans.
With these skills, they’ll be able to survive this competitive world without being completely consumed by winning or utterly defeated by losing. They’ll also know that the world isn’t divided into winners who work harder and losers who are just lazy. Rather, time and chance and opportunity plays a part in all our lives.
If they learn these things, maybe they’ll chose to measure their own success differently than how so much of society tells them it should be measured. And maybe they’ll put value in things other than just winning the game, or owning the biggest house, or having the highest paying job, or earning the most medals—participation or otherwise.
Those who do, I believe, are more likely to find happiness. And isn’t that the ultimate competition?
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Original version of this post appeared on ruddybits.blogspot.com
Photo—USAG-Humphreys/Flickr
Photo—John Morgan/Flickr
Alan, Thank you for kicking off this discussion and for responding here. As I’ve said before, I think this is an important debate, and one worth having. And, I think GMP is the perfect place to have it. Despite how some people have read my column, I am not entirely anti-competition, and certainly not anti-sport. I’ve played sports my whole life, coach youth sports, and insist that my kids play so they learn the values that come from practicing, playing, winning and losing. As I contend, the lessons of competition are everywhere. I am one of 8 kids, we competed… Read more »
Excellent article, Mr. Ruddy. Right on the money! Having read the piece you refer to, you win — hands down. For this round of the debate at least, you knocked Mr. Bishop’s argument out cold! (Can I say “open a can of whup-ass” on a Good Men website?) Yet you did so graciously, with thoughtfulness and respect. I suppose we have your wife to thank for that, or perhaps the insistence of your daughters. Kidding aside, your insight here is very important, and you articulate it exceptionally well!
Umm.. Sorry Chris. Where’s your opinion. Both Cort and I had one. My point was to merely draw attention to the continual demise of the benefits of competition. Dust everything off, don’t be politically correct and you’ll find that people (men, women and children) who are competitive and fight tooth and nail for the things they want are the ones who generally get those things. Funny thing is that those people also tend to: Work hard Speak their minds Refuse to accept failure (they go at it again and again and again) Earn their own way rather than expect things… Read more »
Competition and competitiveness are the # 1 trait associated with masculinity and males in general in every sphere of nature including humans without a doubt , no link is necessary since finding the scientific basis for that claim is easily found for any one who seeks the truth or wants it, trying to conform reality to politically correct point of view or worse yet an anti-male ideology is a poor attempt of teaching boys and males in general the benefits of sharing and being a team player in life.
This piece is a thinly veiled apology for men being competetive. I’m not buying it either.
Thanks Cort for your perspective. It presents a balanced and saner view to that of the person who stirred your response. As you say we cannot avoid competition. It will happen anyway. What we can do is filter it so that our kids glean the lessons and grow from them rather than be labelled and set on the bench of life. I can attest to the importance of instilling confidence in my daughter every day. It’s about building a strong foundation. For my won, he was born with a gentle heart and is always being thoughtful and kind. However, as… Read more »