Doug Zeigler is an atheist, but his ex is a Christian. How can they figure out the best way to co-parent the kids they share?
I’m an atheist. I’m not militant about it, and I don’t campaign against what other people believe. My wife is not a Christian either, but believes in spirituality and opens her mind to a variety of beliefs and uses what feels right to her. To us, belief and faith are a personal choice. Who are we to tell you that what you follow and guides you is wrong? As long as what works for you don’t cause harm to others, then we are of the opinion that you should follow that set of ideals.
I try to apply the same approach to our kids. My wife and I tell them that they can explore and ask questions about everything, including faith. We encourage them to think objectively and inquisitively, and if they are struggling with something to ask us. With religion being such a big part of so many people’s lives, we want them to be free to check out any and all beliefs that intrigue them.
The same can’t be said for our exes. One is a fundamental Christian and the other is Catholic. Our sons even attend a parochial school. This has caused some challenging moments. There has been custody time cut short due to church-related functions, and even decisions made without consulting us on educational matters for the kids simply because the person of faith felt that they had the right to do so because of their beliefs. Instead of rational discussion and compromise, too often things are done and said based solely on religious preference.
Here’s the thing: we’re not enemies with our exes. Despite our differences in that arena, we really want the same things for our kids. We want them to happy, healthy, smart, energetic, respectful, hard working and have good manners. Naturally, there are other things we want for them like success and to find love, but at the core, isn’t that what we want for all our children? It’s up to us as their mothers and fathers to help them grow into the adults we hope they’ll become.
Problems arise when religious ideals create the appearance of us as enemies only because we don’t believe the same as they do. It creates an air of hostility which really doesn’t help anyone, least of all our children. We do try very hard to be understanding and accommodating, but it can be difficult to keep an even keel when one side believes it has a divine right to supersede our methods for raising kids. Certainly there will be disagreements on details of parenting; time with kids; money. But we should be able to calmly and rationally work together. We need to realize that we are advocates for our children’s futures, not diametrically opposed combatants vying to destroy the other side and working to mentally poison our kids against each other. We want to accentuate our commonality.
The optimist in me believes we can work together. The pessimist in me worries that we can’t. No matter what your belief, we universally want the same for them with very little variance. So why not work together to help secure that outcome for them?
Have you dealt with co-parenting through religious differences?
What other major issues do you find hard to reconcile when co-parenting with an ex?
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This post has been republished on Medium.
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Jimmy, Kudos for finding something that gives you piece of mind and peace in general. That isn’t easy for many folks. And in my opinion, wanting to share something that is important in your life that is a force for good for you with your children should be fine. For me, as long as no line is crossed where there is a belief that my wife and I are bad people simply because we don’t believe in a christian god, then I’m fine with it. Hopefully you are allowing your kids to ask questions, even the tough ones like existentialism.… Read more »
I am in the opposite boat. I was never really religious. Until my marriage fell apart before my eyes and I didn’t feel like I had the strength to survive all on my own. So, I did some internet searches and found a Christian church near me that appeared to fit my worldview well. I went to a few services and it really helped me through the darkest times. Well, my ex was really, really against the idea of me taking the kids with me to church on my times with them. The “divorce counselor” we were working with was… Read more »
Unfortunately, I don’t think this part of parenting will get any easier. I think of it this way, for thousands of years people have died, killed, sent their children to die and kill all in the name of religion. Even today, religous fanatics destory life in the name of their diety. Now granted, these are the worst case scenerios of the point I am trying to make. But think how powerful the beliefs of those people were. They were willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for what they belived in. They would send their children to die because of a trust (or… Read more »
I try to do exactly that, Marc. Let the kids decide for themselves what is right and true in their minds and hearts. We’ve also taken the tack of letting them know that their beliefs do not have to be etched in stone; you can always explore no matter what your age.
Seems to me that if one is truly an atheist it wouldn’t matter.
If there is no deity teaching someone that there is, is as useless as telling them gravity is a theoretical construct and that they can fly.
I spend a lot of time in my garage and I’m no closer to being a car today than I was the day I was born.
If your children spend time toying with Christianity is it any more damaging than when they hope for the roth fairy or dress up as superheroes?
In my view, JA, religion can be far more damaging than believing in the tooth fairy or wanting to be a super hero. For one thing, believing in the tooth fairy or wanting be a super hero never caused that person to deny someone basic human rights simply because the other person didn’t believe in the tooth fairy or that particular super hero. But again, that is my view point, and I am trying my best to be respectful of our childrens other parents belief to encourage tolerance. Not an easy line to toe, however.
It’s not religion that is the problem. It’s a people problem. Some people use religion as a tool, like say the internet, to influence others to gain power, influence, and money for themselves. Religion isn’t any more to blame for people mindlessly following a self-proclaimed leader than radio is for people listening to a hot air filled talking head, or TV is for people that mindlessly accept the opinions of political pundits, or the internet is to blame if someone takes someone’s word as gospel and heads down the wrong path. Religion can be used for good. It can be… Read more »
@Doug There is however something to be said for giving children a routine…. I was raised by Fled Catholic Agnostics and it kind of sucked being the only kid not getting a First Communion or a BarMitzvah in the neighborhood. I was married to a Catholic- don’t see that my children especially suffered for the time spent in Catechism…… I went to a HS where attendance at Quaker Meeting was required- I never became brave enough to be a pacifist- but it didn’t hurt me to sit still for an hour a week. I spend a lot of time with… Read more »
@Jimmy I’m certainly not saying religion is a problem. But using your explanation, it certainly is a tool, and in some cases in our lives, it has been used as a tool to undermine what we believe in and how we parent. Were it just used to on it’s face value instead of a means to divide, then things would be more constructive and collaborative to all parties. I do believe that religion as a whole is a good force in the world, but I also believe far too many folks wield it like a sword as opposed to a… Read more »
I am also an atheist and I think that this would leave me in a very difficult situation. I admire your resolve to allow your kids to explore their own beliefs. This is a concept that I struggle with because I feel that religious beliefs are generally anachronistic and harmful to society as a whole. At the same time, I also believe that people should be free to explore the beliefs that they hold dear. The fundamental issue for me is one of respect, and I find that religions tend not to allow for the belief systems of others, which… Read more »
While our natural tendency is to want our kids to follow in our footsteps when it comes to basic ideology, I think by showing that there are different religious and non-religious views, at least we can give them the tools to educate themselves and make up their own minds. We want to empower our kids to make up their own minds.
I had this problem, but magnified by ten, when my ex converted to Judaism for her new partner. I just made it clear to our kids that they didn’t HAVE to be Jewish if they didn’t want to. I didn’t flatly oppose it, but I myself am not religious and I dislike the idea of indoctrinating kids at an early age to feel as though they’re obligated to be religious. It worked out fine. Two of my kids are indifferent, and my oldest considers himself a Catholic. I made it clear their entire lives that they don’t necessarily have to… Read more »
Glad it turned out so well for you, tstrike! I have a worry to about indoctrination, by we’ll do our best to let the kids know our door is always open for questions.